He didn’t say it, but I knew he was referring to the fact that sometimes I wasn’t even honest with him. And he was my freaking therapist. I didn’t have an answer for him. Was I ready? Did it matter? I couldn’t be in a relationship with a student. “I want to be ready. But I don’t know if I am. Aren’t you supposed to tell me that?”
Finally he smiled. “That’s what I’m trying to assess. You’ll need to tell her about your past. Everything.”
“That’s a great way to end it before it even begins.”
“I’m not talking about telling her on the first date. But before it gets serious.”
Serious? I couldn’t let it get serious. So that wasn’t going to be a problem. Penny and I would always just be a student and her teacher. Minor flirtations maybe, but nothing more. “Yeah…I can do that.”
“Great.” He closed his notebook. “I say go for it.”
“Really?”
“You’ve isolated yourself from your family and all your old friends. You’ve been alone in this town for far too long. This is the first time you’ve joked during a session. And I’ve never seen you smile this much.”
I felt the curve of my lips. I hadn’t even realized I’d been smiling.
“Whoever this woman is, she’s clearly good for you.”
If only you knew. But there was truth to what Dr. Clark said, even though he didn’t have all the facts. Thinking about Penny did make me smile. I felt like joking again. Smiling again. If only she really was a colleague.
There was a knock on the door.
“Ah, our time is up,” he said. “Same time next week?”
“Yeah.” I stood up.
“You’ll have to let me know what she says when she finally calls you. And she will.”
I pulled out my cell phone and looked down at the blank screen as I walked back out into the reception area. Dr. Clark was right, Penny would eventually text me. From the outside I was a catch. But if she ever found out about my past? My secrets? The worst-case scenario would definitely ensue. She’d run straight to the dean. I’d get fired for fraternizing. Penny literally had the evidence in her syllabus. And I would never get another second chance at starting over. At least not as a professor.
But it felt good to be smiling again. I just wasn’t sure that happiness was worth the risk.
Chapter 7
Monday
I did my best not to look at Penny as I walked into my classroom. But it was impossible to miss the extra makeup on her eyes. Or the short skirt. Or the fact that I was pretty sure she was trying to slowly kill me.
She didn’t need that extra makeup or a skirt that short to get my attention. She looked gorgeous even in one of my sweaters and a pair of rainboots. But then I had the numbing thought that she wasn’t trying to look good for me.
She’d never texted me, which was for the best. I knew that. I’d told myself that over and over again last night. For a moment my mind wandered to our last conversation. She mentioned dreaming about me in passing. And I’d teased her about it. I dropped my satchel, and then the next thing I knew, words I hadn’t meant to speak were coming out of my mouth.
"Today I thought it might be fun to talk about a recent dream we've had,” I said. So much for my lesson plan. Again. I smiled, trying to dismiss the thought. I’d already dug my heels into this topic, so I might as well get the information I was seeking. "And I'll kick us off." I tried to think of an appropriate answer. Anything to derail this train wreck of an assignment. But I could only think about one thing. Penny. I’d been lying to myself all weekend, trying to pretend she meant nothing. I’d been lying to my therapist about Penny too. And for once it would feel good to be honest. The truth would mean nothing to my students. Well, except for one.
"Ah, I remember one." I put my hands in my pockets, thinking about my latest dream. The dream that had been haunting me for the past week. "Last night I dreamt that it was pouring outside. And I just had this feeling that I was waiting for something to happen. Something exciting." I leaned against my desk and tried not to look up. I tried so fucking hard not to look. But I couldn’t resist. I needed her to know I was thinking about her. Just one glance. How much harm could it do?
I locked eyes with Penny. And in that one second, I knew I was completely screwed. Her throat made a weird squeaking noise and her cheeks grew red. But she didn’t look away. She stared back, and for some reason that made me want her even more. If we had been alone, I’d… Breathe.
I turned my attention back to the rest of the class. No one seemed to notice that I had been staring at her. Or that she had been staring back at me. The rest of my students were oblivious. Most of them probably weren’t paying attention to me at all. If they were, they would have seen it. They would have seen how fucking much I wanted the gorgeous redhead in the back row. They would have known I wanted to devour her. That I was growing hard just thinking about it. Breathe.
I tried to focus on the rest of the students’ dreams. A few of them were funny enough to make me laugh. My therapist was definitely right. I was happy. For once in my life I felt carefree. My eyes landed on Penny’s name on my roster. Finally. I wanted her to flirt back. I wanted her to be brazen. Like it was just the two of us in this room. I needed to know if she was thinking about me too or if this was just in my head. “Penny Taylor,” I said.
She quickly stood up, her skirt riding up higher on her thighs. A necklace plunged between her breasts, disappearing beneath her tank top. God, I was jealous of that necklace.
"I've actually been having the same dream now for several nights.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "It's always raining, but there's a man there holding an umbrella above the two of us so that we don't get soaked."
Her gaze finally met mine. And for a moment it was just us. It felt right. But also wrong.
"And he kisses me,” she said.
So fucking wrong. It was exactly what I wanted to hear. So why wasn’t I happy to hear it?
Someone in the room laughed and Penny quickly sat back down.
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room as I watched Tyler lean over and whisper something in her ear. I turned away. I had a class to teach. Not whatever the hell I was currently doing. But the way I felt when she turned to Tyler gave me a pretty clear picture of why I was bothered by her dream. It was because I could never have her. I’d never get to kiss her. Taste her. We’d only ever be in each other’s dreams.
I walked over to the board and picked up a piece of chalk, being careful not to snap it in my hand. Breathe. I wrote the word "emotion” on the board and turned back around, hoping that I looked composed. "The best advice I can give you is to make your speech personal. You want to draw emotion from your audience. You want to hook them." I made a fist to emphasize my point.
"That's why this first speech is easy. You're all speaking about someone you admire, someone who has helped shape who you've become. It's personal. Make your classmates aware of that. Don't ever be afraid to show emotion."
I looked out at all my students, making sure to not let my eyes focus on Penny, and tried to think of a way to make everything about today’s class make sense. I was all over the place. And if I didn’t get my shit together, one of these students might complain. I’d be fired for something other than sleeping with Penny. Which seemed like a waste. "Many psychologists will tell you that there are hidden meanings in your dreams, but I've never seen it that way. They're quite black and white. The first thing that comes to your mind when you think of your dream is what it truly means. And it's emotional.” I looked at a boy on the opposite side of the class as Penny, trying hard not to glance at her. “Fear." I looked at the girl who had snickered at Penny. "Anger." And finally my eyes landed briefly on Penny. "Desire.” I couldn’t help it. Breathe.