“I just finished up,” I said without making eye contact, in case he felt the need to leave first.
“No, it’s okay. I’m just…” He pointed to the coffee machine, which was a little strange since usually Julie took care of things like that for him, but also he was exactly the kind of guy who would get it himself if she was busy or even offer to get some for her.
But he didn’t walk toward the coffee machine. He stood in the center of the room and looked at the display I’d just put up.
“This the Scott’s-a-god wall?”
I bit back a laugh and almost choked on it because oh-my-God-Brett-was-making-small-talk-with-me, and I could hardly breathe. But also, I really had to get out of there, so I gave him a quick, “You said it, not me,” and then headed toward the door.
I didn’t make it out before he exclaimed, “Hold on.”
I froze, my hand on the door, too nervous to turn around.
Then after a beat passed and he didn’t say anything more, I was too nervous not to turn around. When I did, I found his eyes skimming quickly over one of my memories then jumping to another one.
“These are all about me,” he said, and I decided it was awe in his voice, but quite frankly, it might have been confusion.
“Well, not all of them.”
He pivoted to look at me. “The ones you wrote.”
Even though they were all anonymous, there wasn’t any way he wouldn’t have guessed the memories I’d typed up were written by me and that they were about him instead of Scott. They were very specific.
The time we planned Nolan and Avery’s first anniversary party.
The time he rode the train out to Harlem to pick me up from a date gone bad.
The time he flew me to Portugal for my birthday.
The time we braved the cold and the crowd to see the New Year’s ball drop and then ended up back at his apartment watching it on TV before ten.
The time he sat holding my hand in the hospital waiting room when Finch had the cord wrapped twice around his neck and Avery had to have an emergency C-section.
The time he took me to a kennel to cheer me up by petting dogs.
The time he convinced me to sing karaoke with him at the holiday party.
“I couldn’t pick one favorite,” I said. “And the ones I included barely scratch the surface.”
He studied me. “These were supposed to be about—”
“I know,” I interrupted. While I hadn’t thought it would go down like this, I had been prepared to explain myself. “But, see, he doesn’t matter to me. Not really. Not the way you do. He never did, and I know that it doesn’t seem like that, but the truth is that you were the one who was always the Greater Sebastian, as far as I was concerned. You were the one I put on the pedestal. You were the one too good for me to try and reach. I didn’t deserve you.”
He blew out a frustrated sigh. “Eden, I never—”
“I know you didn’t. You have never made me feel like I was beneath you. That was me, all on my own. That’s the Eden Waters you met ten years ago—low on self-esteem and prone to pairing herself with men who treated her badly because that’s what she thought she deserved. And even though I knew you might like me more than a friend, I couldn’t ever believe that you could be the man for me because I knew that I could never be the woman for you.
“Except, little by little over the years, that started to change. You changed that. You changed me. You told me over and over that I was worth something. That I was worth more than I’d ever imagined. And eventually, I guess I started to believe it.”
“Because you—”
“Let me finish, okay?”
With reluctance, he closed his mouth and nodded.
I shifted my stuff to my side and cocked my hip. “You wanted to know why now? That’s the why now. You convinced me I was worth you. And yes, Tess showing up and you saying you liked her was a motivator, because while this change has happened over years, I think I’ve been ready to believe you for a while now. Ready to let myself love you. I just needed a little push.”
He took a deep breath, looked from me to the wall, then back at me again. “I don’t know what to say.”
In my dream version of how this would turn out, he would have immediately swept me into his arms and declared we were meant to be and followed it up by bending me over the break room counter. So admittedly, his hesitance was a little disappointing.
But it was also what I’d expected. “You don’t need to say anything, Brett. You’ve said a lot already over the years. It’s my turn to convince you what you are to me. You are not my second choice. You are my favorite person in the world, and I know it will take time for you to trust that, and that’s okay. It’s my turn to wait. I can wait.”
Maybe I was trying to convince myself as much as him, but I did honestly mean it. I would wait. However long it took.
And because I did mean it, I resisted the urge to stay, silently begging for some form of encouragement, and forced myself to turn around and leave.
Chapter Fourteen
“I don’t care if cheugy is a word used on TikTok. You cannot use it in a Scrabble game.”
I agreed with Avery, but her seriousness about the issue had me working hard to suppress a laugh. A quick glance at Nolan said his challenge was mostly meant to wind her up, and it was working.
“I really don’t think that’s right,” he protested. “The rules say the word has to be in the dictionary. Does it specify which dictionary? Urban dictionary should count.”
“Urban dictionary should not count!” she practically screamed, her eyes wide, her face red and puffed. Remembering the baby asleep in the next room, she lowered her volume but kept the intensity. “Anyone could make up a word and add it as an entry, and then where would we be? In chaos! That’s where.”
I gave up on my attempt not to laugh.
Nolan remained straight-faced. “But does it say that in the official rules?”
“Yes!” She typed furiously on her phone.
“She probably doesn’t even want to challenge me. She just wanted an opportunity to look up her own word. Now who’s the cheater?” He said it to me, but it was obvious he was trying to get a rise.
“I’m the cheater? I’m the cheater?” Avery jumped from the couch and across the coffee table, almost knocking down the Scrabble board to show her screen to her husband. “Merriam-Webster is the official dictionary of the game. See that? Right there.” She quickly typed something new into the phone then turned the screen back to him. “See what comes up when I type in cheugy? ‘The word you have entered is not in the dictionary.’ Which means you can’t play it on the board.”
“Oh. Okay. Wait, I didn’t mean cheugy. I meant chewy.” He changed the u and the g out for a w. “There. Twenty-six points.”
“You can’t take your turn after you’ve been challenged!” Avery went into another tirade about the rules of a challenge.
Nolan finally cracked a smile. “She just gets so serious about it,” he said to me. “I can’t help myself.”
“Why would we play a game if we weren’t going to take it seriously?” But then Avery started to laugh as well. “I guess I do get kind of spirited.”