He put his hand on my shoulder, and I wanted to shrug it off. “Is that what you say to make what you do better?” I asked.
“I look at the bigger picture. People do bad things all the time. We’re helping a few along the way.”
“And the ones who end up dead and are completely innocent?” I asked.
“Give it time, and you’ll be able to justify everything in your head.” My dad turned away from me and began to walk away.
“Why me?” I asked. “Why did they pick me of all people for this?”
“Because out of everyone, you will see the logic in what you’ve done. You’ll be able to fall asleep knowing there is one less monster on the streets.”
It wasn’t a consolation. I had to touch Sian with these hands.
I pictured the little girl. The bruises covering her body. The quivering lip. The fear. That bastard had done those things to her and no one could do anything about it.
Had I helped?
I guessed I would never know. I only hoped I had.
I guessed this meant I was now a member of The Society, to live, to serve, to breathe for them.
Chapter Sixteen
Sian
My mother was a strong woman, that I could tell. She bossed around the nurses, hating when they tried to baby her. Especially when Lucas, George, Harrison, and Justin also tried to get involved and tell her how to recover. In the months I’d been living with them, I had never seen them put in their place. Joan was a real pro at it.
For the past week, I’d been coming and going, spending as much time as I could at the hospital to be close to her.
I wanted her to feel happy, warm, contended.
So far, Alexander hadn’t shown his face, nor had anyone spotted him. The video of him beating up Heather was still circling the news, with calls for anyone who has seen him to come forward.
The bruises were already starting to fade from my mother’s face and body as I sat down late one Friday evening. The doctors didn’t want her to go home. I thought that was a lie. I didn’t think my guys’ dads wanted her to leave without being properly assessed after spending nearly a lifetime on some kind of sedative or drug.
She had taken a shower and her hair was a little damp.
With her good hand, she struggled to run a brush through the long locks, and so I offered.
“I’m the one who is supposed to be brushing your hair. Like everything else, I seem to be fucking up everything.”
I chuckled. “You’re not fucking up everything.”
“I am. You’re just too kind to tell me when I am or not.”
This made me smile. “You need to stop worrying.”
“It’s kind of hard to do. My nineteen-year-old daughter is all grown up and looking so very beautiful. While I look like I should be institutionalized.”
I didn’t say anything and I was careful as I ran the brush through her hair. “How were you able to drive me that day?” I asked.
“What?”
“The first day of school. You were more lucid than before. You drove me to school.”
Joan sighed. “The … he hadn’t given me a dose of the drugs that day. The days I was more lucid, he either gave me a smaller dose, or forgot.”
This made me frown as I brushed her hair.
“I’m confusing you because when I didn’t have any of the drugs, I acted like a crazy person, like sending you a cell phone to talk to you.”
“Yeah, like that.”
She didn’t talk as I ran the brush through her hair. Then she put her hand on her head, getting me to stop.
I went to move toward the seat in the corner, but she grabbed my arm, stopping me. “Don’t … go,” she said.
“I’m only going to sit there.”
Joan patted the bed. “Please.”
I perched on the edge and she sighed. “You don’t believe me.”
“I don’t know what to believe,” I said. “I don’t know how you could drive and yet, you couldn’t stop everything then and there.”
Joan nibbled on her lip. “Sometimes he knew when he hadn’t given me the drugs and you have to understand he was so controlling and I was so alone. I begged him on one of the days that I … he was having an affair, as you know, with your school friend Chloe. He forgot to feed me those pills, and you were due to go to All Saints.”
She stopped and licked her lips. “I was going to take you. I wanted to but I wasn’t going to take you to the school. I had a bag packed as I always did. I thought with him distracted, I’d get away, finally.”
Joan’s lips pressed together, and I saw tears in her eyes.
“He came home the night before and he knew. He knew what I was going to do.” Joan put her hands to her neck. “He grabbed me so hard, I couldn’t breathe. I nearly passed out, but then he let me go. He told me that … if I wanted my daughter to survive the year, then I would be a good mother to her, drop her off at the school, and then come home to him, crawling on my hands and knees.”
“And you did it?”
Joan nodded. “I … I played my role. I was the perfect mom, only I was sending my daughter into that school, knowing what was to come, and I hated myself. You didn’t deserve that.” Tears fell from her eyes.
I wanted to hug her, but I held myself back. It would be so easy to forgive her. At the same time, I couldn’t, and I hated myself for the way my feelings were messing with my head.
“Alexander had been waiting for this moment for so long. The selection. I didn’t want you to go through with it. When the agreement was made, I thought … I hoped, I’d get a chance to get you as far away from all of this as possible.”
“Dad wasn’t there,” I said. “You could have driven off with me that day.”
“That night, he told me what he did to Drew,” she said. “How he … killed her. He injected her with poison, Sian, but he made it look like she was shot. He told me that he had so many friends who were sick and tired of The Society and all that it entailed. How he had people watching. There was no way I could protect you. All I could do was wait.” Joan lifted her hand. “I should have known if I couldn’t deal with him, my daughter would find a way.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t find a way good enough, Mom. He hasn’t stopped. You’re in the hospital because of him. Heather’s dead because of him.”
“He couldn’t stand that girl. I think he knew she was placed there by The Society.”
“How did you know about that?”
“Lucas told me,” Joan said. “At least I knew someone was looking out for you when I couldn’t.”
I had no idea what to say.
The doctor chose that moment to come into the room, and I stood.
“Don’t go,” Joan said. “We have a lot to talk about.”
I nodded, but for now, I really needed to go get some coffee.
Leaving the room, I went straight toward the cafeteria where I found Gideon, Dante, Mateo, and William already sitting around the table.
I ordered my coffee, paid for it, and went to their table to join them.
“Do you have room for one more?” I asked.