Shame hit my body instantly.
“No!” Christian shouted. “I am over this fucking bullshit! She could have killed someone tonight, Kinley!”
“I know! Okay?! But what am I supposed to do? She’s my mom!”
“She needs consequences. She’s never going to change if you’re always there making excuses for her about why she’s drinking to begin with. Enough is enough. She’s drowning, and I can’t watch you be her life vest anymore. I worry about you constantly. When I’m in class, at the hospital, it never ends!”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t need to hear your apologies. What I need is for you to let her go, so she can figure it out on her own. You’re not her mother, Kinley. You’re her daughter. She needs to learn her role and stop thinking you’re the one who’s supposed to be taking care of her. You’ve done it for the last twenty-four years of your life. How many more years are you going to waste on her?”
“That’s not fair! She’s sick! How can I make you understand that?”
“I know she’s sick, but she doesn’t do anything to make herself better but fucking drink herself into oblivion. The more she substitutes alcohol for medication, the harder it’s going to be to get her brain to work correctly again. She’s self-medicating and killing herself, and the worst part is she’s taking you with her and you don’t see it.”
“You think it’s so easy to just let her go? To just cut her off? She’s my mom, and I love her! She’s all I have.”
“Bullshit! You have me! You have my family! You have your pain in the ass best friend! You’re not alone anymore. We’re all here for you. We’re always going to be here for you. All you’re doing is driving a wedge between us by enabling your mother.”
I shook my head. “You just don’t get it! You have no idea what I’m going through. You have no idea what it feels like to know she’s a good person. She’s a great mom when she’s sober and on her meds. You saw her, Christian. She’s still there, that woman is still inside of her. She’s just buried deep within her illness and addiction. If she won’t fight for herself, then I’m going to do it for her! It’s what any daughter would do!”
“Ugggg…” Mom groaned, rolling around on the ground, completely oblivious to what was happening and the war she was starting with me and Christian.
“Kinley,” Jax coaxed. “Christian is right. You can’t keep babying her. You’re going to have to let her figure it out on her own. I know she’s your mom, but what the fuck? Look at her!” He pointed to her. “She doesn’t even care what she’s doing to you! She barely knows where she’s at right now. When is that going to compute with you?”
“Mom.” I grabbed her arm, trying to get her to stand. “Come on, please get up. I’ll drive you home.”
“Over my dead body!”
“Christian! Stop! I’m taking her home. We can talk about this later.”
“No, we’re going to finish this now.”
“Christian,” Julian stressed, gripping onto his arm to hold him back. “Just let her be, man. It’s her mother.”
I’d never been more grateful for Julian than I was at that moment. Christian didn’t pay him any mind, shoving him away. I hated I was now causing problems with him and his best friend.
As soon as I took a step toward her car with her in my arms, Christian snapped…
“Kinley, you’re going to have to choose. It’s either me or your mother.”
Chapter 25
Kinley
I stumbled back, his words almost knocking me on my ass. “You don’t mean that.”
“You get in that car with her then you’re making your fucking choice. I won’t stand around and watch you drown with her anymore.”
All eyes were on me. I could tell his parents wanted to intervene but didn’t know how or what to say. It was a whirlwind of emotions, spiraling out of control. One minute I was in his arms, feeling safe, and now I was holding my mom up with him throwing ultimatums at me.
How did this happen? What was going on? How do I fix it?
“Please don’t do this…” I pleaded, feeling his anger burning a hole into my heart.
“You leave me no choice,” was all Christian replied.
I didn’t recognize the cold, hard man standing in front of me. He wasn’t the man I’d been with for the last nine years, the one who’d protected me, loved me unconditionally, the man who’d healed me and made me believe I was worth something.
He was a stranger, standing with his fists at his side. Ready to fight for my future, not realizing I couldn’t move forward with him when my mother’s past was dragging me back into the Hell she’d lived in.
“Kinleyyy Care Bearrrr…” Mom slurred. “I love youuuu.”
It was all I needed to hear, the choice was made for me. I helped her into her car, buckling her into the passenger seat before getting into the driver’s side.
My heart was beating out of my chest, thinking that Christian would say something, anything to stop me, tell me he loved me and didn’t mean it. That he’d be here for me like he had been since the first time we’d talked.
He didn’t.
Not one word.
No I love you.
I’m sorry.
Nothing.
Silence.
With sorrow in his gaze, he watched as I buckled myself into the driver’s seat and never broke eye contact with me. For the first time, his stare hurt me in ways I never thought possible when it came to him. I could still feel his love, but I could also feel his hate.
I swear we just looked at each other for seconds, minutes, hours, both of us lost in our own thoughts, our own demons.
Mine was my mother.
His … was me.
He might have been my savior, but I was definitely his demise.
Slowly, I found the courage to start the car, thinking this was the moment he’d run toward me and get in to help me drive her home like he’d done so many times I lost count at this point.
Again, he didn’t.
He simply watched as I backed out of his yard, his heart breaking, his soul aching. I was taking him into Hell right there with me.
With tears streaming down my face, I looked into his eyes one last time before I drove away, leaving my heart with him…
Knowing I’d never get it back.
By the time we were on the highway, the consequences of his words started to take over, and there was a huge lump in my throat, making it hard to breathe, to swallow, to feel anything but agony for what I was putting us through at the hands of my mom.
I wanted to hate her.
Resent her.
But all I could feel was pity.
For her.
Me.
Christian.
Addiction was a cruel motherfucker. It held onto everything in its path, leaving only destruction in its wake. It wasn’t comfort, it was an illusion, a cop out, an excuse to keep making bad choices. It was that voice in the back of your head, that shadow that always followed you, the devil on your shoulder, when nothing else mattered but another drink inside of you.