There were a long few seconds of silence as the movie played in the background, but I couldn’t look away from him. When he finally started to speak again, it was like I was seeing another side of him. “He’d been deep in the closet and wasn’t ready to come out. I wasn’t upset, and in a way, it made it easier for me because I didn’t have to talk about my relationship or my sexuality. I wasn’t hiding who I was, but it let me focus on work and just ignore everything else.”
He let out a low chuckle, but it sounded dry and rough. “Everything else was the kinks and things I wanted to explore more, but I knew we didn’t see them the same way. At the time he was important to me, but even then I knew there were big holes in our relationship.”
He’d blown my mind with one sentence.
Kink?
Forest went on like he had no idea my brain was whirling. “He saw things in very black and white terms, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But for him, kink was interesting but not something that was a big part of a relationship.”
Forest sighed. “I didn’t see it that way, but it let me keep putting those things in the back of my mind and not looking at them. When he got a job offer and moved, I finally started looking at myself and tried to decide what would really make me happy.”
Little things snapped into place. “You were sad for a while right before you took the new job. Was that because of him?”
Forest shrugged. “A bit, but mostly I was just a little lost. I needed to take the time to find myself and to look at the things I’d been ignoring.”
There were so many questions just hanging between us, but I didn’t know how to ask any of them or if they were even my business. He’d kind of been my friend back then, but now we were basically acquaintances.
Asking a casual friend about their sexual preferences just wasn’t something I would do.
Ever.
“Did you figure things out?” It was as close as I could get to what I really wanted to know.
“Yeah, once I saw the problems other people were facing, ignoring my own dominant tendencies seemed silly. I wasn’t fighting to survive or against an oppressive regime, I was just hiding from myself.” His eyes got a faraway look as he talked around the things he must have seen before they came back to focus on me.
“I know it’s not something other people will always understand, so it’s not a topic I bring up with just anyone, but it’s just part of who I am.” He paused for a few seconds, but when I just waited, he continued.
I didn’t know what he was expecting me to say, but my brain was having a hard time keeping up.
“I like taking care of my partners and I’m happiest in a relationship where I have a lot of control. It’s just who I am.” He shrugged, but I could feel the tension in his hand as it rested on my shoulder.
Forest was trying to be casual, but I knew he was waiting to hear what I would say.
There were so many warring things running through my head, I wasn’t sure what would come out. Finally, I said the words I’d wished someone had said to me. “You can’t help what makes you happy. I’m glad you figured it out.”
Then I smiled, a bit ruefully. “But it would have been nice if you hadn’t needed to go so far away to figure it out.”
“Yeah, I wish things would have been different.” His hand reached up and stroked over my head again. “But maybe some space wasn’t a bad thing. I can’t imagine telling young Joe about my kinks.”
Young Joe had been more open-minded than he probably wanted to hear.
Smiling, I shrugged. “Yeah, that would have been weird.”
He nodded, tension finally gone from his grip. “But now you’re an adult, and while I can see the kid there sometimes, it’s different.”
He’d always said things without realizing how deeply he’d aimed his arrow. Distance hadn’t changed that. If anything, it made his unconscious aim even more accurate. Brushing off the emotions that were barreling through me, I smiled. “Definitely not a kid any longer.”
“No.” He shook his head like it was still hard to believe. “But I hope somewhere inside of you is the kid that remembers he can talk to me. I wasn’t there when you needed help, but I’m here now. I know that isn’t good enough, but it’s sincere.”
He was right.
He hadn’t been there when I’d needed help, but I wasn’t sure I could have taken his rejection too, so maybe it was for the best he hadn’t been around.
Some things you just couldn’t recover from.
Chapter 5
Forest
For a while, the haunted look had faded from his eyes as he’d let himself get sucked into the movie. Now I could see the memories of the past coming back to the surface and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
Sometimes reopening a wound was the only way it would begin to start to heal, but sometimes that just let in infections and wounds festered.
Had I made things worse?
Everything in me said no. Just the complete lack of response when I mentioned kink said I’d hit a nerve he wasn’t ready to draw attention to. Anyone else would have commented on it in some way. Maybe a question about what kind of BDSM I was into or simply a startled reaction, but something.
But Joe…Joseph…absolutely nothing.
Sometimes the absence of a reaction was the most telling response.
I wasn’t so naïve I’d thought he would open up to me right away, but all I could do was hope that what I’d said hit home for him in some way.
When his only response was “thanks” as he nodded, I squeezed his shoulder again. He took a long breath and turned back to the movie, but when he didn’t pull away, I took that as a good sign. How long had it been since someone had just held him and told him it would all be all right?
His parents had never been that demonstrative, so I had a feeling it was longer than he would admit. I wasn’t sure what his past relationships had looked like, but if he were anything like the average guy his age, it would be mostly random hookups.
That just wasn’t the same.
Letting the conversation fall away, I focused on the movie. Even though it was one I enjoyed, my favorite part of watching it was his reactions. As he got sucked back into the world of space battles and aliens, he wiggled and smiled and every reaction was so sweet I wanted to grin.
Every movement and excited squirm inched him closer to me until my fingers were wrapped around the back of his neck. Threading my fingers through the hairs that trailed down his neck, I felt his muscles finally relax.
By the time the movie was over, he’d eaten a frightening number of brownies, but it was the way he started pulling back that had me the most concerned. As the joy from the movie started to fade, I could see real life flooding back to his brain and he scooted back toward the edge of the couch, a faint blush on his face. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Wanting to word it carefully, I shifted and leaned back against the arm. “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable or come on to you, but sometimes as humans, we just need to be held. It’s how we’re wired. No matter what our relationship looked like in the past, right now I see you as my friend…a friend who’s hurting.”