I knew all that, yet there I was, allowing it to control my life. You see, my mom was addicted to alcohol, and I was addicted to trying to save her life. I didn’t know which one was worse. They both seemed to destroy me in the end.
I gasped in and out at rapid speed as I contemplated over and over if he’d meant it. If we were over, done, finished. I couldn’t live without him. He was my everything.
“He didn’t mean it,” I whispered to myself, needing the false reassurance that I didn’t fuck up the best thing in my life.
When all of a sudden, my mom woke up from her dead sleep. “Kinleyyyy, I can drives,” she slurred, trying to grab the wheel.
“Mom, what are you doing? Stop!”
She didn’t. “Go back toooo Christian’ssss, and justs let me drivee.”
“Mom! Let go of the wheel! You’re going to make us crash!”
I swerved left and then right, and for a moment I thought we might have lost control of the car, but when I saw that she’d fallen back into her seat, I finally exhaled a sigh of relief.
Except it was too soon.
She lunged for the wheel again and yanked it as far right as it could go.
“MOM!” I screamed bloody murder.
It vibrated throughout the entire car as my life flashed before my eyes. I slammed on the brakes, causing our car to spin in a three-sixty.
Around and around we went for what felt like hours but could have been seconds. I instinctively placed one of my arms over my face while the other landed on my mother’s chest. Thinking we were going to be okay.
Choices…
We all had them.
Christian wanted me to choose him.
I didn’t.
I chose her instead.
The second I realized that.
Everything. Went. Black.
—Christian—
I was leaning with my head against the seat in her hospital room, my legs spread out in front of me, and my arms crossed over my chest.
“Honey, you should go home and get some rest. You’ve been here for two days,” Mom said.
I replied with my eyes closed, “I’m not leaving.”
“Christian, you heard the doc—”
“Mom,” I argued, narrowing my eyes at her.
She sighed and nodded. “I’ll go get you some coffee. Do you want anything else?”
I shook my head.
Leaning over, she kissed the top of my head. “She’s going to be okay.”
“I know.”
My body was exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t stop thinking. I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. I would remember the phone call from the hospital for the rest of my life. Years ago, I became Kinley’s emergency contact. She didn’t have anyone else but me.
“Mr. Troy, Kinley and her mom have been in an accident…”
This was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
When I saw her, covered in bruises, eyes closed, an IV in her arm, machines blaring loudly in her room, I wanted to break down.
I wanted to switch places with her.
I wanted to make her wake up.
I felt so fucking guilty over what I’d said to her before she drove off with her drunken mother. I couldn’t help but think it had something to do with the accident. I was the cause of this.
Of us.
All I had time to do was think, with a blinding headache from lack of sleep. I closed my eyes, and the next thing I knew I was slowly opening them with Kinley staring at me.
I jumped out of my chair and was over to her in two strides, grabbing her hand and kissing all over it while I hit the emergency button to let the staff know she was awake.
“I love you so much.” I kissed all over her face, her mouth. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Our eyes locked, both of us trying to focus and take each other in.
The RN and doctor on call made their way into the room. I stood back, allowing them more space, even though I wanted nothing more than to still be sitting by her side, holding her hand.
The doctor proceeded to check all her vitals, asking her questions at the same time. She was alert, answering each one without trouble or confusion, only easing my anxiety a little. I still felt so fucking guilty.
“My mom? Is she okay?”
He nodded. “She’s fine. She’s detoxing in ICU. You can see her once I get your test results back.” He continued with questions until finally, they left us alone, saying he would be back with the results from her exams from earlier that day.
Once I was sitting on the edge of her bed, she expressed, “Christian, I’m so sorry. I should have listened to you.”
“Shhh…” I kissed her. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have never said that to you. I should have gone with you. You wouldn’t be here if I had.”
“No.” She shook her head. “That’s not why I’m here.” I could tell she was weighing her words, and my heart was in my throat.
“I don’t know what happened. She just woke up in a rage and grabbed the wheel.”
My eyes widened.
The rest proceeded in slow motion. Especially when the doctor walked back into her hospital room with her test results.
Stating, “There was damage to your fallopian tubes.”
I was in medical school. I didn’t have to hear the rest. All I kept thinking was how I could have lost the love of my life. I came to with Kinley bawling her eyes out in my arms.
Big.
Huge.
Ugly tears.
I didn’t hesitate, pulling away and looking profoundly into her eyes. All I saw was my future, with her as my wife.
I made my choice. It was her.
It was always her.
So I spoke with conviction…
“Marry me, sweetness.”
Chapter 26
Kinley
Now
“Mom.” I snapped out of it. “You have no idea the damage you caused that night.”
“I can only imagine.”
“No, you can’t. You want to know why? Because you ran! Like a damn coward!”
“I didn’t want to be a burden on you anymore.”
“Bullshit. You didn’t see me again because you couldn’t fucking face me, Mom. That’s what you do when the going gets tough—you run.”
“What are you talking about?” Christian asked, looking over at me.
“I never told you this, but when you left to go shower, I went to look for her. I just wanted to say goodbye. I knew she couldn’t be in my life after what had happened. I wasn’t going to lose you, Christian. I chose you.”
He jerked back, never expecting me to say that. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“There was nothing to tell. I went to her hospital room, and she wasn’t there anymore. Even after that day, I went to your house because I just needed to have closure. To have something for everything you’d put me through, but you weren’t there either. All your stuff was gone. The landlord said you just dipped out. Your cell was disconnected. You completely dropped off the face of the earth, and I spent the last ten years still worrying about you. How stupid am I?”
“I know, but after what I did … I was so ashamed.”