But of course, it wasn’t about the physical. Not between them. Not when it came to the heart of it. Their bond was a thing intimate and layered, the pleasure to be found in tangling limbs and wings just one aspect of the whole. Even as he flushed at the idea of touching Aodhan in such a way, being touched by him, his hunger a painful ache, he tried not to worry about the distance between them.
Tried not to listen to the gnawing whisper at the back of his brain that said now that Aodhan was far from him, he might look back and decide their renewed friendship and nascent brush with intimacy had been a thing of circumstance, that he didn’t actually want to reconcile after all, much less go further.
“Stop being a drama queen, Bluebell.” His mutter made Smoke complain, and he petted her back into a doze in an effort to calm himself, her fur soft under his touch, and her body delicate despite her newfound health.
It didn’t work, a quiet panic taking root at the back of his brain.
Swallowing hard, he slipped Kaia’s pendant back into a pocket.
* * *
* * *
It was as if Kai was everywhere he turned in the days that followed—or perhaps that was simply his mind zeroing in on her as he came to terms with the cataclysmic change in his perception of himself. No longer the mourning lover was he, but rather a man who saw that first love as exactly that: a soft, lovely thing to be cherished as a memory of youth.
The man he was today? That man understood Catalina’s comment about dents and bruises. That man was marked by a love far more profound, a love that had built over centuries of loyalty and friendship, sorrow and laughter, anger and devotion, a love that defined him—and it was a thing quite apart from Kaia, bold and impatient and dazzling to his young heart, or her pretty, sweet descendant.
“You’ll break more than one heart when you go,” Arzaleya said to him one day, as the two of them stood with drinks in hand at the end of a long and exhausting day—while an inquisitive Smoke poked around nearby. “I’m hearing that you’ve turned down all offers.”
“Who even has the energy for that after the days we’re putting in?” Illium kept his tone light, in no mood to share his constant state of stress where Aodhan was concerned. It didn’t matter that his best friend had stayed in frequent touch, Illium couldn’t shut up that stupid panicked voice in the back of his brain.
He didn’t even understand what was driving the asshole thing.
Arzaleya’s low and earthy laughter broke into his cycling thoughts. “Isn’t that the truth? I, for one, have no desire to tangle wings with anyone.” Rubbing the back of her neck, she said, “I respected Aodhan always, but I’m now in awe of him.”
She resettled her wings, the fading sunset picking out the ruby and scarlet tones of the filaments that made up her feathers. “To step into the role he did, at the time he did, with China in the state it was . . .” She blew out a breath. “I don’t know how he did it. It’s just dawning on me, the task I’ve taken on—and that’s after Aodhan did all the groundwork.”
This was a conversation for which Illium had plenty of time.
They spoke about the jobs on Arzaleya’s plate, and of the future of the territory, were joined at some point by Yindi, Xan, and others. Illium stayed for a while, enjoying the company. But tiredness got to him at last. “It’s bed for me. Good night.” He hadn’t slept the previous night, having taken a security shift.
The others shouted out good night, and he headed off after picking up Smoke’s sleeping body. When he heard whispered giggling halfway through his journey, he glanced to the right just in time to see Kai running off with her hand in that of the mortal who loved her.
Again, he waited for the blow of pain. Again, it didn’t come.
All he felt was a warm affection for the descendant of the woman he’d loved as a young man just finding his wings. There was no envy or jealousy in him, nothing but the heart’s ache that comes with memories of times long past.
Looking up at the diamond-studded sky, he took a deep breath. No more clinging to the past because he was panicked about the future. No using a faded ghost as a talisman against the unknown to come. To make his love for Kaia into nothing but a habit of comfort, that would devalue them both.
Going to the tent he’d put up when the snow began to build on the ground, he placed Smoke on his bedroll, where she’d be comforted by his scent. Then, though he was exhausted, he flew far enough out to sea that the waters were deep and the waves wouldn’t wash anything back to shore.
The pendant was flat and small and thin on his palm when he pulled it out of his pocket. Hovering above the night-touched ocean, he lifted it to his mouth, pressed a gentle kiss on it. “Good-bye, Kaia. It was my joy to have known and loved you.”
Despite everything, he would never be sorry for having loved her, for she was part of the tapestry of his life, one thread weaving into the next. He wouldn’t be who he was today without her, and her memory would stay with him into eternity, a treasured part of his history.
But their time had passed lifetimes ago.
Heart at peace, he opened his hand and allowed the charm to float gently into the arms of the endless ocean.
52
Though he’d come to peace with his memory of Kaia, Illium remained edgy about Aodhan in the days that followed. He hated that they were so far apart when they’d just found their way back to each other. He’d had a nightmare the previous night that Aodhan would use the time apart to convince himself that he had to break the bonds of their relationship to find freedom.
What the fuck was wrong with him?
Aggravated with his own misbehaving subconscious, he slammed a beam into place, went to pick up one more. Suyin had asked him to track down some supplies, but he needed the physical outlet right now; he’d do the computer work once he’d burned off the tumult in his body and mind.
When Arzaleya waved him down from the sky, he thought about pretending he hadn’t seen her, but it wasn’t the general’s fault he was feeling pissy. He landed. “Yeah?” He shoved back the snow-damp strands of his hair at the same time, remembering how Aodhan had told him he needed a haircut.
“Package for you.” The other angel handed it over. “I saw it coming in and knew you wouldn’t be back to your tent till nightfall. Figured you might want to see it earlier. You should probably take a break anyway.”
Arzaleya raised an eyebrow. “You’re wearing out the crew with how fast you’re moving, and how much material you can shift on your own. Give them a breather or I’ll be dealing with a revolt.”
Illium scowled, but he didn’t argue. Fact was, he liked getting packages, and he was curious about who’d sent this and what was inside. If he had to guess the identity of the sender, he’d say Ellie or his mother. “I might grab something to eat.”