She stroked my hair and rested her head on the top of mine. “You understand why he feels like that, don’t you?”
I resisted the urge to accuse her of being condescending. Avery had practically been my mother after ours had left, and while I preferred not to fall back into those roles, I knew deep down this was where that was coming from. She was trying to help, and so I let her. “I do now. He feels like he must be second choice because he’s been there all along, and I never tried to get with him.”
I sat up and turned so I could face her. “But the thing is: I never considered him an option.”
She tilted her head, and I could tell she was looking for the nicest way to say whatever she was thinking.
“Just say it. Whatever it is, it can’t hurt more than what Brett said.” Might as well see how low I could feel.
She didn’t hesitate. “I just don’t understand how he wasn’t an option. You knew he liked you—you’ve said several times you thought he did, so that can’t be the thing that was stopping you. Were you not interested?”
“No, I was interested. Who wouldn’t be? But it’s like…” I paused to think of the best way to frame it. “It’s like the ‘pass’ list you have with Nolan. You know, the list you guys have where if you ever meet Michael Fassbender, you get to bang him, and it’s cool, and if he ever meets Shanina Shaik, he gets to bang her, and it’s cool? You both know it’s all in fun because even if you met your pass person, you know they’d never actually bang you.”
“Uh, sure, Shanina is never banging Nolan, but I’d like to think I’d have a real good chance at Fassbender.”
I leveled my stare. “He’s married. With a baby.”
Avery shrugged. “So am I. We all have our flaws.”
“Point is,” I went on as though she hadn’t interrupted, “they’re on another tier. Out of reach.”
“How is Brett out of reach?”
“He just is.” That she didn’t understand was frustrating. “He’s rich. Successful. Sexy as fuck. Monster cock.”
“I didn’t need to hear that. But also, fuck yeah for you!”
A reluctant smile slipped to my lips. “And he’s a really good person on top of all that. Guys like him and Nolan deserve the right kind of woman. I’m not the right kind of woman. That’s why I always tend to go after the bad boys. The boys who treat me wrong. That’s who’s meant for me.”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.” She pivoted her knees toward me. “There’s a lot of bullshit to sort through here, and I’m not sure where to start. Okay, I’ll start with this: Are you implying Nolan is also an out of reach kind of guy? Because first of all, I love him, but that man is not perfect, and second of all, he’s married to me.”
“Right. And you’re the right kind of woman.” I’d never actually told her that to her face, and I instantly felt awkward.
“That’s the next part of the bullshit then—what the hell are you talking about? Me, the ‘right kind of woman.’ What does that even mean?”
“Well—” I couldn’t quite meet her eyes. “You’re just...you’re good at everything. Perfect mother. Perfect wife. Perfect house. It’s like everything you touch is gold. It’s actually very impressive. And also quite maddening.”
“Eden.” She stared at me in awe. “I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say. No, actually I do—”
“Because you always know what to say,” I pointed out.
“No, no, no. I don’t. And what you’re talking about, all the perfects you listed? That’s façade. That’s all the stuff I project to the world because I’m so deeply afraid someone will find out what a hot mess I am.”
“You are not a—”
“Because I hide it, but I truly am. I’m jealous and bitter and petty. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. My peers were all able to have babies and keep working. I can’t manage just the baby without a meltdown at least twice a day. I’m a terrible mom. I’m losing my hair.” She tugged at a lock, as if she’d pull and a bunch would fall out. It didn’t. “I gained twice what my doctor said I should when I was pregnant, and have only lost a quarter of it. I failed at breastfeeding—I said Finch wouldn’t latch on, but it was me who couldn’t figure it out. Nolan sleeps on the couch half the time because I throw a fit for no reason and send him out there and then feel lonely and depressed all night but too proud to go after him. The condominium board? I anonymously bullied Cassandra Sanchez on Next Door so she’d step down because I envied the attention she got, and then ran in her place. I secretly order half our meals from a catering place. I ate a whole pint of ice cream last night by myself in my bedroom. And apparently, I make my little sister feel like crap because she believes all the lies I surround myself with. Eden, I am very, very flawed.”
My mouth sat open while I processed everything she said. I hadn’t been expecting a confession, and honestly, some of it made me mad. She’d let me believe she was a superwoman all this time, not caring how it would affect me?
Then I laughed. “You order our meals from catering? And Nolan doesn’t know?”
“No one knows. Except Mrs. Wenchel because they went to the wrong door one time. I order it early enough in the day, while you and Nolan are at work, and then put it in the oven so you think I made it all.”
“That’s why you’re able to keep the kitchen clean while you cook.”
“Because I don’t mess anything up.” She smiled weakly.
When I smiled back, hers grew to a laugh. Then we were both laughing.
Laughing until I punched her arm, and not all that lightly. “Ow!” she yelped, her laughter ending abruptly.
“You made me think you were perfect.”
“I didn’t make you think anything. And anyway, it shouldn’t matter whether I am or not. You can’t compare yourself to someone else.”
“Oh my God, talk about the pot and the kettle.”
She giggled. “I told you—I’m a mess.”
I had the sudden urge to hug her, so I did. “What is wrong with us?”
“The patriarchy,” she said, hugging me back as tightly as I was hugging her. “And no female role model in the house. Really, there’s lots of reasons why the cards are stacked against us.” She pulled away and gripped my shoulders so I’d be forced to look at her. “But that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve good things. I deserve Nolan. We’re good for each other. And you’re good for Brett. He loves you, and if you love him back, you deserve to have him.”
I lost the war against my emotions, and my eyes watered. “It means a lot. Hearing you say that. It probably shouldn’t, but it does.”
“It shouldn’t matter what I think, but I’m glad it helps.” Her eyes were watering too. “We really need to learn to be happy with ourselves. Without anyone telling us.”
“I know. But the confidence of others sure helps.” I cleared my throat. “Actually, I think this is a lesson I’ve been learning for a while. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but I think the reason I finally let something happen with Brett was because I’ve been changing, and I do think I deserve him.” Saying it out loud felt uncomfortably bold. “Sort of.”