I glanced down, then met her gaze with a sheepish grin. My mouth opened, but there was nothing to say, so I shrugged and smoothed the front of my shirt like that solved everything.
“It’s all good, big guy. Don’t hurt yourself trying to explain.” She put a hand on my arm, kissed my cheek, then quietly closed the door as she left the house.
Sunday started with three kids jumping into bed with me. While I hoped I’d fool them into dozing off by staying still and faking a snore or two, they were old enough to know that trick. They were awake, which meant so was I, and that was all there was to it. I let them have cereal while I downed coffee and texted Amelia. Connor and Charlie plowed through breakfast and disappeared into their rooms, but Garrett stayed at the table, staring into his empty bowl until I noticed and put down my phone.
“Those look like some mighty deep thoughts for eight o’clock in the morning.” I folded my arms on the table and leaned in. “Feel like sharing?”
“Do you think Izzy can be our babysitter until school starts?” Garrett risked a peek at me, then gave his attention right back to his bowl.
It was everything I could do not to show the jolt of frustration that shot through me. What did he have against Amelia? It was almost like he couldn’t stand to see me happy…which I knew wasn’t true. I took a deep breath and shoved those thoughts into the back of my mind.
“Izzy works during the day, just like me.” I sucked in my lips as I studied my oldest son.
I’d been putting off talking to him about his behavior for one reason or another since he started acting like a jerk around Amelia. Which I knew brought up some pretty good questions, like, ‘Yeah, asshole. Why have you been putting it off? You keep complaining about how you can’t keep going on like this…’
But I’d always been tired after a long day of work.
Or rushing through the morning to avoid being late.
Or everything was calm and quiet, and I didn’t want to disturb the peace.
While I wasn’t caffeinated enough for the conversation, it was time to stop making excuses and get it over with. I stood, poured another cup of coffee and took a long drink before returning to the table.
“Why don’t you like Amelia anymore?” The question hit a little harder than I intended.
Garrett dropped his chin, then let out a sigh too heavy for a nine-year-old. When he looked at me, his brow was furrowed. Bits and pieces of his mom hid in his expression. Her eyes, her hair…her hesitance to talk about anything unpleasant. Emotion welled up from nowhere, surprising me with its strength as it threatened to pull me under.
My son was too young to look that upset.
“I like Amelia…”
“You don’t act like you like her very much anymore.”
“I just…” Garrett dropped his hands to his lap and his gaze followed. “I don’t want her to take Mom’s place.” His voice cracked and he swallowed hard. When he looked up, shards of his grief pricked mine.
I put a hand on his arm. “No one can take your mom’s place. She will always live in your heart. She will always be your mom, no matter what happens or who else you meet.”
My son took a long breath. Licked his lips. Played with the hem of his shirt. “I can’t remember what she looks like anymore.” His voice was barely a whisper. “I used to be able to, but now I have to look at her pictures. And I can’t hear her voice in my head. I used to be able to close my eyes and listen to her sing. Now I can’t…I can’t hear her.” Tears swelled in Garrett’s eyes. He blinked and they fell. He didn’t wipe them away. “Sometimes, when I try to remember Mom, all I see is Amelia. I don’t want her to disappear all the way. I don’t want her to take Mom’s place.”
His words were a sucker punch. My lips parted. Air whooshed from my lungs. My relationship with Amelia was too new to think about marriage, but as a monogamy kind of guy, if things kept working out, that would be the next logical step.
I hadn’t been thinking that far ahead yet, but Garrett had, and now that he’d opened the floodgates, his words kept flowing. “I’m old enough to know adults don’t have sleepovers. She stayed the night because you love her like you loved Mom.”
How could I explain love and grief to someone who hadn’t lived long enough to understand how complicated it could be? How emotions twisted together, branching off into unexpected directions. You could love two people with all of your heart at the same time. I knew because I was a parent who loved his children and a man who loved his wife…and the woman who’d stepped into her place.
How could I explain that to a child?
I met Garrett’s eyes. “I am starting to love Amelia, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving Mom. She’ll always be right here.” I placed a hand to my chest, then to his.
“I miss her, Dad.” His tears flowed freely. “I miss her so much and I just want her back.”
My throat grew thick, emotion strangling me. “I’m so sorry, Garrett.”
And I was. My God, I was. I was sorry to lose Natalie. Sorry the children would grow up with grief rooted in their hearts. Sorry the last couple years had been so damn hard. Sorry for all the ways I’d failed.
“Me too, Daddy.” Garrett hiccupped. “I’m sorry too.”
He hadn’t called me Daddy in years. As tears poured down his cheeks, his blue eyes just like his mom brimming in pain and begging me for relief, my heart shattered all over again. He was too young to bear this burden. Too young to carry so much hurt. Too young to watch another woman replace the only one he’d ever loved.
I scooted back my chair and held out my hands for my oldest son, who climbed into my lap and cried.
Later that evening, after the kids were in bed, I sat at that table with a bottle of whiskey.
I didn’t know what I was going to do. I couldn’t sort through all the crap at my feet and see an acceptable solution. Amelia being in the picture was putting too much pressure on Garrett’s grief, but damn it!
I needed her.
I wanted her.
I loved her.
I’d forgotten what happiness felt like until that crazy woman with her sage smudges, flowing skirts, and can’t-stop-me-now positivity t-shirts came into my life. And my kids? They’d been doing so well, until I pushed too hard, too fast. Until I’d stopped thinking about what was right for them and started working on what was right for me. Shaking my head, I downed my glass and poured another, letting the alcohol burn away the pain.
I’d promised myself I wouldn’t bring a woman into their lives until I knew it was serious. Until I was sure they were ready to handle it. That promise had shattered in a big way and here I was, dealing with the repercussions.
Or rather, Garrett was dealing with the repercussions.
And Connor.
And Charlie.
I raked my hands into my hair and propped my elbows on my knees. Now what? How do I untangle this mess without hurting anyone?
You don’t.
That thought planted a stone in my stomach. There had to be a way. There had to be something I could do to keep this train from falling off the tracks. I just needed time to think it through.
Time.
I just needed more time.