“I can’t believe we’re in California,” she breathed.
I smiled. “Together.”
She squinted against the sun when she turned to look at me, her gray eyes almost blue in that light. “Thank you for today, Jamie. Yesterday, too.”
“We’re just getting started,” I said.
We stood there a moment, both of us silent.
Kiss her, the devil whispered.
But I fought him off a little longer.
“By the way, I have to ask. How come you left the push-up bra at home? I was kind of looking forward to seeing you try to surf in it,” I teased.
She glared, nudging me with a smile playing at the corner of her lips. “It was a pool party, okay? I needed something a little more showy than my surf tops that make me look like a boy.” She glanced down at her chest then, as if she couldn’t see that she had plenty of cleavage for any straight man to appreciate.
“Oh, so you were putting on a show that night, huh?”
“Well, you see, someone had been ignoring me,” she teased back. “So I needed to find a way to get some attention.”
She scrunched up her nose, sticking her tongue out a bit at me, and I wanted to laugh. God, I wished I could have just laughed and got in the Jeep and held that just friends façade in place.
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t smile. I couldn’t do anything but look at her with longing bursting from my chest.
“You don’t look like a boy, for the record,” I said.
She laughed, and the sound undid me.
I stepped closer, finally giving in to what I wanted. My hand slid into her salty hair, and she stopped laughing. She stopped breathing, and so did I.
“And I wasn’t ignoring you. I was avoiding you. I was trying to stay away.” I swallowed, searching her eyes before my gaze fell to her lips.
Kiss her.
My other hand slipped into her hair, too, framing her face.
Kiss her.
“I was trying to stop myself from doing this.”
I pulled her into me, claiming her lips with my own, and the devil cheered.
We both held our breath, the kiss so powerful it felt like the whole universe shifted with it. I half expected her to shove me away.
But she didn’t.
She pressed up onto her toes, wanting more, her hands fisting in my shirt, and mine gripping her hair tight as we both exhaled together. I became an animal at the sound of it, at knowing she wanted it, too. I sucked her plump bottom lip between my teeth with a groan, letting it go only to kiss her even harder, to slide my tongue along the seam of her lips until she let me inside.
Her legs trembled, and I held onto her tighter, letting her know she could trust me, that I had her, that it was okay.
Except it wasn’t okay.
Because I was kissing my roommate’s girlfriend.
And she was cheating.
The realization struck me like lightning, and I broke our kiss, pressing my forehead to hers on a curse. We were both panting, still dancing on that line, both desperately wanting to climb over it, and yet knowing we shouldn’t.
“Jamie, I—”
“Have a boyfriend. I know.”
I fought the urge to curse again as I let her go, and as soon as I did, I had to turn away from her, walk away from her. My hands raked through my hair, and then I rested them on top of my head, staring at the parking lot feeling like a fool.
“Goddamnit,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”
I closed my eyes against the emotion surging through me. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t face what I’d just made her do.
“We should go,” she whispered after what felt like the longest moment of my life, and she slipped into my passenger seat without waiting for me to respond.
It took me a while to get the nerve to get in that Jeep with her, and when I did, I started the ignition without looking at her. I couldn’t turn on a playlist, either.
Every song reminded me of her.
So, I let the wind be our soundtrack, and we drove back toward campus in silence.
Until her phone rang.
B frowned at the screen, swallowing hard before she answered with a weak voice.
“Hey, babe.”
I gripped the steering wheel tighter, accidentally pressing too hard on the gas. I didn’t realize I’d done so until I passed a speed limit sign and noted that I was twenty over.
I slowed down, listening.
“On my way now,” B said. “Listen, I’m really exhausted, could we maybe go to dinner another night?”
My chest ached with guilt, and when I chanced a glance at B, her eyes were welling with tears as Ethan spoke.
“I miss you, too,” she croaked after a minute. “Give me an hour and then you can head over.”
She ended the call as I pulled onto campus, and when I parked the Jeep in G Lot, she immediately reached for the door handle.
I hit the lock button before she could pull it.
“I’m sorry, B.”
She closed her eyes, freeing one solo tear that I wished desperately to wipe away, but I kept my hands on the wheel.
“Ethan is a great guy and he cares about you, and I know you care about him, too. And what I did today was selfish. It was foolish.”
I ruined it. I fucked everything up.
I lost her.
I didn’t know if that moment was the last I’d ever have with her, but just in case it was, I had to make sure she knew.
“I’m not sorry I kissed you,” I said.
Her eyes widened a bit, hesitantly finding mine.
“But I’m sorry I did it when you weren’t mine to kiss.”
Her bottom lip quivered, her eyes searching mine for the longest time. And then, with a broken voice, she said, “I’m sorry, too. I think maybe this was a bad idea.”
“No,” I argued, my heart lurching in my chest. I let the wheel go then, turning to face her. “Listen, I promise, I won’t pull that shit again. But please, don’t push me away. We can still be friends, B. I don’t want to lose you.”
I pleaded as much as I could with my eyes, hoping she could see me — the real me — the me only she knew.
“Please, let me be your friend.”
She looked at me like she didn’t know if she could trust me or not, and I couldn’t blame her, not after what I’d done. But I held her gaze steady, letting her know I meant every word.
“Okay,” she finally said.
I let out a sigh of relief.
“But we can’t…. I can’t…” She waved her hand behind her, back toward the direction of the beach, and I nodded.
“I know.”
She nodded, too. “Help me with my board?”
I was a wreck after that, especially when I got back to the dorm just in time to watch Ethan shower and get ready for his date with B. He was all smiles, a lovesick puppy as he rambled on about how great she was, like I didn’t already know.
When he was gone, all I could think about was that he was with her. That he might be touching her, kissing her, tasting her…
I punched a hole through my wall, growling like a beast and realizing I would have to fix it before he got home. At least it gave me a project, something to keep my mind off them being together, off her.
Of course, it didn’t work.
Nothing did.
I laid awake that night, staring at my ceiling with a fist-size hole in my chest.