Scowling, I undid the straps, kicked off my sandals and defiantly left them in the middle of the hallway, before hauling myself up to the bedroom. I flicked the light on, but the brightness hurt my eyes so I flicked it back off, shuffled round to my side of the bed in the darkness and switched on my bedside lamp instead. That was better. More romantic too.
I gently placed my bag and pashmina on my dressing table chair and wobbled slightly as I removed my necklace and earrings. Oopsie. Had a bit much to drink. Had to celebrate, though.
‘I’m going to be an auntie,’ I whispered to my reflection in the dressing table mirror. ‘Pretty good, eh? I’d rather be a mum, though. Suppose I’ll have to settle for auntie for now. Unless…’
I heard Gary’s heavy footsteps on the stairs, then he appeared in the bedroom doorway holding a pint of water and my sandals, which he deliberately placed on the floor by the dressing table with a sigh. ‘Drink this.’ He handed the glass to me. Then he smiled and his dark eyes twinkled as he added, ‘Doctor’s orders.’
‘Yes, Dr Dawson.’ I smiled back. That was my Gorgeous Gary, the man I loved, the one who wasn’t all spiky and grumpy. It was such a shame that he rarely made an appearance these days. His evil twin, Grumpy Gary, seemed to have taken up residence instead. He wasn’t much fun to be around, but I knew it was short-term. He’d be gone when the surgery expansion was complete and then, with both of our careers where we wanted them, it would finally be time to start that family we’d talked about for years.
I took a sip of my water then put the glass down on the dressing table, taking care to slip a coaster under it first – no point upsetting Mr Neat-Freak unnecessarily.
He wandered over to his side of the bed and put his lamp on.
‘Gary, can you help me unzip my dress?’
‘Can’t you do it?’
‘I can’t reach properly.’
‘Then how did you put it on?’
‘Please.’
He sighed but made his way over to me. I imagined him slowly lowering the zipper, his breath hot on my neck. He’d gently kiss just below my ear as he slowly lowered my dress to the floor. He’d kiss my neck as he undid my bra clasp, then he’d…
‘Done.’
That was it. One swift tug and the zip was down. He moved away a few paces and unfastened his tie, neatly rolled it up, then wandered into the walk-in wardrobe where I knew he’d carefully put it in its rightful place in the drawer with his other ties, all in their own little cubby holes, arranged in colour order.
‘You should really drink that water, Li,’ he called. ‘You’ll be sorry if you don’t.’
‘Okay.’ I obediently took another sip.
He returned to the bedroom and began undoing the buttons on his shirt. Watching him intently, I lowered my dress and willed him to look at me. To notice me. To see I was wearing new underwear. Sexy, lacy, teal underwear. Rip-them-off-me-and-take-me-right-now underwear.
But he didn’t raise his eyes. He took off his shirt, tossed it into the laundry basket in the corner and disappeared into the en-suite.
I slowly bent down and retrieved my dress, placed it on a hanger and made a mental note to check for curry stains and cleaning instructions in the morning. Then I waited. And waited.
It felt like hours before Gary finally emerged from the en-suite dressed only in his boxer shorts. ‘I thought you’d be asleep,’ he said in a voice that sounded like he’d hoped that’s how he’d find me. Surely not. Surely I’d imagined that.
‘I’m not ready for sleep yet.’ I tried for sultry but think I managed slurred. Moving towards him, I wrapped my arms around him and felt his whole body tense. Ignore it. He’ll relax in a moment. ‘You know how you said we needed to wait until the surgery expansion was finished before we could think about starting a family? Well, it’s nearly done now and Jess’s news is making me extra broody. How about we stop talking and actually start doing?’
‘No! Elise!’ I flinched at the use of my full name as he backed away. My arms slid off him and slapped back down by my sides. ‘I told you I’m tired.’
‘You’re always tired these days, Gary.’
‘And you’re always on about having a baby. I told you, I’m not ready. The timing’s not right. Can’t you just accept that?’
I stared at him for a moment, debating as to whether to fight it, but the angry glint in his eyes told me to leave it. ‘Okay. Sorry.’
Gary nodded. ‘Night night.’ He moved towards his side of the bed.
‘Night night.’ I bit my lip. No! This isn’t on. He always had an excuse and I always accepted it, but not this time. I put my hands on my hips, the alcohol making me feel bold. ‘Actually, Gary, I can’t.’
He moved back towards me. ‘You can’t what?’
‘I can’t just accept that. When will it be right? You never seem to want to talk about it. I want a baby. I want to be a mum like our Jess. You know that. She’s six years younger than me and she’s already pregnant. And I’ve been married for nearly twelve years. It’s not fair!’
Gary folded his arms and shook his head. ‘Do you know how childish that sounds?’
‘I don’t care. We’re both thirty now and we said we didn’t want to be old parents. At this rate, we’re going to be in our forties before we have number three and four. Or maybe even before we have number one if we continue with the excuses. It’s time we started trying. I’m ready for a baby now. Aren’t you?’
‘No!’
I folded my arms too and glared at him. ‘Why not? Talk to me, Gary. What’s going on? Why are you shutting me out? Why won’t you commit to having a baby? What’s changed?’
‘Everything, Li. That’s how life is. Everything changes. I know we originally said we’d start a family in our mid-twenties, but we weren’t ready then and I’m still not ready for a baby now.’
‘That’s not good enough. We’ve talked about children for years. There’s always been an excuse. University, my promotion, the surgery expansion. What’s next? Anyone would think you don’t want a baby.’
‘I don’t want a baby,’ he yelled.
I stepped back as if I’d been slapped. My heart raced and my head swam. ‘What?’ I certainly formed the word in my mouth but I’m not sure whether I actually managed to say it. I stared, open-mouthed, at Gary.
A vein throbbed in the side of his head and he looked quite shocked at his own reaction. ‘Yet,’ he mumbled. ‘I meant to say yet.’
‘Are you sure?’ The words were barely audible.
‘I’m sure.’
My heart raced. ‘I mean it, Gary. Are you absolutely sure? Because if you really don’t want children, then we have a serious, serious problem.’
‘I’m sorry, Li. I didn’t mean to… I’m just not ready to be a dad yet. Sorry I shouted. I’m just tired. It’s been a long few months. I’m… I’m just…’
‘It’s okay.’ I reached for him and held him. He felt rigid in my arms for a moment, then he relaxed and his arms tightened round me. Thank goodness for that. ‘I’m sorry I pushed.’ I stroked his hair and breathed in the scent of toothpaste, hair gel and CK One: the smell of Gary. The smell I loved. I kissed his neck very gently, then started to trace little kisses round towards his throat.