‘Li…’ he whispered. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Sshhh. Just relax and enjoy.’ I kissed back towards his ear then nibbled on it slightly – something he’d always loved.
‘Li… I…’ He tensed again.
I ran my left hand down his back, my nails scratching him slightly. He gasped. ‘We don’t have to try for a baby tonight,’ I whispered. ‘I just want you.’
My fingers reached the elastic of his boxers and I slipped my hand inside then edged it slowly round to the front.
‘No! Stop!’ Gary stepped back so quickly that he collided with the wall. ‘I can’t do this, Li.’
Was that fear in his eyes? My heart pounded so fast that I felt sick. ‘Can’t do what? What’s going on?’
‘I mean tonight. I can’t… I’ve already told you I’m tired. I’m sorry. Do you mind?’
I studied his face. He looked terrified and I was too afraid to explore why. ‘It’s fine,’ I lied. ‘I understand. Bit tired myself. Drank too much as you know. Think I’ll just brush my teeth and go to bed. And drink that pint of water, of course. Wouldn’t want to go against my doctor’s advice.’ I tried to laugh at my joke, but it sounded more like a hiccup. I picked up the drink and tried to swallow some, but the razors in my throat prevented it from slipping down easily. ‘Yummy,’ I said. ‘Night night.’
‘Night night,’ Gary said. He climbed into his side of the bed and turned to face the wall.
As I backed into the en-suite, my stomach churned at the familiar sight of the man I loved rejecting me yet again. I brushed my teeth while tears poured down my cheeks like rain and my heart ached at the overwhelming feeling that something between us had just irrevocably changed.
2
‘Please say you’re joking.’ I stopped brushing my damp hair and twisted round on the dressing table stool so I could face Gary the following evening. ‘I thought you were showering to get ready for the party.’
He whipped his towel from around his waist and started drying himself. ‘No. I was showering because I smell of the surgery. Then I’m meeting Rob for a personal training session. I told you that when you mentioned the party.’
‘I thought you were going to cancel it, though.’
‘You assumed I was going to cancel it. I didn’t say I would. I’ve been saying for ages that I wanted to get back into shape after packing in hockey. This is my chance. Why should I cancel?’ Gary finished drying himself then wandered into the walk-in wardrobe.
‘Because it’s Kay’s sixtieth,’ I called.
I heard the opening and closing of a few drawers then Gary re-appeared with what looked like his sports kit in his hands. ‘So what? She’s your best friend’s auntie, not yours. I barely know her.’
‘That’s a bit harsh. You know she’s always been more of a mother to me than my own has.’
‘I know that and I know you think the world of her, but the fact remains that this was last minute and I already had plans.’
‘But—’
‘Li, I suggest you drop this now unless you want another ugly scene like last night.’
My stomach lurched as my mind took me back to the previous evening. He was right; it had been very ugly. He’d already left for the surgery when I awoke and had been gone all day, jumping straight into the shower on his return. I’d spent the day washing and cleaning and going over everything we’d said or done, trying – but failing – to find some answers. I couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d spoken the truth when he said he didn’t want a baby and I was too scared to raise the subject again in case I was right. I’d felt sick all day thinking about it. Granted, I’d also had a bit of a hangover, but the uneasy feeling in my stomach was definitely Gary-induced rather than alcohol-induced.
Gary pulled a navy T-shirt over his head. ‘This is my first session with Rob. I booked it two weeks ago and I’m not cancelling it for a party that was organised two days ago. End of story.’
I bit my lip and blinked back the tears that seemed to be ever-present these days.
‘I’m sorry, Li,’ he said in a gentler voice. ‘If it was the other way round, I wouldn’t expect you to change your plans for me, would I?’
I shook my head. ‘I’m just a little…’ I searched for the right word, one that hopefully wouldn’t start another ‘ugly scene’, ‘… surprised that you booked a session on a Saturday night when you knew you’d be at work all day. I thought we’d spend the evening together.’
‘I didn’t realise there was a rule about it. We spent last night together. With your sister. Wasn’t that enough?’ He pulled his shorts on. ‘Sarah will be there. You two always have loads to gossip about. You don’t need me.’
Trying my hardest to keep my voice steady and not to sound needy or whiney, I said, ‘It’s just that I barely get to see you these days. You’re always at the surgery or I’ve got something on at school.’
Gary sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on a pair of sports socks. ‘We always knew it would be tough with your departmental headship and the surgery expansion, but we both wanted good careers and to be financially stable, didn’t we? We knew this would happen. We knew it meant sacrifices and one of those is time spent together. This just proves how wrong the timing would be to have a baby, though, doesn’t it?’
I couldn’t agree with him, but I certainly couldn’t challenge him on it without another ‘ugly scene’. Turning round, I picked up the hairdryer and kept my head down as I switched it on so Gary wouldn’t be able to see my tears. What was going on with us? Our days used to be packed with laughter but now it was all tension and, more recently, tears. The sooner the surgery expansion was finished, the better.
In my peripheral vision, I saw him pick up his trainers then leave the bedroom. A few minutes later, the front door slammed, followed a moment later by his car starting. I muttered, ‘Bye, Elise, hope you have a great evening. I love you.’
The function room above Minty’s – my favourite bar at the top of town – was packed. There was no sign of my best friend since primary school, Sarah, or her boyfriend, Nick. Thankfully, there was no sign of Clare either: Sarah’s close friend from university, and my nemesis.
Sarah’s parents, Sandra and Chris, waved at me from the far side of the room, but were engrossed in a conversation with Kay’s best friend and travel companion, Linda. Kay and Linda had just returned from six months travelling around the world. Kay spotted me and also waved, but was chatting to a man I didn’t recognise. Normally at ease in a group of strangers – a typical scenario for a teacher – I suddenly felt very lost and alone without Gary by my side.
The beads on my clutch bag dug into my palm, but I couldn’t seem to release my grip. Each burst of laughter made me jump, my head thumped, and I still felt sick. Either this was the worst hangover ever or I was coming down with something. Placing the gift bag containing Kay’s birthday present by my feet, I hesitated as to what to do next. Go to the bar, hide in a darkened corner or make a speedy exit? Snuggling up under the duvet in an empty house seemed very appealing compared to mingling with strangers and pretending I hadn’t just experienced twenty-four hours of hell courtesy of my increasingly distant husband.