“A work thing?” He raised both eyebrows. “On a Sunday? That seems a bit odd in your profession.”
“Really, it’s nothing. You have my undivided attention.” He most definitely did not. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so distracted.
Dr. Clark put his notebook and pen down. “It’s not about giving me your undivided attention. It’s about you wanting to be here. It’s about showing up for yourself, James. Putting yourself first for once in your life.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. Lay it on me, Doc. I’m…present.” I figured he’d like the meditation term.
“Great.” He picked his notepad back up. “Let’s move on then. How are the breathing exercises going that I gave you?”
I only really used them when my mind wandered to Penny. I was hoping that if I could focus on breathing maybe I could unfocus my mind on her. But it wasn’t working. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Reminding myself to breathe around her did at least stop me from grabbing her and kissing her though. So it was probably working better than I realized. “It’s easier when I run.”
“It is easier with exercise. Speaking of which, how is the yoga going?”
I laughed. “I’m not doing yoga.”
He wrote something down in his notebook and I frowned.
I hated when he wrote stuff down. I pressed my lips together so I wouldn’t say anything else notebook worthy.
“How do you know you don’t like yoga if you won’t even try it?”
I had tried it. I’d tuned into a workout channel on TV and given it five whole minutes before I decided it wasn’t for me. Everything was just so slow. If I did that for an hour I’d be bored out of my mind. But Dr. Clark wouldn’t view five minutes as trying. I shrugged. “I have tried it. And I prefer more fast-paced exercises. Running, specifically. We’ve already talked about this.”
“We have, but I was under the impression that you’d give it a real go. The whole point is to introduce new activities into your routine. Things to preoccupy your mind. And the best part about yoga is that it will facilitate your breathing exercises too. It’s a win-win.”
He wanted me to be able to control my thoughts. But I was in control of them. I thought about the phone in my pocket. Most of them. “I don’t need to do yoga. I’ve been good. Really. And I have a very set routine.”
“During the week, sure. But what about the weekends? What were you doing this morning?”
Thinking about that phone call. “I ate breakfast, went on a run, looked over my lesson plans for the week.”
“And what are you planning to do with the rest of your afternoon and evening?”
I had nothing in mind other than obsessing over that phone call. But there was no reason for Penny to call me on a Sunday night. At least, I hoped not. Partying on a Sunday night was a bit extreme. Not that I was one to judge.
“Ah, the pause,” Dr. Clark said. “Idle minds, James. Idle minds lead to nothing good and we both know it. Do yoga tonight.”
“You’re relentless.”
“It’s my job. And this time when you try it, give it more than five minutes.”
He was a freaking mind reader. I sighed. He was also the best in the business, which was why I was sitting here. I basically paid him to read my mind. “Deal.”
He nodded. “But reminding yourself to take deep breaths has been helping in general?”
“Mhm.” I guess.
“Because we could also revisit the rubber band…”
“No, I’m good. Really.” For a few weeks when I’d first started seeing him he’d made me wear a rubber band around my wrist. I was supposed to snap it whenever I lost focus on the present. I hated that damn rubber band. All I did all day was snap it. And if I put it on now? Penny was all I could think about. It would be slow torture.
“Okay, back to your work thing, then. What is that really about?”
It was the one thing I didn’t want him to read my mind on. “Like I said before, it’s nothing important.”
“We’ve spent a lot of time together in the past several months. You’ve never been distracted by work before. Are your classes going well this semester?”
“Yes.”
“Our time right now is supposed to be a priority. So what work thing could possibly need your attention on a Sunday afternoon then?”
Penny. There wasn’t really any use in lying to Dr. Clark. He’d eventually get the truth out of me anyway. I knew my thoughts regarding Penny were wrong. And I also knew Dr. Clark would tell me that. Of course he would. So I might as well rip the Band-Aid off. Maybe him telling me I was being inappropriate would finally shake this girl out of my system. It was one thing for me to know what I wanted to do…it was another thing entirely for someone to stare at me accusingly. Screw it. I already thought I was a monster. I’m pretty sure he did too. “It isn’t work…exactly. I gave my number to someone.” I was trying to find the right words to describe Penny when Dr. Clark cut in.
“Oh, is it a colleague?”
Well, that seemed a hell of a lot better than a student. Dr. Clark’s mindreading was a little off today, but I was thankful. “Yes. And I’ve been waiting all weekend to hear back from her.” This was a conversation I could get on board with. I could certainly talk about my “colleague” for the rest of my session. Talking about Penny was a hell of a lot better than debating the merits of yoga.
Dr. Clark nodded. No smile. Just a simple nod, which made me think the next thing he said wasn’t going to be good even though I hadn’t even mentioned the student thing. “What are the school’s policies about dating fellow faculty members?”
Probably more lenient than the ones regarding dating students. “I don’t know. I’ll have to look into it.”
“James, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind to be in a relationship.”
I hadn’t been expecting that. For some reason I thought he’d be happy for me. But Dr. Clark and I weren’t friends. He wasn’t here to tell me good job. He was here to help me get my act together. “Who said anything about a relationship?” I said it as a joke, but still no smile from him. Yeah, he could see right through me.
“Do you think maybe you like this colleague of yours simply because she is off-limits?”
Huh. Did I like Penny simply because she was off-limits? Honestly…maybe. Possibly? A temptation for something I shouldn’t do…it wouldn’t be the first time. Dr. Clark and I both knew it. But then I thought about how it felt easier to breathe when I was around Penny. It wasn’t about wanting something I couldn’t have. If anything, it felt like wanting something I didn’t deserve. Because I could have Penny. I knew I could have her if I wanted. But I definitely didn’t deserve someone like her. Innocent. Sweet. Happy.
“I don’t think that’s it,” I said. “I was attracted to her before I realized she was a…co-worker.” For a brief moment when she fell into my arms, before I saw her backpack. Before she showed up in my class.
“You really think you’re ready to enter into a healthy relationship? One based on honesty? Complete honesty, James?”