That description was like calling the sun a white spot in the sky, instead of acknowledging that it was the source of all life on the planet, but it felt like I needed to lighten the mood and lessen the pressure. Jack had enough on his plate without adding me and my feelings to it.
“Amelia…” His face said he was working on a rebuttal of that statement, complete with an itemized list of arguments.
I grinned and shook my head. “All I’m saying is that we don’t have to label this. We don’t have to define it. We can just enjoy what’s happening and take it at the pace that makes sense. I don’t want to be one more thing in your life you have to do right…whatever that means. Slow and easy is fine by me.”
Jack let out a long breath, pressing a kiss into my hair, then leaning his cheek against the top of my head. “You make me feel like I can breathe again.” He put his hands on my shoulders and met my eyes. “You make me feel like a man again—”
There it was. That tug of our connection drawing us together, just in time for the squeak of the bathroom door to announce the end of our time alone.
Chapter Seventeen
Amelia
Giggles and conversation bounced down the hallway. Jack and I put a respectable distance between us just in time for the cavalry to romp into the kitchen, wearing PJs and smelling of little kid soap.
Charlie had a brush in hand and a smile on her face. “Will you do my hair, ‘Melia? Daddy pulls too hard.”
“You better believe it.” I took the brush and gently drew it through her curls, starting at the bottom, then working my way to the top. The scent of her strawberry shampoo hit my nose, sweet and vibrant, just like her, and she almost purred at the contact, sighing deeply when I handed her back the brush.
“You’re real good at being a mom.”
Charlie’s wide brown eyes hit mine with a jolt of truth and my heart burst open. Emotion staggered me and tears sprang to my eyes. I tried to shove everything back into its box in the back of my mind before anyone could see. The last thing I wanted was to stand in that kitchen and explain how a simple compliment knocked the air out of my lungs.
How could you not have seen this coming? whispered a cruel voice in the back of my head. You should have known something like this would happen. Good things come with a price and you should get out now before you have to pay it.
I hadn’t heard thoughts like that in a long time.
“Thank you,” I said to Charlie, trying to ignore the tremble in my voice. “You’re real good at being a kid.”
I gave her a wink, then glanced at the ceiling, working my breath. The room felt too small. My head felt too cluttered, and my heart? It thundered and choked. No one in the Cooper house knew this version of me—the one who drowned in anxiety. Now was not the time to make an introduction, especially considering I’d completely outgrown her.
Or at least I thought I had.
I turned to Jack, my smile cranked to eleven. “I’ve taken up enough of your evening. I should probably get going.”
He quirked his head, a question in his eyes, but I hightailed it for the door.
You’re real good at being a mom.
The words echoed and distorted, the trust on Charlie’s face tugging at a wound that should have closed years ago.
“Hey! Amelia! Wait!” Jack caught up to me in the foyer, with the kids following behind. He put a hand on my arm, his eyes begging me to stay, then gave his attention to them. “Hey guys, why don’t you find us something to watch for movie night and I’ll join you after I say goodbye to Amelia.”
They shouted their excitement and hightailed it for the living room while Jack took me out to the porch. “What happened in there?” he asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you not smile. Was it something I said?”
I leaned on the railing, my gaze on the tree in the front yard. Wind rustled through the leaves as I considered making up some bullshit story about what upset me, hiding my scars from Jack the way I hid them from everyone.
I turned, wrapping my arms around my stomach as I shook my head. “You didn’t say anything wrong.”
“Was it Charlie?” He frowned, studying me as if he could read the reason for my reaction like one of my logos on my shirts. “Did her calling you a mom freak you out?”
I opened my mouth to explain, but the words stuck in my throat. We’d accidentally stumbled on a truth that almost killed me and I’d never told anyone.
Not Evie. Not Darian. Not my mom or dad.
Could I really tell Jack?
One look in his eyes gave me the answer I needed. I trusted this man. Maybe it was his willingness to confide in me. Maybe it was because he’d experienced grief and knew how it sank its hooks into you and refused to let go. Or maybe it was something more, like the connection that had me believing my higher self brought me here to find him in the first place.
Whatever it was, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and spoke a truth. “I can’t have kids.” I flared my hands and risked a glance, waiting for the pain to come. Waiting to feel the panic of drowning that pulled me under all those years ago.
Jack put his hand on mine, his eyes searching my face.
“I always wanted to be a mom. I used to dream about these giant family Christmases….” I stared at the tree in the yard, watching the leaves dance through dappled sunlight. “It was my first answer whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. ‘I’m gonna be a mom.’ Charlie telling me I was good at it…well, I just wasn’t prepared. I should have been…” I shook my head, chasing back the tidal wave of disappointment, focusing on the mantras that got me through.
It’s all going to be okay.
The universe is always looking out for me.
I am on the right path even when that path is dark.
I am the storm.
Jack’s eyebrows drew together. “I’m so sorry, Amelia.”
“Yeah. Me too.” I sighed as I ran my hands through my hair. “I was living with this guy. We thought we were pretty serious, even though we were too young to know much of anything really. We weren’t careful and I got pregnant and I should have been scared, but oh, Jack, I was so excited. The thought of having a little person to look after, to guide…it was the first time in my life that I was truly happy. I lost the baby pretty quickly, which led to tests, which led to the realization that the chances of me getting pregnant in the first place were miniscule and the chance of me ever carrying a baby to term…” I stared at my feet, my heart aching with this poisonous truth. “When Charlie said I’d be a good mom, it all hit me in the face again. After these last few weeks with your kids, I’ve realized how much I love it, and that yeah, I might actually be good at it.”
Jack wrapped me in his arms, pressing my head to his chest as he stroked my hair. His smell, his warmth, he was better than any mantra out there. I melted into his comfort, allowing myself to experience the pain before I put it away once and for all.
“Is that why you aren’t with that guy anymore? He wanted a baby and left because you can’t have them?”
I scoffed and pulled away to lean on the rail again. “He bolted the day he found out I was pregnant. Doesn’t even know I lost the baby. Over the years, I’ve told myself it all worked out for the best. Jeremy and I were destined to fail and single mom-ing is hard. Plus, I had to learn a lot about myself and needed to rewrite the way I look at life. If I hadn’t made this massive change in the way I saw things, I’d probably be…” I shook my head, unable to speak the rest of that thought. “Well, I wouldn’t be good, that’s what.”