Mother took a swig from her hip flask and shrugged. ‘So?’
Dad shook his head slowly. ‘What happened to you, Marian? How did you become so bitter and twisted? I look at you like this and I don’t see any of the person I loved in you. Not even a tiny glimmer.’
She laughed bitterly. ‘What happened to me? Do you really need to ask? Kids, Trevor. Bloody kids. Two squawking, demanding, blood-sucking leeches who ruined my life. That’s what happened to me.’
I felt sick. Leaning against the wall, I gasped for breath. I didn’t want to hear any more, yet my feet felt like they were encased in a block of cement, rooting me to the spot.
‘How can you say that about our daughters?’
‘Easily. I should never have had them.’
‘You wanted kids. I didn’t force you into it.’
I peeked round the corner again as she took a long drag on her roll-up. ‘It was the done thing, to have kids, but I didn’t know what I was letting myself in for. If I’d had any idea what it was going to be like, I’d have marched you straight down the clinic for the snip. I hated being a mum. Hated it. From the moment Elise was born, I knew we’d made a mistake.’
‘Then why have a second one?’ Dad paced up and down in front of the bench, shaking his head. ‘Why have Jess?’
‘There was never meant to be a Jess. I was on the pill, for God’s sake. There was no way I wanted to spawn another brat. The only way I could cope with Elise was with vodka. Or gin. Both worked for me. Seems I was a bit too pissed to remember to take my pill regularly. Next thing I know, I’m up the duff and that one was worse than the first. Like I had the time and energy to cope with a sickly baby. Now she’s having her own brats and she expects me to be happy about being a grandma. Twins? Yuck.’
I watched in horror as Dad sank to his knees. ‘You never told me,’ he said.
‘Told you what?’
‘That you hated being a mum.’
‘You wouldn’t have listened if I had. You were smitten with them. You didn’t need me anymore. You had your perfect little family.’
‘I did need you. You were my family too.’
‘Yeah, well, I didn’t need any of you.’ She waggled her hip flask in front of his face. ‘This is my family. This is all I need.’ She pulled herself to her feet. ‘Now bugger off and leave me in peace.’ She staggered across the gardens and through an arch in a hedge, disappearing from view.
My heart raced as I debated what to do next. Should I rush forward and comfort him? If I did, he’d know that I’d overheard the ugly truth that my mother hated her own children. Would that hurt him more than the pain of coming to terms with the revelation on his own? I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Yes, it would. I needed to leave him to his grief. I slowly edged my way along the side of the building and up the steps, gripping onto the handrail for support.
I needed to be alone while I gathered my thoughts. Spying a high-backed leather armchair tucked away in a dark corner of the reception area, I gratefully sank into it as my mind whirred with memories of growing up with a bitter alcoholic for a mother. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I unbuckled my sandals and curled my bare feet under me.
Daniel would be waiting for me in the bar but I couldn’t face him. I wasn’t strong enough to explain it to him, but I needed to tell someone. Sarah. I couldn’t look for her in case Daniel spotted me so I rang her but it went straight to voicemail. I tried Nick’s phone, but his did the same. Who else could I speak to? Gary. He’d been by my side through every battle with my mother and would understand exactly how I was feeling. Even better, he’d know exactly what to say to take the pain away. He always had.
‘Elise? Are you okay?’ Gary asked.
‘No,’ I sobbed. ‘I need you Gary. It’s my mother. She’s… she said… it was…’ I couldn’t say it aloud.
‘Where are you?’
‘At the wedding.’
‘The Forester’s Arms?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll be there in ten minutes.’
Sinking back in the chair, I clenched and un-clenched my fists as images swam round in my mind of Mother screaming at me, screaming at Jess, screaming at Dad, hurling insults, hurling vases, throwing my treasured wooden jewellery box down the stairs, throwing Dad’s belongings out into the street, burning mine and Jess’s books and toys. I remembered some of the names she’d call us over the years and how distraught Dad had been as he’d tried to cover our ears and whisper reassurances that she didn’t mean it and that he loved us as big as the universe and beyond.
From my hidden corner, I watched Dad shuffle back into the hotel like a broken man. He picked up his room key from reception then clung onto the bannister and hauled himself up each wooden stair as if he had no strength left in his body. I wanted to run after him and comfort him, but it would break his heart into a thousand pieces to know that I’d overheard their altercation. I couldn’t do it to him.
I thought about Daniel waiting in the bar, no doubt wondering where the hell I was. He wouldn’t be alone, though. He knew Sarah and had bonded with the rest of the table during the meal. As a rep, he was also used to chatting to complete strangers. And he hadn’t come looking for me because I’d have seen him so I didn’t need to worry about him being all alone.
Waiting on the steps a few minutes later, it felt like my knight in shining armour had arrived when I saw Gary’s Lexus turning into the drive. I ran towards the car, desperate for his comfort. As soon as he’d pulled into a space, he leapt out and wrapped his arms round me. My body racked with sobs as he held me close, stroked my back, and whispered soothing words into my hair. When the tears were spent and I felt ready to talk, we sat in the car and I opened up about what I’d seen and heard.
‘I’m so sorry for ruining your evening, but I couldn’t find Sarah and you were the only one who’d understand.’
Gary squeezed my hand. ‘Forget about my evening. You did the right thing to call me. I know we’re not together anymore and I know I’ve hurt you really badly, but I’ll always be here for you any time you need me. You know that, don’t you?’
I nodded, silent tears raining down my cheeks. He’d told me a lot of lies, but at that moment, I knew he was telling the truth and I felt comforted and safe.
21
‘Where’ve you been?’ Jess planted her hands on her hips and tried to frown, but the grin on her face and the sparkle in her eyes stopped her from pulling it off. ‘You missed the first dance.’
‘Did I? I’m sorry, Jess. Something came up.’
‘Are you all right? You look like you’ve been crying.’
After saying goodbye to Gary, I’d nipped up to the bedroom and quickly re-applied my smudged make-up, but no amount of mascara or eyeliner could mask my red eyes. I smiled. ‘It’s an emotional day seeing my baby sister get married. I’ll admit to having a little weep.’
Jess hugged me. ‘Aw, you’re such a softie.’
Glancing round the bar, there was no sign of Daniel. It was past eight, which meant I’d abandoned him at a wedding full of strangers for about an hour and a half. That was pretty unforgivable. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d thrown a strop and caught a taxi home, but his bag was still in our room so he had to be here somewhere.