“It’s so sudden, though.” Her tone still has a note of absolute shock. “I mean…marriage?”
“Yes. And if you don’t know whether you love me yet, or you’re not ready, I’ll…wait.”
She chuckles softly as she says, “Grinding your teeth is pretty bad for you. How hard was it for you to offer to wait?”
“Yeah, it won’t be easy. I know that you’re who I want, Winter, and I want you now. But you’re worth the wait.”
“But no pressure or anything,” she mutters.
“I won’t pressure you.”
She goes quiet again, mulling over her thoughts. I don’t move. I need to know how she feels about this, even if her answer is hard for me to hear.
“Would you be willing to have…I guess it might be a prenup?”
Her question catches me off guard. I consider for a moment and say, “Why? I want everything I have to be yours, too.”
“I want to know that no matter what happens with Avery, I get to stay in her life.”
“Of course.” I take her hand in mine. “Of course, whatever you need. I can have my attorney draw something up that lays out your rights to see her, and I’ll give you the money to hire your own attorney to review it on your behalf. You should never sign a contract of any kind without having an attorney who only works for you review it.”
“It’s kind of hot when you talk business in bed,” she says wryly.
“I’m just being straight with you. If you need that reassurance in writing, it’s done.”
Her voice sounds a little hoarse as she says, “Thank you, Harry.”
“I don’t mean to be a buzzkill,” I say, “but I’m going to go check my email and grab a drink. I want to give you the space you need to think about this. I don’t want you to marry me because of Avery. I want it to be because of us, what we have with each other. And I’m not going to try to fuck you into saying yes when you aren’t ready.”
“I appreciate that.”
“No matter what your answer is, you’ll still be in Avery’s life. I’ll treat you the same as I would Mallory—you can have Avery half of the time, if you decide you don’t want to live with me anymore.”
“Thank you. I promise I won’t take a long time to think about it.”
I kiss her forehead and say, “Take all the time you need.”
I leave the bedroom, planning to get a glass of water, but end up pouring a small glass of bourbon instead.
What if she says no? How will I accept that when I’m crazy in love with her?
Tipping the glass back, I try to put it out of my mind. No sense in worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet.
Easier said than done, though.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Winter
A brisk Chicago breeze blows my hair across my face and I brush it away, tucking it behind my ear and looking down at the map on my phone. The map displays the different plot number at the cemetery where Mallory is buried.
It’s a beautiful location, with winding walkways and mature trees. Technically, there were no plots available here when Harry chose the location a couple months ago. But he was able to purchase a plot from someone who already owned one, and he had the small urn with Mallory’s ashes buried there. He asked for my permission to create a permanent resting place for her, and I agreed.
I haven’t been able to bring myself to visit the burial site until today, though. I knew, when I maxed out a credit card to pay for Mallory’s cremation, that she was gone. When I picked up the small urn containing her ashes from the funeral home, Avery in my arms, I knew it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.
I was in survival mode then, though. Trying to find a way to pay for diapers and formula, and figure out how to navigate my new life with a baby.
When it was new, I was so exhausted I sometimes fell asleep while trying to shower. I was barely getting by. But now that I have fewer things to worry about, there’s more time for the sadness to creep in.
Checking the numbers on a wrought iron sign, I see that I’m approaching the row where Mallory’s plot is located. I take a deep breath, my feet suddenly made of concrete.
Part of me wants to see it. Part of me can’t bear the thought of it. It’s so final, seeing my best friend’s name carved into a headstone.
One day, I want to bring Avery here. I want to tell her everything about her mother, including how hard she fought to live long enough to bring her baby girl into this world. There are beautiful, happy memories that I want Avery to know about.
But first, I have to face the sadness. I turn onto the path that will lead me to Mallory’s plot, glancing at the map again to see how far down the path it is.
It’s all the way at the end. The plot is large and fully shaded by a giant oak tree. Tears pool in my eyes as I walk closer and see the large, pale pink marble headstone. It was her favorite color, and it’s also a nod to her battle with breast cancer.
Grass is beginning to cover the earth that was dug up to bury Mal’s ashes. I kneel beside the soft, short blades and read the words engraved on the stone.
Mallory Nicole Crow
Beloved mother, daughter and friend
I brush my fingertips over the letters, and then over the dates of Mallory’s birth and death. After holding my grief in for so long, it feels good to cry. I cry hard, for the friend I lost, for the mother Avery lost, and for the bright light the entire world lost. I also cry because Harry did this. He gave Mal the peaceful, beautiful resting place she deserved.
“He’s not as awful as I thought,” I say softly. “I actually think…maybe he’s not awful at all.”
I swipe my fingertips beneath my eyes and put my palm on the ground where Mal’s ashes are buried. This is my chance to tell her how her baby girl is doing.
“Avery is so beautiful. She smiles all the time, and she has a tooth. She loves bath time and she’s finally sleeping through the night. Well, mostly.” I smile. “Harry plays French opera music for her sometimes. Just the audio. She always looks mesmerized by the sounds. I think she actually likes French opera, so obviously she’s advanced for her age. She also likes Little Einsteins, or Baby Einstein, or I don’t know, it’s something like that. She likes music.”
A breeze blows through and I stop talking, looking up at the outstretched branches of the oak tree and letting the cool wind caress my face.
“Oh, Mal. I don’t even know how I got here. It seems like yesterday we were celebrating your pregnancy and planning all the epic adventures we’d take Avery on when she was older. And now…now you’re gone and I’m an absolute mess over Harry.”
I cry some more, willing every unshed tear to fall. This is the first time I’ve let myself truly grieve since losing my dearest friend.
“What should I do, Mal?” I ask after crying to the point I’m sniffling and hiccupping. “Harry said he loves me and I think…” I sigh deeply. “I think I love him, too. He’s a great father to Avery. And he’s…different than I thought he would be.”
I lie down then, curling up on my side and pressing a cheek to the fresh grass. When I close my eyes, I feel a sense of quiet calmness.