She could see it.
Feel it.
She could feel me.
I never wanted to shake her and hold her as much as I did in that moment. Showing my weaknesses wasn’t something I ever did, but it had always been different with Autumn, and she knew it too. I couldn’t think about the future without contemplating the past, and for the first time it had me questioning how we would make it through this.
I stared up at her through the slits of my eyes, longing to feel some sort of connection through what I was about to say to her. “I fucked up! How many more times do I have to say it to you?”
“But that’s always been the problem between us, Julian. You fuck up, and I forgive you. It’s an endless cycle I want to put an end to. I don’t know what you expect from me because the woman you see standing in front of you—you made her this way.”
I jerked back. With each blow she delivered, I felt a little more of myself die inside. I didn’t know which one was worse—her lies or her truths.
“You’re so full of shit,” I confidently countered. The thread I was hanging on to snapped. “You’ve loved me your entire life. I’m embedded in your skin. I’m flowing in your blood. I’m beating in your heart.” Before she knew it, I was standing directly in front of her, pulling her hair away from her face and grazing my knuckles against her rosy cheek. “I’m a part of you, sweetheart, and you’re not going anywhere.” I moved away, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted her to miss my touch before my resolve exploded.
With the way I was feeling right now, I was damn ready to throw her over my shoulder, kicking, screaming, putting up one hell of a fight, and lock her the fuck away until I proved my point and made her mine again.
“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”
She turned around to leave, but I gripped onto her arm. “Don’t you walk away from me.” Stepping right into her personal space, I backed her against the nearest wall. My six-foot-two muscular build loomed over her petite frame as I tugged her hard against my chest.
She didn’t cower—if anything she stood taller. I cocked my head to the side, sweeping her hair away from her eyes to stare deep into them as I locked her in place in front of me. Her chest rose and fell with each brush of my hand.
I held her tighter.
To look at me.
See me.
Feel me…
I switched my grip to the back of her neck in a possessive act, running my thumb up and down her windpipe. Her breathing hitched, and her lips parted when my other hand lightly grazed her inner thigh.
“Julian, stop,” she weakly let out as my fingers inched higher and higher up her leg.
“Stop what? I would’ve been there for you, taken care of both of you, like I still fucking ache to do. Please,” I begged. “Just give me a chance to make it right. I can’t live without you.”
Before I even realized what was happening, she was crying against my chest, and I wept with her.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry for everything I put you through. I put us through. I ruined us when all you did was try to save us. Losing you will be the biggest regret of my life. I love you so much, and I need you to please never forget that,” I pleaded in a tone I’d never heard out of my own mouth.
“I love you too, Julian.”
She stayed there in my arms, both of us knowing this was our end.
This was goodbye.
I kissed her, she kissed me back, and for a moment we lost ourselves in each other. She pulled away first, and I wiped away all my tears, kissing along her face for the last time. She sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking as my arms fell to my sides.
Empty.
Alone.
Broken.
She took one last look at me and left.
For the first time in our love story, I watched her walk away from me instead.
Chapter THIRTY-SIX
—Autumn—
We’d been home for two weeks.
Home.
It didn’t feel like that anymore.
Capri and I were miserable.
Why was I doing this to us again?
She was mad at me, devastated I’d actually made us leave. My mind kept thinking about that morning, and it killed me every single time.
“Momma!” she pleaded with tears streaming down her precious face. Please don’t make us a leave! Please, Momma! I want us to stay with Daddy!”
“Capri, please don’t do this to me right now.”
“I love you, Daddy!” She ran into his arms. “Please don’t forget about me!”
He picked her up off the ground, and she clung to him like she’d never wanted to let him go for anything.
“You have to be my big, brave girl, okay?”
“But I don’t wanna go!”
“I know, baby.” He kissed the top of her head, looking at me with so much hurt it crippled my stance.
He held her in his arms until she cried herself to sleep before he gently laid her down in the SUV. Kissing her head one last time, he quietly shut the door.
Shaking his head, he bit, “I hope you’re happy with yourself. You didn’t just break my heart. You broke our daughter’s too.”
Her words played in my mind as if they were a broken record on endless repeat. My head was pounding, overly thinking about what I’d done to us when my phone suddenly rang.
“Christian,” I answered it. “I can’t talk right now.”
“Good, because I’m the one who needs to do all the talking now.”
“What are you—”
“Are you happy?” he questioned out of nowhere.
It was all it took for me to breakdown. “No…”
“Don’t cry in front of Capri, Autumn.”
“I’m not. She’s out with Emily. What did I do, Christian? What did I do to my family?”
“Autumn, stop crying.”
“I can’t. I feel like I’ve been crying since I left him. When all I want to do is go back, but I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?”
“I don’t know. I just can’t.”
He deeply sighed, breathing out, “It’s because of me, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Yes, you do.”
“This has nothing to do with you.”
“Bullshit, Autumn. This has always been about me. Mom and Dad would have accepted you guys—fuck, they probably would have been thrilled about it. The only thing holding him back was me, and we both know it.”
“Christian—”
“No, it’s my turn to talk, and you need to listen. I fucked up. My job was to protect you, and I protected you from the man you needed most. He’s always loved you. I saw it clear as day. The way he’d look at you when you were speaking, when he’d never give any girl his sole focus. The way he’d smile when you were around, when he was usually a broody bastard. How he’d think of you even when we were at the fucking grocery store, buying you your favorite candy or magazine. He was completely devoted to you.”
“What are you saying?”