They pulled away, and they were both breathing hard.
“Jake...”
“Get in the truck,” he said.
“But I drove,” she said.
“Oh, I know. We’ll sort that out tomorrow. But right now, you’re coming with me.”
“I don’t think—”
“I don’t want to know what you think. This was stupid. Now get in the truck.”
“Fine,” she said.
She got into his truck, and he didn’t speak again until they started driving.
“Were you trying to punish me?”
“You’re giving me too much credit. I wasn’t trying to punish you. I was trying to prove to myself that I could kiss someone else and enjoy it.”
“And?”
“I didn’t kiss him.”
“Because I came in?”
“Maybe.” She let out a long breath. “No. I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I just wasn’t. I tried. But I... I don’t want him.”
“Good,” he said.
“Jake...” She reached across the space and put her hand on his forearm.
He made a sound, halfway between a breath and a tortured growl. “Be careful.”
“I don’t want to be careful. That’s the problem. I squished myself into a box for my whole life. And there’s a reason that you’re the person I came to when I was ready to be free. There’s a reason that it’s you. And there’s a reason that this is you, too.”
“Because you—”
“Don’t say because you’re the first man I kissed, because that was the point of coming out tonight. To prove that wasn’t why. But it is. I trust you, Jake. If I didn’t trust you I wouldn’t have come to you with all of this. You taught me how to ride. You taught me how to be a cowgirl. Really. Can you teach me this, too?”
“You want me to teach you to be a buckle bunny?”
He asked the question in a scathing tone. Unkind. But she didn’t flinch. Because that was what he wanted her to do.
“If that’s what you need to tell yourself, sure. But you’re the one who said that I couldn’t handle it, so why are you acting like you’re the one with the issue?”
“I already told you. For me these are two separate things. They don’t cross. They don’t meet. Feelings, sex. Not the same.”
“Okay. How do you know it won’t be that way for me?”
“Because it won’t be. It just won’t be, Cal. You’re not like that.”
“How do you know?”
“I know your family is difficult. But you have them. They’re just... There were things in my life that broke apart certain bridges inside me. That’s the only way I can describe it. Things inside people that connect up, they just don’t for me. Now, on the other hand, I’ve lost enough. The relationships I do have are very important to me. I can have sex with anyone, but I can’t have what I have with you with anyone else.”
“Oh.” It was difficult to be mad about that, because it was a nice thing to say. Except... She still felt hurt by it.
Because it still made her feel like there was something about her that wasn’t quite right. And it made her sorry for him.
“I just need you to trust me,” she said.
“It’s not you I don’t trust. Well, I guess it is. But I don’t think you’re lying to me. I think you just don’t know.”
“That’s what everyone thinks,” she said. “That I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. That I don’t know what I want. Everybody thinks that I’m not as smart as they are. And everybody wants to keep me from having all the life experiences that they have. What’s the worst that could happen, Jake?”
Right then, they pulled up to the cabin again. He turned the engine off, and the sound of the heat popping against the hood was the only thing that remained.
“I could hurt you. That’s about the worst thing I can think of. Even if you could put on a brave face, even if you... I could hurt you, Cal. And that’s not acceptable to me.”
“News flash, Jake. I’m hurt already. I’m hurt because I want to be something to my parents that I’m not. I’m hurt because trying to be...what I want hurt them and they’ve been hurt enough already. I don’t know how to get what I want, while keeping them from... I don’t know. I’m hurt because I want you and I’m basically having to beg you over it. Because we’re friends, but this thing that I instigated between us pushed us into a weird zone and I don’t know how to get us back into a better space. There’s just going to be hurt. It’s life. It’s like the bucking bronco. I got bucked off, and I broke my arm. But it healed. I’m going to have to do this sometime, with someone.” She turned to face him. Stared him down, even while he refused to look at her. “Wouldn’t you rather it was you? Wouldn’t you rather that you were the one that was there? Making sure that everything was okay?”
She could feel it. She could feel all the tension inside of him snap. She could feel him give in.
“Dammit.”
“Jake...”
“Inside.”
She didn’t need to be asked twice. She hightailed it out of the truck and scurried into the house. She heard his heavy footsteps behind her, and stopped. Then strong, firm hands were on her shoulders, and she was turned to face him. He looked down at her, something in his eyes that she couldn’t read. But he wasn’t angry.
“I don’t know what that’s like,” she said.
“What?”
“Kissing you when you’re not angry.”
He closed his eyes, and groaned. Then he cupped her face with rough hands, and kissed her. It was gentler than all the other kisses they’d shared. Softer. But no less devastating. He tasted her slowly, deepening the contact with each firm press of his mouth against hers. Then he parted her lips, his tongue sliding between them, and she trembled. Trembled as the slick friction worked its way through her body. As it turned her one-quarter liquid, and made it so she could scarcely breathe.
She clung to him. She had never held on to anyone like this. She had never felt quite so dependent on another human being. Like if she didn’t have him right there she would just melt into a puddle on the floor.
When they parted, she was breathing hard. And that giddiness was back. That rush of adrenaline she felt out on the street in town.
“We’re really doing this, right?”