“I don’t think things will be magically fixed, sweetheart.”
“Good.”
“I do think, though, that you should let me cook you dinner. I won’t eat with you. I’ll cook it and leave it in the oven.”
“Fine,” I mutter, going back to my computer. “Knock yourself out and cook me dinner. But I’m not eating your damn steak.”
I know my anger is manifesting as bitchiness, but I can’t help myself.
And it doesn’t escape me that this reveals just how deep my denial has been for six long years over how much I still love this man.
24
Jack
Josephine: I haven’t heard from you in days. How’s it going over there?
Jack: I just got back from fishing. I’m good. You?
Josephine: Why have you and I never fished? And how did I not know you like it?
Jack: I only fish when I come here. Not sure why.
Josephine: I swear I learn something new about you every month, Jack.
I read her last text again. She does learn something new about me often because although we’ve tried to have a relationship twice, and have been friends for a long time, I’ve never shared myself fully with her. The only people I’ve ever shared myself fully with are my mother, Ashton, and Jessica. Two of those people love me, the jury’s out on the third.
Speaking of, she’s coming my way with a determined glint in her eyes. “The spider man came.”
I grin at her use of ‘the spider man’. Jessica can deal with any other pest, just not spiders. “And?”
She comes to a stop in front of me, eyes blazing with that determination I saw from a distance. “And you should never use him again. He was rude and arrogant. How he’s managed to stay in business is beyond me.”
“I asked around and he was the guy everyone recommended.”
“Perhaps ask Mavis who they use. I suspect you might get a different recommendation from a woman.”
I frown. “He was rude to you because you’re a woman?”
“Yes.”
I whip out my phone to call the asshole, but Jessica places her hand on my wrist, stopping me. “Leave it, Jack. Just don’t use him again.”
I look at her hand touching me before slowly dragging my gaze back to her face. Fuck, it feels good to have her hand on me, even if it’s just for this purpose. “He’s off my list.”
She drops her hand. “Good.”
With that, she turns and walks down the hallway, disappearing into the kitchen, leaving me staring at her ass in the way I seem to be doing a lot lately. And not because I want to be staring at it, although I do, but because she’s pretty much only ever walking away from me at the moment.
I’ve no idea how long it will take her to work through her anger with me, but I’m not going anywhere. However long she needs, she’s got.
I take a shower and get dressed. I have to make a quick trip into Grafton to pick up some more reno supplies. Then, I plan on spending all afternoon in the bathroom.
Ashton calls me as I’m getting in my LandCruiser to head into town.
“What time is it there?” I ask. It has to be after midnight in London.
“Just after one thirty.”
“How’s it going?”
“Don’t ask. I suspect my trip will be extended tomorrow. How are you?”
“You haven’t spoken with Jessica today?”
“I have. That’s why I’m calling. She’s in a foul mood.”
I chuckle as I slide my sunglasses on. “I like how you connect the dots between her and me.”
“What did you do to piss her off?”
“I had a very honest conversation with her last night. One in which I told her I lied to her years ago.”
“What about?”
“I lied when I let her think I cheated on her.”
He goes quiet for a moment. “Fuck.”
“Yeah, that about covers it. You can imagine how she took that.”
“I can imagine she was in as much shock as I am now. Care to share your reason?”
I tell him the basics of what I told Jessica last night. About being overwhelmed by my career success, and about how I watched Jessica struggle with the harsh spotlight Hollywood put on her. I tell him how I felt like I was doing the right thing by her, letting her walk away to build a life that didn’t cause her to spiral into self-doubt every fucking day. I then say, “I wish I’d made different choices, Ashton, but hindsight is a great fucking thing.”
“As is maturity and the self-awareness that comes with age and figuring ourselves out,” he says. “Don’t be hard on yourself, Jack. You made what you thought was the best choice then, and you’re making this choice now. You’ve both grown and changed and learned. Who fucking knows, maybe this is just better timing for you both now.”
I’d expected a different response from him. Maybe anger, like I’m receiving from Jessica. I should have known better, though. Ashton has always had my back. Fucking always. Even when he’s grown frustrated with me and fought with me to try and get me to look after myself, he’s had my best interests at heart.
“Thank you,” I say, meaning every single breath of those two words. Fuck, I’ll never be able to say those words enough to him.
“Having said that, I’d really fucking like it if you could find a way to help her through this mood faster than she tends to work through moods.”
I laugh. “Where’s she at these days with mood length?” Jessica was well known for holding onto her moods when we were together.
“You’re looking at a few days minimum. But I imagine this one could be longer since it comes from you.”
“Yeah, that was my thought too.” I turn serious. “I think she’ll be good with you tomorrow, but I’m figuring this could take some time for her to work through with me.”
“Good luck.”
We end the call and I think about our conversation on my drive into Grafton.
When I began therapy with Constance, she told me I’ll never manage my addictions if I don’t do the work to excavate the pain I’ve been running from and numbing myself from. She uses such vague fucking language sometimes. The kind of language that I thought created a barrier to my understanding of just what the hell she was trying to say.
I thought I didn’t know what she meant because of the way she said it.
It turns out I didn’t know what she meant because I’d never experienced it.
This, being brutally honest about my experience with the world and my feelings about that experience, this is what she meant. And since I’ve never done this, I never understood just how fucking freeing it can be.
I think I’ve finally stopped running.
Jessica and I settle into a daily routine. One that involves running together each morning, going our separate ways afterwards, and coming together at the end of the day while she showers and I sit outside keeping her safe from spiders.
She gives me the look every morning at the beginning of our run that says, “If you speak to me, I will hurt you”, so I don’t utter a word. I want to. Fuck knows I have many things to say to her, but I know that for us to get through this, what she needs most from me is space, so I keep my mouth shut. The time we spend together while she showers, though, is another thing altogether. I talk my ass off during that time. The fact she allows that tells me I’m doing the exact right thing.