“Why?” She turned over onto her back and started to rub her eyes. But his focus was stolen completely by the sight of her bare breasts. She looked at him, bemused. “What?”
“I can’t remember. I’m distracted,” he said. “You’re hot.”
She locked her brows together, her mouth stretched into a flat line. “I am?”
“Callie,” he said. “I’ve wanted you for a long time.”
“You’ve...wanted me?” She sounded genuinely confused.
“Yeah,” he said. “But I knew there was no point to it. I had to keep my hands to myself. At least, that’s what I told myself.”
“Why?”
“We’ve been over this.”
“Right. Feelings and sex and friendship, and none of it shall meet.”
Which was one reason he was being so careful now. Callie was his friend. Bottom line. This was the only woman he’d ever cared about that he wasn’t related to, and that mattered. So this...this couldn’t go past tonight. “That’s how it has to be.”
“Yeah,” she said, a slight note of wonder in her voice.
“What are you thinking, sweetheart?”
She frowned. “You never call me that.”
“Yeah, don’t worry, though. I never ask women what they’re thinking, either. So it’s not like I’m using a generic line.”
It was true. He never asked. Because usually it was just over by now. Orgasms and done. That was what sex was to him. Physical. Not emotional. But Callie was still Callie. She hadn’t transformed into a stranger just because she’d taken her clothes off. And it was... It was a hell of a thing. To actually know the woman he was lying beside. To know the woman that he was naked with. And to care. Really, deeply care. That she was taken care of. That she felt good about what had happened. That she felt safe and protected, and confident.
It was a weight, a responsibility, he couldn’t carry long term.
“I’m thinking... I don’t know how this is my life. I don’t know how three weeks ago I asked you to marry me, and now we’re married, and in bed together. I don’t know a whole lot of anything actually.”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Life is weird.”
“To say the least.”
“You still want the same things, right?”
“Yes,” she said. “But I need to figure out what it means to want for me. I’ve been so... Obsessed with having all this stuff to make my parents understand me, or see that what I do matters. But this wasn’t for anyone but me.” She put her hand on his chest, her expression adorably filled with awe. “This was just for me.” Then she looked up at him again, this time a hint of fear on her face. “Jake, please tell me that we’ll be friends after this.”
“I told you,” he said. “That was my worry.”
“I care about you,” she said. “About what we have. So much. You’re the most important person in my life. You’ve been there for me... Through everything. And this is another way you’ve been there for me. I just don’t want to lose you because of this.”
“I told you. You’re not going to lose me. I promised.”
“Pinky swear,” she said.
A bubble of humor erupted in his chest. He stuck his hand out, and extended his pinky. “Pinky swear.”
Her expression was serious, grave, as she locked her pinky with his. Then he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her up against him, crushing her breasts to his chest. “I have never pinky swore a woman anything. Much less naked in bed.”
He kissed her then, because how could he not. He’d wanted to kiss her for so long. And he let this be about her. He let it be about teaching her things and taking care of her, and the knowledge that she would go out and find another man if he didn’t damn well do the thing. And he couldn’t stand that, that much he knew. Seeing her with that guy tonight...
He’d been full of murder. And that was damn telling. Because he told himself all this time it was just that he thought she was sexy, and he thought a lot of women were sexy.
He also didn’t care if they kissed other men.
But if Callie—his Callie—had kissed that fool at the bar, he couldn’t have been held responsible for what happened to the poor son of a bitch.
“Better cool it,” he said. “Two times in one night is not going to work for you.”
She frowned. “Don’t tell me what I want. You know I don’t like it.”
“I know you don’t,” he said, kissing her again. Just for him. Just because he wanted to. And he enjoyed that kiss. He enjoyed it a hell of a lot.
“Then why are you?”
“Just trust me, Cal.”
“So...we get to do it again?”
He hesitated. He was... He needed to get his head on straight because this was something he’d told himself he’d never do.
Ever.
“Don’t worry about it. Sleep.”
She fitted her body against his, and he held on to her tightly. And a strange sensation bloomed in his chest. But he pushed it away. He focused instead on how soft she was. On the curves of her ass against his dick, because that was something he was familiar with. It might be more intense than what he was typically accustomed to, but he knew sexual arousal. He knew sexual desire. Because it was safer than acknowledging anything else.
Jake wasn’t a man given to deep thought, and he wasn’t going to start now.
The most important thing was their friendship. In the end, that was the thing that mattered.
He was a man who rode bulls for a living, but the thing about that was, there was a time limit. The time it would end. And that was why the danger was acceptable. Because it was fleeting.
This wasn’t any different.
He waited until her breathing was even, and then he pulled himself out of her arms, and put a pair of jeans on. He didn’t want to sleep. He’d never slept with another person.
He wandered out into the living room, discomfort settling over his skin.
He’d made love with Callie.
Cal.
Regret rolled over him in a wave. Now that she was sleeping and he had distance from the pleasure, he was clearheaded enough to know it was wrong. That it couldn’t happen again.
Because things were too messy between the two of them.
He sat down on the edge of the couch and closed his eyes, doing his best to banish images of what had just happened.