“And if I were in better shape, I’d show you what happens when you mouth off like that.” If I could, I’d kick myself in the ass. We always used to banter before we’d clash into sex. It was always strong and intense.
We couldn’t kiss hard enough.
We couldn’t fuck hard enough.
She couldn’t cry my name loud enough.
Nothing was ever enough.
And we fell so easily into those roles. I’m nervous that I won’t be able to deliver what she wants―for this to go slowly. We fall into this too easily. It’s always been natural for us.
“I’m sorry,” I say as I hop out the door in my sweatpants and crutches. I can’t shut the door behind me fast enough. I don’t wait around for her to swing it open to argue with me.
She likes doing that. Arguing with me. Not in the sense of wanting to fight, but in the sense of wanting to talk sense into me. She’s passionate and opinionated. Those are my favorite two qualities. She doesn’t back down. Alicia thinks she’s weak because of her ex, but she got stronger because of him. I don’t think she’s afraid of men. I don’t believe she’s afraid of me.
I think she might be afraid of becoming the woman she was with him, which would never happen. That woman was hidden under fists and bad words, beaten until she was cloaked in fear and depression.
But the cloak has been ripped free.
And I’d never do a thing to jeopardize that freedom.
She means more to me than selfishly keeping her by my side. Her wings have been clipped for far too long and I’ll never stop her from soaring as high as she wants to fly.
Alicia deserves more than restraint.
She deserves the resilience she’s strived for and the life she’s always dreamed about.
“What the hell are you doing out of bed?” Homer sees me struggling to get through the door as he makes himself a sandwich. “You look like someone chewed you up and spit you out. I swear, back in my day, they made them there Ferris wheels stronger. Everything these days is so fucking cheap. I wouldn’t trust my damn cane in one of them things. I can’t believe you went on that ride. I mean—” he scoffs as he waves a mayonnaise-covered butter knife in the air.
Homer finds a reason to bitch about everything.
“—What were you thinking, One-Eye? I bet that last time that thing was inspected was back before I was born.” He snickers at his own joke, slinging the knife in the air.
I ignore him while he babbles on about his old age and open the door to Church. Everyone’s heads turn to look at me and every single jaw drops to the floor.
Boomer runs to me when he sees how much I’m sweating and struggling. He slams the door closed and helps me to a chair. Arrow grabs my crutches from under me.
“What the fuck are you doing here? I told Alicia that you were excused from Church.”
“I didn’t want to miss anything,” I attempt through broken breaths.
“My God, you look like you got beat up by a—”
“An amusement park ride? Yeah, I know, Kansas.” Like I need to hear it again.
“You’re sweating, and your back…” Boomer seems stressed and laces his fingers behind his neck. “No wonder Reaper has aged a hundred fucking years. You assholes are enough to cause a heart attack. One-Eye, your back is the color of an eggplant.”
Warden laughs, then clears his throat when everyone looks at him accusingly. “Sorry, you said eggplant. I think it’s a funny…” he swallows and looks around before sagging in his chair. “Word,” he whispers.
“I can’t lie in bed right now, okay?” I start to explain, and Arrow places a glass of water in front of me. I greedily drink it, too fast. Water spills from my lips, dripping down my chin onto my lap. “Thanks,” I say, inhaling a lungful of air after chugging it down so fast. “I see Kimmy in there asleep and I had a bad dream, okay?”
“A bad dream?” Boomer prods.
It sounds so adolescent when I say it like that. “Can we get on with Church?”
“No. No sense, because half of it was to talk about you.” Boomer crosses his arms over his chest.
I place my elbows on the table. “What do you want to know? How to help me? You can’t help me. No one can help me. My body is fucked-up but that’s it, okay?”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah, Prez. That’s it. I’m fine.”
“You’re fine.”
“Stop repeating everything I say!” I slam my fist on the table and shake the glasses on the tray. They clink together from the tremors I’ve caused. “I’m sorry, Prez.”
“You aren’t okay, One-Eye. It’s okay not to be fucking okay. You don’t have to pretend in this Clubhouse.”
My eye begins to water when I think about the dream. “It felt so real. It was like we were up there all over again, but this time I didn’t hang on. I let go and I watched her sink into the ocean.”
“She’s safe.”
“I know that. I know. I woke up and Alicia brought me to Kimmy, but I can’t seem to forget it. It’s playing over and over again.” I tap the side of my temple harder than necessary.
“I know all about that,” he replies, reminding me of his intrusive thoughts. “You should feel proud of yourself today, One-Eye. You were one hell of a man yesterday. You hung on with one arm to the rail and the other holding onto Kimmy. It seemed like forever. It scared the hell out of us. Not much terrifies us, but that did. You were fucking Ruthless. You showed what it meant to be a King and I’m so fucking proud of you. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to live in a moment that scares the hell out of you. We are human, but you’re fearless when you need to be, and that’s what makes you so important to this club. So when I tell you you aren’t to do a thing around here, I mean it. The guys are picking up your end of the responsibilities around here. O’Crowely is preparing the first big delivery. And it’s fucking big.”
“I was supposed to go up there with Carson, Kansas, and Cold. I’m the road captain. We were supposed to protect the truck.”
“Don’t worry about that. Warden is going in your place.”
“Heyyoo,” Warden calls out.
“Fucker,” Bane says after.
“You’re just jealous ‘cause you’ll be here.”
Bane launches himself at Warden and tackles him out of the chair and onto the ground. Boomer sighs and digs something out of his pocket. Arrow slides in closer to me and pours me another glass of water.
“You took ten years off my life and seeing you like this takes another ten,” he says.
“How do you think I feel?” I try to crack a joke, but he doesn’t laugh. “We’ve been through too much, Arrow. I’m not going to die that easily.”
“You look like you’re dying to me.” His eyes fall to my back and a muscle flexes in his jaw as he tenses.
Boomer interrupts us by throwing poppers on the ground next to Warden and Bane.
Pop! Pop! Pop!
“Will you stop acting like children for more than five minutes?”
“He started it,” Bane mumbles, pointing to Warden.
“I’ll fucking finish it too.”