Jesus. With my skin on fire and my heart pounding in my chest, I bolt out the room . . .
But not fast enough to miss hearing Amy shout after me, “Thank you so much, Colin! You’re such an amazing . . . friend.”
Fourteen
Amy
When Colin and I enter Dax and Violet’s expansive living room, we’re greeted by Dax and Fish. When we venture farther into the spacious room, we discover Violet and Alessandra sitting on a couch, engaged in a FaceTime call, while Dax and Violet’s tow-headed toddler, Jackson, sits on his beautiful mommy’s lap.
When Violet sees Colin and me, she enthusiastically calls to Colin to come join the call. “It’s Keane and Maddy!” she says excitedly. “Maddy’s two days past due and about to pop!”
Colin heads over to Violet and Alessandra on the couch, while I hang back with Fish and Dax in a corner bar area. But after a moment, Violet calls to me.
“Amy, come meet Dax’s brother and his wife! I told them all about the wedding last weekend and they want to meet you!”
“Oh, great.”
I begin walking toward Violet, feeling wracked by nerves and excitement. I can’t believe I’m about to come face to face—albeit on video chat—with Ball Peen Hammer! A guy who’s explained The Sure Thing to me, in explicit detail, at least five times, and then made me laugh endlessly after I fell down the “Ball Peen Hammer” rabbit hole this past week by devouring every single video in his YouTube series, and then binge-watching both seasons of his slick dramedy on Netflix, too.
From what I’ve gathered, Keane and his wife, Maddy—whom Keane calls “Maddy Behind the Camera” in all his Ball Peen Hammer videos—rarely add new content to their years-long web series nowadays. But that didn’t keep me from feeling like I knew the couple, inside and out, by the time I reached their most recent video.
As much as I loved all the Ball Peen Hammer videos, I loved watching Keane Morgan even more as an actor in his scripted show. Perhaps because I’d watched all his silly videos prior to watching his show, I felt particularly connected to his character, above all others, even though he’s only a side character.
Fidgeting with excitement, I sit down next to Colin, who’s already laughing easily with Keane and Maddy on Violet’s phone. And there he is. Keane Morgan. Blonde these days, like on his Netflix show, and looking even more handsome on his couch next to his wife than he does under professional lighting.
“Guys, this is my friend, Amy,” Colin says, as I get settled next to him. “We grew up together.”
“Hi!” I chirp, while waving like a dope.
“Remember my buddy, Logan, who lived next door to me?” Colin says to Keane. “He came with me to your garage a bunch of times to watch our rehearsals and smoke weed with us.”
“Oh, yeah,” Keane says. “Cool guy.”
“Amy’s his little sister. She might have tagged along with Logan to watch us rehearse, a time or two. Not too many, probably, since that would have meant we couldn’t smoke weed.”
“Oh, sorry about that,” I say. “I had no idea. Whoops. Yeah, I definitely came with Logan a time or two, I think.” Actually, I came to Dax’s garage to watch Colin’s band rehearsing exactly four times over the years. But who’s counting?
“Oh, yeah!” Keane says brightly. “I remember you! Little Orphan Amy!”
Maddy laughs. “Take it as a compliment he’s given you a nickname, Amy. Keane never does that with anyone he doesn’t like.”
Keane laughs. “True. You were hilarious, as I recall. I remember you cracking everyone up.”
“Not intentionally, I’m sure,” I reply. “And from what Colin said, I think my ‘hilarity’ might have been mostly because you were stoned.”
Keane chuckles. “And she’s still got it! Ha! I remember you had a big ol’ mop of curly hair back then and you always seemed like you were playing to the crowd in the back row of a huge Broadway theatre.” He winks. “Hence, the nickname.”
I can’t help laughing. “That’s the perfect description of me as a kid.”
“And look at you now,” Keane says. “You’ve got the red hair to make my nickname a premonition.”
“So sorry, Amy,” Maddy says, but she’s clearly loving her husband’s sense of humor.
“No worries,” I say. “Considering what a little weirdo I was as a kid, I think I got off easy with that nickname.”
“You were a cute little weirdo,” Keane says, and warmth spreads into my core. I knew I liked this man, after watching him online for hours and hours. But just this fast, I know I absolutely adore him.
Colin and Fish get up to grab drinks, and Dax engages Keane and Maddy in a conversation about some upcoming trip to Seattle. So, while all that’s happening, Violet, scoots closer to me, pulling her son, Jackson, who’s still sitting on her lap, along with her.
“I love your new do, Amy!” Violet says. “You have the perfect coloring to pull off red hair!”
“I was just about to say the same thing,” Alessandra interjects, sitting on my other side.
“Thank you so much. I’m so happy to see you both. I had such a great time with you last weekend.”
“So did we.” Violet cranes her neck to address the little boy in her lap. “Jackson, this is Auntie Amy. Say hello.”
“Hello, Auntie Amy.”
Oh, my heart. Without hesitation, I launch into conversation with the kid about his cool light-up shoes. But when the FaceTime call ends and Fish takes a seat—an armchair—Jackson abruptly stops talking to me, slides off his mommy’s lap, and beelines over to his Uncle Fish’s lap.
“Don’t be offended he dropped you like a hot potato the minute Fish’s lap became available,” Violet says, laughing. “Jackson’s been obsessed with his ‘Unkie Fish’ since day one. When Jackson toured with the Goats as a baby, Fish was the only one who could get him to fall asleep for two solid months.”
“Aw, that’s so cute.”
“I think I’m going to grab a bite in the kitchen,” Violet says, standing up. “You ladies want to come, too?”
“Yeah, sounds great,” I say, as Alessandra says the same.
And off we go.
In the kitchen, I grab a plate and begin loading it with appetizers, but before I’ve completed my task, both Violet and Ally lean over the island counter and energetically ask me what’s going on with Colin.
“Are you two on a date tonight?” Violet asks, her blue eyes sparkling.
“No, we’re just friends,” I reply, my tone conveying my disappointment. “I’m his plus-one tonight.” When both women frown, I add, “It’s okay. Colin’s not interested in anything more than that, so . . . Such is life.” I smile. “So, hey, ladies . . .” I put down my plate and lean over the island opposite them, my energy matching theirs. “Feel free not to answer this question, if it’s too personal, but . . . are either of you familiar with a sexual technique called The Sure Thing? Keane has a ‘Ball Peen Hammer’ video about it, in which he says the technique gives woman ‘honey bunches of O’s’ in a short period of time.”