Through my haze of what-ifs, I opened the wrong drawer and came face to face with The New York Times article. Like a fucking beacon shining bright, it was staring right at me. From then on, I moved in autopilot. Opening the magazine, I found his interview and read it from his first words to his last. He opened up about everything. There wasn’t one thing he didn’t tell the public, especially his feelings and love for me.
Our history.
His remorse.
It was all there in black ink on white paper.
“Autumn was born to be mine.”
“She was made for me.”
“I fought to not love her, realizing early on how much she completed me.”
“She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved.”
“She’s my soulmate.”
My head was spinning.
“I don’t know how I’ve lived over a decade without her.”
“She’s my beginning and end.”
“The first time we made love I knew I was done for.”
“I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to her how much she consumes me.”
“I want to marry her. Make her my wife and the mother of my children.”
Faster and faster it spun with no end in sight.
“She’s my everything—she’s always been my everything.”
“I didn’t know what love was until I let myself truly have her.”
“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her by my side.”
I slammed the magazine shut. The emotions were one right after the other as I stood there frozen, unable to move, to think, to do anything other than feel like the floor was caving in on me.
I wanted to run to him.
To tell him I loved him.
To forgive him.
But I couldn’t get my feet to move or my guard to come down. Something was holding me back, and I couldn’t ignore that. Instead, after we eaten dinner and Capri went to bed, I found him in his office. Lost in his own thoughts, staring blankly out the window.
“I read the article,” I shared with him.
He turned around and locked eyes with me.
Without reservation, I coaxed, “I forgive you, Julian.”
His bright blue eyes flashed with a blaze of happiness as he stepped toward me, but I lifted my hand, halting his descent. Peering around the room for a few seconds, I battled a visible internal struggle in my mind.
It didn’t take long for him to address the obvious. “You’re here to say goodbye, aren’t you?”
Chapter THIRTY-FIVE
—Autumn—
“Julian.” I paused, wavering for a moment. “I can’t do this with you again. It almost killed me the last time. I’m here to say my piece because we leave tomorrow.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Do you honestly think I’m going to just let you leave?”
Taking a deep, solid breath, I willed myself to tell him the truth.
The one I’d been holding in for so damn long.
Opening my mouth, I confessed, “I wanted to get pregnant with your baby, Julian. It wasn’t an accident. I purposely stopped taking my birth control.”
His face paled, and it felt so fucking good to finally admit that out loud.
“You lied to me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I knew you. I knew how you were, and it was only a matter of time before you pushed me away again. It was the only way I could ensure you wouldn’t anymore. You always wanted a family, so I gave you one.”
He immediately closed his eyes, the hurt evident all around him. It burned deep into my core. I hated knowing I was hurting him, but I needed to tell him the truth. He had to know.
As much as it killed me inside.
“How the fuck could you do this to me, Autumn?”
“I didn’t do it to you, I did it for you.”
“You did it for me? Are you fucking kidding me? What exactly did you do for me, kid? Get knocked up on purpose and then not tell me about it? What the hell kind of plan was that?”
“I didn’t know you were going to tell me you were leaving. I had no clue you were going to take it that far.”
“That’s your fucking excuse? How could you do this to me?”
“I thought we were going to be a family.”
“We still could have been! All you had to do was open your mouth and tell me you were pregnant!”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? For fuck’s sake! I can’t even look at you right now!”
“I swear the last thing I want is for us to leave and for you to hate me.” Fresh tears streamed down my face, the ones I had been trying to keep at bay. “We’ve both hurt one another so much, Julian! How could we possibly come back from this? I don’t trust you with my heart, and you resent me for not telling you the truth! That’s our reality, not this made up happily ever after you’ve created in your head!”
In three strides he was in my face, backing me into the wall. “You fucking betrayed me, and still—I want you!”
I couldn’t fucking breathe.
I hated myself for destroying him.
“We have to let each other go. It’s what’s best for our family.”
“You leaving is not what’s best for our family, and you know it!”
“Stop screaming at me! I’m hurting too! You broke me! Can’t you see that?”
“So this last month was what, Autumn? Fucking payback?”
“Of course not.”
“Bullshit!”
“You left me! After you fucked me over!”
—Julian—
My resolve broke like a chain that had been stretched to the max. I heard it snap, loud and clear. With wide eyes, I ran my hands through my hair, wanting to tear it out. Trying to remain calm but becoming defeated with each passing second.
I couldn’t keep up with the torment—it clasped onto me like a vice as I stormed around my office, my feet stomping everywhere I stepped, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Throwing anything and everything I could find, I unleashed my fury on my office instead of her.
“Julian, stop!”
Hearing the desperation in Autumn’s voice halted the chaos coursing through my veins. Neither one of us said a word for I don’t know how long, facing each other, panting profusely. We didn’t need to, though. Our eyes spoke for themselves.
Our connection was present, and she wanted me to see it, giving me the hope I needed to go on. I growled out my frustration, releasing the craze, the wrath I no longer had any control over. It pounded into me as furiously as what she’d just admitted.
“I’m hanging on by a thread here. So unless you want to see a side of me you haven’t seen in years, I suggest you weigh your words before you come at me with more bullshit. We’re far from fucking over. Nothing will ever be done between us!”
“Just let me go!”
“I can’t! You belong to me! You always have, and you always will!”
My mind was spiraling with more thoughts and questions, trying to find some clarity. Some truth within the haze. I shut my eyes and bowed my head in between my hands. Needing a minute to process what the hell she’d just said.