Sian sat in a chair, arms folded, looking straight ahead. She looked a little pale.
William was curled up across two chairs. Gideon paced. Mateo had gone out for some air. I thought finding Joan seizing like that had fucked with his head. If I’d seen the same thing, I’d be feeling it too.
Joan was no longer at Alexander’s mercy though. We had her back.
To me, tonight was a victory, even though we went hunting for Alexander. We didn’t fail, but I had the feeling the others felt like we had failed in some way. I wasn’t sure exactly why. There was no failure here.
Unless … Joan didn’t make it.
Getting to my feet, I moved toward Sian then sat down beside her. I took her hand, locking our fingers together. She didn’t push me away, and I breathed a sigh of relief she didn’t.
“How are you holding up?” I asked quietly.
“I don’t know. I’m kind of numb.” She glanced back at me, forcing her lips up into a smile she clearly didn’t feel. “You?”
“I’m worried about you.”
She blew out a breath. “I don’t know what to think and feel right now, Dante.” She looked at our hands. “I’m surprised you don’t have your book tracing out every moment.” She winced. “Sorry, that sounded bitchy.”
“Some moments in life don’t need to be captured. The memory alone is painful enough.”
She squeezed my hand. “I feel … I feel sick. I don’t know what to think right now. I feel so guilty because…” She didn’t finish, just shook her head and then stood.
Gideon watched, and I shook my head at him, going after Sian as she ran out of the waiting room. I followed her outside. She was taking large gulps of air when I joined her.
I didn’t say anything but let her know I was there with a single hand to her back, offering her support in any way she needed it. She didn’t push me away, and I took that as a victory.
“God, this is … ugh!” She released a scream and stepped away from me. “You shouldn’t touch me. I’m a horrible person.”
“Sian?”
“No! Don’t Sian me. It’s not right.” She covered her face with her hands.
I waited. She was hurting. I got that.
“Do you know there were times after Drew passed away that I wished it was her?” she asked. “Drew would have been so disappointed in me.”
As I wrapped my arms around her, Sian shoved me away. “No. Don’t hold me. I’m a monster.” She groaned.
“Sian, this isn’t your fault.”
She laughed. “Not my fault? Am I not getting what I wished for?”
“You didn’t know. Believe me when I say this, I’m a great believer in taking full responsibility when it is shit you know and you could have done better, but not with this. How could you have known? No one did.”
“That’s my mother,” she said. “And I wished her dead.”
“She’s not dead. You’ve got a chance to make this right with her.”
“How?”
“By being there. By not turning your back. By giving her a chance to prove to you she is the mother worthy of your love.” I cupped her cheeks, wiping away the tears that fell. “I know it hurts. I know you feel guilty. Accept it. Learn from it. But don’t let it drown you. You’ve got the chance to make this right.”
I kissed her lips. This time, she wrapped her arms around me and I held her close, not wanting to let her go.
“I don’t want her to die,” Sian said.
“The doctors are taking care of her. I’m here for you.”
She sniffled against my neck and I ran my hands down her back, trying to comfort her. I wasn’t doing the best job of it.
We stood outside like this and Mateo found us, holding each other. “Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” I said.
“I’m going to head back in. See if we’ve got an update or something.”
I nodded but made no move to let her go.
“He’s gone,” I said.
Sian still didn’t let me go. We stood as people came out and went in. I didn’t care what they thought. She needed me and I was there for her. I would always be there for her.
Mateo returned five minutes later. “The doctors have gotten her stable. She’s in recovery right now. She would like to see you,” Mateo said.
Sian pulled out of my arms. “She’s awake?”
Mateo nodded.
Her gaze went to mine.
I cupped her face, wiping away more of the tears that fell. “You’ve got this.”
She shook her head.
“Yes. You’re strong, Sian. Don’t think of anything else. You’ve got this.”
She took a deep breath and held on to my hand.
Mateo raised a brow, and I shrugged.
Following Sian into the hospital, we went back to the waiting room just as Lucas returned, looking pale as if he’d seen a ghost. “She wants to see you,” he said.
“Dante is coming with me,” Sian said.
He nodded. “I’ll take you.”
We followed close behind Lucas as we walked down a corridor, passing so many people. I looked at the raw emotion on their faces, taken aback by how hard it hit me. Guilt, shame, pain, remorse, sadness, happiness. It was all here to see and I felt like I was drowning.
Holding Sian’s hand tightly, we arrived at a private room.
She’d come to a stop.
Lucas was near the door.
“She’s awake,” Lucas said.
Sian nodded.
“I’ll give you some time.”
She didn’t move.
I stayed by her side, waiting for her to make this decision. This wasn’t on me or anyone else, but Sian. It was her choice.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I … I don’t know.”
Nurses and doctors passed, giving us curious looks. I glared at them to know they could turn their fucking faces away.
“This is your choice,” I said.
Sian laughed. “Sorry. It’s so not the right time to find that statement funny, but if you think about it, it really is funny. My choice? Nothing has been my choice, Dante. You know that.”
“I won’t judge you. None of us will if you don’t want to see her.”
Sian looked up at the ceiling, and I saw her trying to control her tears. “Drew asked me to always give her a chance.” She sniffled. “She said one day my mom was going to be able to be the mom I always wanted.” Then she took a deep breath. “When the time came, the one thing I could do for her was to give her a chance.”
I watched her swallow, and then she stepped inside the room and finally faced her mother.
Joan Roberts looked a fucking mess, and that was putting it nicely.
When Mateo had been trying to help her during her seizure and with how dark it was, I hadn’t gotten a good look at her. Now, she was a broken woman. Her face was covered in bruises. Her hand was bandaged up, as was her leg.
“Sian,” she said.
I heard the pain within her voice, and I tried not to wince.
It wouldn’t help mother and daughter if I showed any kind of feeling.
“What did he do to you?” Sian asked. She let go of me and moved closer to the bed.