Is it weird I want to bring my fingers to my own lips because I miss his kiss that much?
Maybe a little.
“I miss you. I miss you so much every single day and I’ve made so much progress, Quin. I’ve learned that it isn’t you I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of men and I don’t know how to overcome it, but I’m here with you now and I’m not afraid. I’m relieved. I’m so relieved. I feel like I’ve been dragging this really heavy weight,” I start, my voice beginning to heighten. “I don’t want you to think I’m leading you on, or making you wait, I’m not. I swear. If you moved on, I understand. I really have gone to therapy, and I’ve gone to group meetings with other victims of abuse. I’m taking strides, Quin. And I was doing all of this for me, but I was doing it for you too. I wanted to be the person that deserved you. Am I there yet? I don’t know, but I was hoping maybe we can take things slow?”
Can a relationship be slow if I’m already in love with the man?
Quin’s eye warms and a tentative smile spreads across his lips, matching the emotion I feel. Nervous, afraid, yet…
Hopeful.
“There’s no pressure here,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to take your time because you’re afraid I won’t be around. Today was scary, but tomorrow I could die. Or you could. I want you to work on yourself and to be honest, all this time apart, I worked on myself too. If you want more time, I respect that. If you want to take things slow, I respect that too. But I want you, Mama. I’ve always wanted you and I will always want you. I love you to my marrow.”
He lifts his chin and takes my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. “And that’s why I’m not going to answer you right now. I think we should wait a couple days, let today blow over. Emotions were high and I want to make sure you aren’t making decisions from them.”
“Oh,” I look down to my lap, doing my best not to think of this as rejection.
His calloused fingers turn my cheek. “Don’t say it like that because if I could, I’d lay you down and silence you the way I used to, fucking you long and hard until those fingernails are scratching my back. I think about you every damn day, Mama. And if I were a selfish man, I’d take you up on your offer. If I was the type of man that didn’t care about your well-being, I would kiss you right now, and I do, I want to kiss you so bad.” His eye falls to my lips, and I lick them instinctively. “If I didn’t care about you at all, I’d lay you down and fuck you. I know myself better, though. And I know you. I won’t take advantage of you.”
And just like that, I fall a little more in love with him.
He scoots up the bed and pulls the covers back. “Come on, Mama. Let’s go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.”
“And you don’t think sleeping next to each other is a bad thing, Bear?” I slip under the sheets and turn to my side so my back is to him. He has to lie flat so he can elevate his leg. Even is his back is just a solid bruise now.
When he hears his nickname, he inhales a sharp breath. “Being next you could never be a bad thing, but rushing a good thing might be. It’s why I’m going to sleep without kissing you, without holding you, without making love to you, because I want our good thing. I’ve always wanted it.”
I shut my eyes, trying not to hate myself for not being who he has needed me to be. What if I can never be what he needs? What if the best version of me, is this?
I’m half-put back together while the other half is in tiny pieces.
Pieces that will never fit or mesh again.
I let go.
I couldn’t hold on anymore.
Kimmy slipped right through my fingers. I scream for her as she shouts for me on the way down to the abyss of the sea. Her eyes look up at me with tears. Her arms and legs kick in the air on the way down and the water engulfs her.
And just like that, she’s gone.
“Quin! Quin, wake up. Wake up. It’s just a dream.”
Delicate hands cup my face and my eye snaps open, and I jolt forward, the pain in my entire body flaring up from the quick motion.
“Kimmy,” I gasp, wiping my hand down my sweaty face. “Kimmy. Where is Kimmy?” I scramble off the bed, forgetting about my fractured ankle. I fall forward, slamming my shoulder against the wall. It knocks a sob out of me. “I tried to hold on.”
“Bear, my sweet bear, look at me,” Alicia whispers, grabbing me by the hands to help me walk toward the couch. “She’s safe. You didn’t let go. You never once let go. She’s here.” Alicia points to the pull-out bed and I hop around it to sit down on the edge, holding a hand over my mouth when I see Kimmy sleeping.
I run my fingers through her hair. “She’s alive.”
“She’s alive, Bear.”
“I didn’t let go.” I let out a breath. “I didn’t let go.” I dig the heel of my palms on my forehead as I repeat myself. “I didn’t let her go.”
“It was just a nightmare, Quin. Come on, you need rest. She’s okay.”
“It wasn’t a nightmare.” I take Kimmy’s hand and notice the bruises from my fingers on her arm, just above her wrist. “It happened. Everything could have been so different.”
“But it wasn’t,” Alicia points out, remaining calm. She grabs an orange bottle from the nightstand and unscrews the lid. “Come on, it’s time for your pain pills.”
I shake my head. “No way. I think they made me have that dream and I don’t ever want to relive that for as long as I live.”
She sighs, breaking the pain killer in half. “Take one half? Please? I don’t think it’s the medicine. I think it’s normal after having such a traumatic experience.” Alicia places it in my palm and then hands me a glass of water that’s half-full.
Or half-empty, however you want to look at it.
I pop it in my mouth, the grit of the medicine rancid against my tongue. I take a swallow of water, then decide to finish it off. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was.
“What time is it?” I ask.
“A little after nine in the morning.”
“Oh shit, I have to go. Church started,” I say. I try to prop myself out of bed, keeping my bad leg straight as I get up.
“You aren’t going anywhere. Boomer said—”
“—You talked to him?” I cut her off. “No, I’m going. I can’t sit around. I’m not good at that.”
“You’re only going to hurt yourself more if you push yourself. Jesus, Quin, can’t you rest? You fell from a fucking Ferris wheel, for crying out loud. Will you listen to me and sit your ass down, now!” she yells at me, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make me sit down.
“But I want to go. Can I go and promise to come back and be a good boy?” I say a bit too cheekily, but it has her grinning from ear to ear.
“Right back?”
“Pinky promise.”
She rolls her eyes and lies down next to Kimmy. “Fine. You’re your own man. If you trip over your crutches, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”
I don’t bother with a shirt, it’s too painful. “So mean.”
“That’s what happens when you don’t listen.”