“You want to break up?”
She laughs humorlessly. “I guess if you can call this entire mess of us a relationship, then yeah, I want to break up.”
This isn’t how I expected things to go when I finally told a girl I loved her. Maybe this is my punishment for never settling down. The universe finally gives me the girl of my dreams, but apparently, I’m not the man of hers.
Tears track down her cheeks, I wipe them away with my thumbs on her cheeks. I can’t let her go, not yet. My throat is starting to close up, but I still manage to say, “I’m always the one who loves too much, who gives everything, and is left with nothing in return.”
“T-Teddy.” Her chin wobbles.
“It’s okay. I’ll be okay. I always am.” She opens her mouth to speak, and I know instinctively what she’s going to say. “Don’t say you’re sorry,” I beg. “I can’t hear you say you’re sorry. It’ll diminish the realness.” She chokes out a sob as I release her and take a few steps away. “I’ll get you in the car and find my own way home.”
“No, d-don’t be silly. W-We can share the c-car.”
I rub my hand over my lips, contemplating how to say this. “I can’t share a car with you right now.”
“Are you mad?”
“No.” I shake my head forlornly. “I’m not mad, but I am absolutely devastated.”
As promised, I escort Vanessa out to the waiting car before getting an Uber for myself. I have to wait thirty minutes, and in that time, I don’t manage to feel any better.
The ride back to campus is excruciating. The guy blasts some kind of techno dance music the entire way, while vaping something that smells like watermelon. Who the fuck wants to inhale artificial watermelon? Not me.
By the time he drops me off, I’m having a coughing fit and smell of his nasty watermelon shit.
Trudging up to my dorm, my legs feel like they weigh a hundred pounds each. It’s dark and quiet when I enter the suite, but I’m not about to let Jude sleep peacefully while my world is crumbling.
I knock on his door before swinging it open. There are a few condom wrappers on the floor and he’s sleeping blissfully on his stomach, bare ass hanging out, clutching his pillow like a life preserver. The dude’s even drooling. If I was in a better headspace I’d snap a pic to lord over him, but right now I don’t have it in me. At least there’s no chick still here so I don’t have to deal with that.
“Dude.” I grab a towel off the floor and throw it at him. “Get up.”
He jolts awake, arms flailing like he’s about to ninja fight someone. “What the fuck?” He sees me standing in the doorway, rubbing his eyes to make sure I’m real and not a figment of his imagination. “Teddy?”
“I need a drink and a friend.”
He picks up his phone from the floor where it’s plugged into an outlet charging. “At four in the morning? You couldn’t have waited a few more hours?”
“Vanessa broke up with me.”
“For real, for real?”
“For real.”
“Fuck.” He scrubs his hands down his face. “Fuck, man,” he repeats. “I’m sorry.” He rolls out of bed and yanks some boxer-briefs on. “You do need a drink and now, so do I.”
If there’s anyone well-versed in heartbreak, it’s Jude. His high school sweetheart, Macy, cheated on him last year with one of his teammates and now those two are dating. I don’t know all the shit that went down with them, but I do know they were serious. Jude talked about marrying her. Now he screws the entire campus.
We each grab a drink from the fridge. I pop the top on my Zombie Dust, and we end up sitting on the couch. It’s not the smallest couch in the world, but it is when two six-foot-plus guys sit on it together. Our knees touch, but neither of us bothers to move.
“You want to tell me what happened?”
“She broke up with me, there’s nothing much else to tell.”
“There’s always plenty to tell.”
“So, there’s more to you and Macy than you’ve told me?”
He takes a long swig of his beer. “Yep.” He wipes the back of his hand across his mouth.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Nope.”
“We’re two sad, pathetic fucks.” He takes another drink. I’ve barely touched mine other than to open it.
“I didn’t know it would feel like this.”
“What?”
I pick at the label on my bottle, staring ahead at the black screen of the TV that reflects our two forms. “Heartbreak.”
“It fucking sucks.” He drinks the rest of his beer.
Setting my full beer on the table, I lean back on the couch eyeing him. “You really think so? You don’t think eventually you’ll meet a girl who changes everything? I mean, I didn’t think I would but then Vanessa happened.” My heart cracks again at her name.
Why am I doing this to myself?
“I won’t let myself go there right now. I don’t want to feel that type of pain again. I mean, never say never, but … I’m not ready.”
The way he says it, I know he’s still hurting from the loss of Macy and that terrifies me. Is this going to be me with Vanessa? Am I going to always hold onto a level of hurt when it comes to her and relationships? Will I compare every woman I meet from here on out to her?
“The first time I had sex with another girl I cried.”
“What?” My head swivels to the left to face him so fast I’m surprised something doesn’t snap.
He nods like it surprises him too. “Macy and I started dating when we were freshman in high school. Knew each other before that too. She was my first everything and I wanted her to be the last too. Thought she would be.” He pushes his hair back. “So, when I had sex the first time after we broke up, I cried. I never thought I’d have sex with another person and then I was and I didn’t even want to. You would think after that, I’d … I don’t know, have taken some time to myself? But it’s like I wanted to fuck the memories out of me, to make sex about something other than her. I wanted to make it about the act itself, I guess, like the other person doesn’t matter. Fuck.” He tosses his empty bottle at the trash can and it goes right in. “I sound like such a dick, but it’s true.”
“Self-preservation makes monsters out of the best of us. Look at me.”
“You’ve never been a bad guy, or a monster. You’ve taken things too far on occasion, mostly to get laughs out of people, and fucked around, but you’ve never been mean, or a bully. You care, dude. Not to get cheesy on you, but you’re the best friend I could ask for.” He slaps a hand down on my shoulder. “Nobody’s perfect, though, and no point acting like it.”
“I don’t want to lose her.”
“Clearly, she’s going through something. Stay away, but remind her you’re always there. Even as a friend.”
“You didn’t do that with Macy,” I accuse.
“Because I didn’t want her back. When she cheated on me instead of communicating with me, she broke my trust in a way that can never be repaired between us. I’ve seen the way Vanessa looks at you, and you her. Honestly, I’m shocked she’s ending things. Doesn’t seem right. But maybe she’s scared.”