I let out a long breath. “I’ve been better.”
She nodded. “I can’t imagine this situation is getting any easier for you.”
I turned back around and looked at them for a bit. “Look how happy Alex seems, to have his dad by his side. I can’t compete with that. I’ll never be able to.” Looking down at my shoes, I admitted, “Tanner fucking saw me hugging her earlier.”
My mother’s eyes widened. “You think he suspects it was more than platonic?”
“No.” I shook my head. “That’s the thing. I don’t think he’d ever imagine I’m capable of something like that. He thinks I’ve been a good, stand-up guy looking after them while he was away, and maybe Presley and I got closer because of that. It probably looked like I was just comforting her—at least, I hope. But it was still unnerving.”
“This whole thing is unnerving.” She sighed. “You’re leaving soon. I’m sure you don’t feel ready.”
“Not in the least.”
My mother gestured toward the exit. “Let’s go for a walk. I want to tell you something I’ve never told you before.”
That sparked my curiosity. I fell into step alongside her. “What’s up?”
“It’s actually about your father. Something you don’t know.”
“I don’t know if I like where this is going.”
She exhaled as we exited the automatic doors. “By the time he and I separated, both of you boys were out of the house, so you missed some things that happened—well, one particular thing I never wanted you to know about.”
My pulse sped up. “What do you mean?”
“I mean the exact circumstances surrounding the end of your father’s and my relationship.”
“Okay…”
“He and I apparently had different ideas about what the separation meant for us. When we first agreed to it, I was under the impression that even though we were no longer living together, we would remain faithful to each other.” She paused. “But your father met someone during that time.”
I nodded silently. My stomach felt sick to think about my father with any other woman. Though I’d assumed he dated after their divorce, I’d always tried to block it out of my mind.
“I’d thought the separation was temporary, that we would somehow find our way back to one another,” my mom continued. “I figured we just needed some time away to repair things and hoped the end goal would be a stronger marriage. Your father took the separation as a ticket to entertain his midlife crisis.”
“Shit,” I muttered as I began to wonder what my mother’s point was in telling me all of this now.
“Anyway…” she said. “I couldn’t get past it. He dated this woman for a while, and then when things ended between them, he tried to mend things with me. He kept using the excuse that we were separated at the time. But I couldn’t get past what I saw as a betrayal. So, I told him not only did I want to remain separated, but I wanted a divorce.”
The situation she’d described was far from the way I’d imagined my parents’ marriage ending. I’d always thought it was a mutual decision that hadn’t involved other people—they’d just grown apart.
“So you never really wanted a divorce…” I said. “If he hadn’t been with someone else, you would’ve tried to work things out?”
“I loved your father. But I was just…so deeply hurt.”
Damn. This was all news to me. “Wow, Mom.”
She stopped walking for a moment and faced me. “After fighting me on it for some time, he finally gave in to my wishes for a divorce. But the truth was, neither of us truly fell out of love with the other.”
A memory of my parents kissing in our kitchen when I was a kid flashed through my mind. I always thought it was gross and ran out of the room. But knowing they were still in love after all that time gave me some comfort.
“This sort of gives me some solace,” I said. “Even though it’s bittersweet.”
She flashed a sad smile. “When Dad was dying, he told me his biggest regret was ever straying from me. I did believe he regretted entering into a relationship with that woman. Even though I’d been firm in my decision not to take him back, he felt like he hadn’t fought hard enough for us—that he could’ve done more to stop the divorce. Our dream had always been to retire and ride off into the sunset together. Our actual ending was certainly nothing either of us anticipated.”
“It breaks my heart that you guys couldn’t do that.”
Mom’s eyes glistened. “It breaks my heart too—that your father died with so much regret and that I played a role in that. If I’d known he was going to get sick and die of cancer a year later, I might’ve been more forgiving. You think you have endless time to work certain things out in life, but time is one thing that’s never guaranteed.”
I still wasn’t sure why she’d chosen to tell me all of this. “Something tells me you’re making a bigger point here than confessing the truth about you and Dad.”
“What happened with Dad and me reminds me a lot of what’s going on with Tanner and Presley. Your brother made some poor decisions, and now he’s trying to rectify them. He has a chance to do something Dad never could.”
Shit. Of course that’s what she was getting at—more evidence supporting the fact that I was the bad guy in all of this, preventing my brother from getting his family back. I knew letting him try was the right thing to do. That was never in question. It was the feeling that I physically couldn’t stay away from Presley that made doing the right thing seem impossible.
“I’m not minimizing the feelings you’ve developed for Presley,” my mother said. “But I think you need to look at the bigger picture here. Your career is not going to allow for a sustainable relationship with her anyway. And Tanner doesn’t look like he’s going to give up on getting his family back anytime soon—what with going for that coaching job here and all. But you also have to think about Presley, about the regret she may feel when this honeymoon phase between you and her is over. You two had a summer together. Tanner and she have years of history—and a child.”
Yeah, Mother. Tell me something I don’t already know.
She placed her hand on my arm. “I know you probably feel like I’m not on your side in this. Please don’t feel that way. I feel like what’s best for them is also what’s best for you. Dad’s story of regret should serve as a lesson on how you may feel someday when it comes to your brother. Moving in now that you know he’s trying to make things right would be a tremendous betrayal, Levi. I keep waffling on whether or not you should even tell him. I’m starting to think it’s best if he never finds out. But the longer you’re around Presley, the more likely it is that he will. I feel like you’re on the cusp of doing irreversible damage, and now is your only chance to stop before it’s too late.”
My chest hurt so badly, filled with emotion, thinking about my dad and brother. But what Mom just told me about my father pushed me over the edge. My stepping away would give Tanner the second chance Dad never had. I also believed my father would have given me the same advice as my mother. Was loving Presley worth hurting my entire family? Regardless of that answer, I knew I would be unable to resist her as long as we were physically together. The only thing that would end this was distance.