“Karli, I’m sorry.”
Goddamn it, I’m not going to cry. Not again, not in front of all these people. I don’t cry. He’s the only man who’s ever made me shed a tear, and even that one was short-lived and wiped up before it could slide down my cheek.
“This was all… entertaining, but sorry, I can’t do this, Matthew.” I turn to walk back through the bullpen, covering my mouth as I do.
Like a flash, he has me by the hand and spins me back around. The same way he did so many times in this building, in the parking garage, on the sidewalk.
I want to fight it, but I don’t have the energy. I’m completely spent, emotionally, physically.
“Please let go of me.” I glare down at his hand.
He releases my wrist. “I mean it, Karli. Please. I’m so sorry.” His eyes roll up to the ceiling, and then land back on me. His eyes start to well up a little, and he sniffs. “I fucked up, bad. It all happened so fast, but I’m not going to make excuses for myself. I hurt you. Nothing I can say or do can ever change that, and it eats me up inside. It has for every second of every day since then.”
I want to run and hide, because I know I’m about to break in front of him. In front of everyone. I built this dam a long time ago, for my feelings. It holds everything back, and right now, it’s spilling over, about to crumble under the weight.
I suck in a deep breath, but even I can feel how weak my words are about to sound. “It’s too late for that, Matthew.”
He shakes his head. “It’s never too late.”
I close my eyes, trying to keep everything locked inside, just a little longer to get me through this, but I can’t do it. I just can’t. The bridge of my nose burns, and I feel the tears at the corners of my eyes, and they start to flow, the dam finally collapsing. “Where have you been?” My voice cracks when I say the words.
“I-I just…”
“You destroyed me and left me all alone to fend for myself. You didn’t fight for me.”
“Of course I did. I tracked down the reporter, got to Blake, did the research to find out he was a Cooper plant.”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t care about this place or what happened, Matthew. Yes, you ripped my heart out in the moment, you didn’t stand up for me. But you didn’t fight for me, to be with me, afterward. I’ve been all alone, and you could’ve tried to make things right at any time, and trust me, I told myself that whole time, no matter how many times you showed up or tried to get me back, I wasn’t going to give in after what you did. But that was bullshit.” I cover my mouth as the tears keep coming. “It wouldn’t have been easy, but I would’ve forgiven you. All I got instead was one text message that said ‘I’m so sorry.’ One fucking text message, after what you did to me.” I hold up a finger as I say it.
His eyes drop down to the ground and he starts to say something. “I’m sorry.”
“Even now, you can’t even look at me when you say it. You’re a coward.”
His eyes meet mine. “I know. I’m sorry, Karli. I fucked up, bad.” His tone takes me a little by surprise, because it’s commanding and forceful. He takes a step toward me. “Everything you said is true, I was a coward. I made a giant mistake, fucking mistakes, plural, they were wrong, and hurtful, and you’re right. I should’ve been begging for forgiveness before you made it to the street that day. I can never take back what I did or how I reacted. I still don’t know why I went along with firing you that day. Self-preservation?”
“Exactly.”
He shakes his head. “That’s what I told myself too, but I don’t think that was it.”
I blink a few times like he’s insane. “Of course that’s why. Anyone with half a brain knows that’s what you did.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s it. Trust me, I’ve been trying to figure this out the whole time too.”
“Why else would you throw me under the fucking bus like that, asshole?”
He shrugs. “Because I was scared, fucking terrified to be honest. But not about losing my job, or throwing my career away, or risking any of those consequences.”
I don’t even know what to say to him. I just shift my weight from one foot to the other.
“I was terrified because I was so in love with you, and I didn’t know how to handle that or process it.” A tear slides down his cheek and his voice cracks. “I’m fucked up, Karli. I know that. And I think I was just trying to sabotage us, because subconsciously, I was trying to take my life back to normal. Back when life was safe, didn’t require any risk on my part. I knew inside, how much I love you already, and how bad it could hurt me if things went south.” He takes another step toward me, then falls to his knees in front of me.
Holy shit, is he begging?
“But I can’t ever return to normal. In the process of trying to avoid pain, I caused more than I could imagine. There is no normal without you anymore. You’re my normal, because in your heart you know, the same way I do, that we belong together. We’re fucking perfect for each other, and I know you know that, that you still feel that. Please, just give me another chance and I won’t let you down. I promise you. I’m still going to fuck up sometimes because I’m a perpetual idiot, but I will try every day to get better, to work on me and work on us. I will never make you fall on another sword or abandon you—ever.” He wipes his cheek against one of his shoulders, and his fake blood and dirt on his face starts to run.
Is Matthew Graham really crying in front of me, in front of the entire firm?
It only causes more tears to run down my cheeks, and I shake my head at him. Fucking fuck. “I want… I want to believe you so damn…” I cover my mouth and can’t even finish the sentence. “Matthew, I just… I can’t. You h-h-hurt me…” Seeing him in front of me like this, knowing how it feels right now. What if he does this shit five years from now, when I’m more in love with him than I already am? It will destroy me. What if we have kids or a family by then? How could I trust him? All my feelings and emotions, they all rush to the surface at once. I cover my mouth and nose, and my entire body trembles, racked with sobs.
Matthew jumps to his feet and starts to grab me, like he’s going in for a hug, but stops himself at the last second, like he realizes he doesn’t get to hold me anymore. When he’s up close, I can vividly see the tears streaming down his cheeks, the pain in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Karli. I just…” His fingers twitch at his sides, and it’s like it takes every ounce of willpower he possesses not to grab me, comfort me. “Just please know that I love you. More than you will ever know. I don’t give a shit about any of this.” His eyes dart around the building, and around at all the people. “Anything else. I really don’t. I’ll give it all up today. I’ll do whatever you want, go wherever you want to go. I just want to be with you for the rest of my life.” He inhales a sharp breath, and it looks like he’s struggling to get air. “Please, I literally can’t fucking breathe without you. I miss you so much.” He sucks in a deep breath, still staring right at me, pleading with his eyes. “Please.” The last word comes out on a gasp, like he really is about to die. “You’re everything.”