Axel’s waiting for me when I walk in. He’s holding a pint of some fancy organic ice cream I’m pretty sure wasn’t in the freezer before I left, and he’s got the monitor hooked on the waistband of his joggers, making them hang low on one side.
Wow. I don’t even know where to look.
“Otto had a bottle and change, so there’s a good chance you’re going to get to eat this before he rouses from his nap.”
“Did you really get me pity-party ice cream?” I ask, forcing my eyes to the more appropriate temptation as I shrug out of my coat.
“Astrid says it’s really more of an any-occasion ice cream.” He heads into the living room, waving with the spoon for me to follow. “Told me I couldn’t go wrong with it and to stock a second pint in the back of the freezer behind ‘something gross’ so there’s a chance it will last you until Thanksgiving.”
And there it is, the good humor I was so hoping he’d deliver. “That’s like three days away. This is some hype.”
Dropping into the corner of the couch, I gratefully accept the ice cream. He’s even pried the lid off for me. Thoughtful.
The first bite is pure decadence, and it must be written all over my face too, because Axel smiles and turns to the fireplace, flipping the switch to ignite it.
“The job thing is going to work out.” Joining me on the couch, he takes the spoon from my hand and digs out a creamy bite from the pint. “Have some more, it’s medicinal.”
When I don’t open, he pokes my mouth, making me giggle.
I accept the bite, closing my lips around the spoon and drawing the creamy sweetness onto my tongue.
It’s so good, I hum with pleasure.
“Jesus, that good, huh?” Axel’s voice is choked, his eyes on the pint of ice cream between us.
“Id reawy is.” I swallow and take the spoon from him, scooping out another bite. “Haven’t you even tried it?”
“I don’t eat a lot of sweets.”
“One bite.” I hold the spoon out. “I won’t tell the team nutritionist.”
He huffs a laugh, grabbing my hand in his and steering it toward his mouth. And then he’s the one moaning around the spoon, making all the ecstasy faces and nodding like he finally gets it.
He’s over-the-top, and I know it’s for my benefit. He’s going out of his way to cheer me up. Because it turns out he’s a pretty decent guy.
And this pretty decent guy seems to notice he’s still holding my hand at the same time I do. Clearing his throat, he lets go and checks the monitor where Otto is still sleeping soundly.
“So, what happened? Didn’t like the company, the job?”
I sigh, scooting deeper into the couch. “Didn’t get an opportunity to find out much. The woman interviewing me apologized before I even sat down. They didn’t realize I only had a high school diploma when they asked me to come in. Even though I’d already been doing most of what the job listed for Diane— managing the website, creating and coordinating promotion, processing orders and tracking inventory, and all the rest —I still wasn’t qualified. So, that was that.”
His brows pull together, his mouth forming a dark frown. “They didn’t even talk to you? See if there was something else that might be a better fit?” He looks pissed on my behalf. “If they’d talked to you for five minutes, they never would have let you leave.”
“Thanks, Axel. I appreciate your faith.” I mean it. “I’ll find something.” Maybe not what I’d hoped, but something.
I take another bite of the ice cream and hand it back to Axel, who curbs the moans this time. Then, contemplating the carton, he says, “Why not stay with us, with Otto?”
It’s the one question I hoped he wouldn’t ask. The one I keep pushing from my own mind.
“I can’t.”
“But you’re amazing with him. Is it the pay or hours? Shit, of course it’s the hours. You never get a break. What’s wrong with me? I can get you some help.”
“Axel, stop.” I take a breath and set the ice cream on the coffee table. “It’s not the pay or the hours, and I get plenty of breaks. It’s none of that.”
“Then what?”
I’m not sure he could ever understand. But I try to explain anyway.
“I need to feel like I’m able to support myself. Like I can create my own security.” A safety net. “I love kids. But after twenty years of being my mother’s live-in nanny, I hate feeling like I have no other options. Like I don’t get to choose.”
“That’s how you feel?”
“I have one thing I know how to do. One marketable skill set. And it’s scary because even that experience is unconventional. Say all I wanted was a career in childcare. Without some kind of degree, my options will be limited there too. But what happens if I need a different kind of job at some point? I have nothing to fall back on.”
“You have experience. Diane—”
“Five months working for my second cousin in a job I’m not qualified to get again? Honestly, I’m not even sure if that’s the dream job or not. If it was the job I loved or if it was feeling like I was free. It felt so good to see what I was capable of. To think that maybe it was just the beginning and that I had options. Potential.”
“You want to try new things and figure out what fits you.”
I nod, pushing back the unexpected rise of emotion. “It could be childcare or being a teacher or an administrative assistant or running a food truck— but probably not that.”
Axel laughs. “Don’t stop there. Running your own business. Working in cybersecurity or biotech.”
“Astronaut.”
Axel nods and reaches for the ice cream. He hands it back to me. “Okay, I get it. You don’t want to feel like you don’t have any options, like you can’t help yourself. And staying on with us won’t help you build the safety net you need.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t be. I care about you, Nora. Yeah, I’d like it if Otto and I got to keep you, but I understand why that’s not the right decision for you… Still, maybe you ought to give me another bite of the pity-party ice cream.”
Axel
A couple hours later, I’m in bed with Otto sprawled out against my bare chest for some nekkid-nappy time. I can’t stop thinking about what Nora said.
I get it.
She needs to invest in her own life. She wants the kind of experience that’s transferable and she can build on.
A degree would help her get there. I know she’s interested in school. And if she were going to stay with us, I could help her make that happen around caring for Otto. But if she’s not planning to stay, then what? We get two years with her. Two years for Otto to form the most foundational attachments to her… and then she leaves to pursue the paths that would fulfill her life… and devastate his.
I can’t do it to him. Yes, realistically, he’s going to see turnover in his care over the years. No matter how much I try to protect him from it, odds are, it’s going to happen.
But I can’t intentionally set him up for that kind of heartbreak.