“Why do you have to be so stubborn?”
I cross my arms, settling in for a conversation I’m fucking loving so far. “I could ask you the same thing.”
“Honestly, Jack, you are far more stubborn than me.”
“You do it so beautifully, though. Don’t ever stop.”
That sends her into silence, so I direct the conversation somewhere else. “I spoke with my therapist about writing and producing today.”
She takes a moment before saying, “And?”
“And I think it might be something I’ll pursue.”
“You used to talk about doing this a lot. I’ve often wondered why you haven’t done it yet.”
I love that she’s wondered about me in this way, but I don’t mention that. I go with raw honesty instead, sharing thoughts I’ve only ever shared with Constance. “I was too busy chasing success. And then drinking to avoid the fear of losing it all. Any time I thought about trying something new, I told myself not to fuck with something that was working for me. Producing would have been okay but writing felt too out there. There was too much unpredictability with that.”
“You were worried you wouldn’t succeed at it?”
“Yeah,” I say, swallowing down how fucking hard it is to admit this to her.
“I understand that,” she says softly, and fuck if that doesn’t make me want her more than I already do.
“I think that fucking shit up like I have has actually been the best thing that could have happened.”
“Because you don’t feel like you have so much to lose now?”
“Yes. But also because it’s shown me that the world didn’t end when I fucked up. I’m okay, and I’ll be okay.”
“So do you think you’ll look for something to produce? Or do you want to write something of your own to produce? Or are you still just thinking about it all?”
Almost everyone I know likes to give me their unsolicited opinion on what I should do with my career, especially when I take a step in the wrong direction. Jessica was never like that. She always listened and prodded me with questions, but she never told me what she thought I should do. It was one of the things I liked about her the most. And right now, I really fucking appreciate it.
“I’ve been reading a book that I think would make a great movie.”
“This sounds exciting.”
“What do you think about me branching out?” I may love the fact she doesn’t just offer up her thoughts, but I always want them.
“It doesn’t matter what I think, Jack.”
“I know, but I’m interested in your perspective.”
She turns the shower off. “I think we always know what we want but are too scared to admit it to ourselves sometimes. Change is hard, but there’s no growth without it. I think you should choose growth, whatever that is for you.”
I have no idea if she’s got her towel around her yet, but there’s not one thing that could stop me from standing and turning to face her after she says that.
She’s securing the towel in place when our eyes meet.
Fuck, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Standing in front of me with her long, wet hair stuck to her skin, and her face bare of make-up, she glows with that beauty.
I move closer to her. “How the fuck did I ever let you go?”
“Jack,” she breathes, but I cut her off.
“I hurt you in the worst possible way and you will never know how sorry I am for that.”
She stares at me in silence for a long moment before finally saying, “Just because you say sorry doesn’t mean everything is wiped clean.”
“I know, and I don’t think this should ever be wiped clean. But I still love you, Jessica, and I think you still love me.”
“I can’t do this with you again, Jack. You might know you hurt me in the worst possible way, but you don’t know how that felt for me. It’s not something I’m willing to experience again.”
Fuck, I hate what I did to her. I hate that I was a weak man when she needed me to be strong and to cherish her heart. “I’m different now, and I know that’s a fucking cliché of a thing to say, but it’s true. You’ve seen that for yourself.”
“I’ve seen that for a week. One week. That’s not long enough for me to form any true opinion.”
I cup her face, forcing her to give me every ounce of her attention. “Do you really believe that? You know me better than anyone. Better than even Ashton. You know I’ve changed. And I get it. I get that you’re scared I’ll relapse, that I’ll fuck it all up again, but the thing is, I don’t want to drink, Jessica. I’ve finally opened my fucking eyes and am seeing all the things I want so much more than a fucking drink.”
Her chest rises and falls with her quickened breaths. “You cheated on me, Jack.” Her voice is in shreds, and I know her heart still is, too, just from that sound. “You told me you loved me that morning and then you went and slept with another woman that afternoon.” She swallows hard, her eyes filling with torment. “You cheated on me and I won’t ever move past that.”
Fuck, the choices of a lifetime always come back to haunt us at some point. The choice I made six years ago has haunted me for too long and chased me down far too many dark alleys.
I keep hold of her face. “I didn’t sleep with her, baby.”
Jessica’s eyes widen slowly, and she jerks out of my hold. “What?” When I don’t respond straight away, she demands, “What do you mean you didn’t sleep with her? You said you did.”
“I never said I did.”
“Well you sure as hell never said you didn’t.”
She’s right about that. When the posts appeared on social media that I’d slept with the actress I’d just finished filming a movie with, I never denied the story.
“I let you believe it because I wanted to give you an out.”
Confusion lines her face. “An out from what?”
“From us. From Hollywood. From the bullshit you had to live with every fucking day. From me and my shit. I wanted you to have a chance at a better life, so I just let you believe the story.”
She blinks a few times and I see her try to process everything I’ve just said. “So, what, none of it was true?” She’s growing angry and I don’t blame her.
“She kissed me, and I didn’t stop her straight away. I’d had a bit to drink, and my brain was slow to catch up and put a stop to it. I fucking felt like I’d cheated on you for that, but that was the extent of it. I told her no when she said she wanted to sleep with me. When the story broke, she didn’t deny it either because it pushed her profile.”
Angry eyes stare back at me. “You broke us apart and ruined everything we had because you didn’t think I could cope with the pressures of our life? You didn’t think that maybe you should have given me a fucking choice in that decision?”
“Fuck, Jessica, shit was happening that you didn’t know about. Shit that—”
“What, Jack? What was fucking happening that I didn’t know about?”
“I’d started drinking more. A lot more, and I was keeping it from you. I knew it was a problem, yet I couldn’t stop myself and I couldn’t talk to you about it.”