I glance around, and then my eyes go right back to the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and the Die Hard Christmas forgiveness debacle—as I have dubbed it—is still in my recent memory. It takes me a second to fully process what I see.
I do a double take and peer across the street. Dexter Collins stares back at me with the dumbest, sheepish grin I’ve ever seen in my life.
I just… I don’t even know what to do with these people, so I smirk.
“Whatcha doin’, Dexter?”
I stand there, shaking my head. He’s wearing a sandwich board, like the people who stand out in front of a business, looking ridiculous trying to lure people inside. The sign is solid white and says, “I HATE LAWYERS,” in big red letters that look like they’ve been sloppily painted on.
It’s a clear reference to Die Hard with a Vengeance, that much is perfectly clear, only the language has been toned down considerably, for good reason. I start across the street until I’m standing in front of him.
“Ma’am I’m an attorney on official attorney business, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave the area.”
I want to laugh, but I’m too gobsmacked to do anything but just stare blankly at him. He’s clearly not going to break character, so I decide fuck it, and go along with this.
I walk up next to him and raise my voice, because I know every single line of dialogue from this movie by heart. “You having a nice day, sir? You feeling all right? Not to get too personal, but a lawyer standing in front of one of the largest law firms in the world wearing a sign that says, ‘I hate lawyers,’ has either got some serious personal issues or not all his dogs are barking.”
Without missing a beat, Dexter yawns, just like Bruce Willis in the movie.
I have to suppress a laugh and pretend to be serious, but honestly, this is pretty fun. And thank God, because last time I endured a Die Hard charade in this building, I wanted to murder everyone in it when it first began. I glance over and sure enough, I see Decker and Deacon walk out the front door of the building in their suits, looking the way lawyers look.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Hey! I’m talking to you! You’ve got about ten seconds before those guys see you, and when they do, they’ll kill you, do you understand? You’re about to have a very bad day.”
Dexter says, “Tell me about it.” He sighs. “Ma’am once again, this is a serious matter so I’m gonna have to ask you…”
“You’re damn right it’s a serious matter, so I suggest you hide your butt around the corner with me until…”
Almost on cue, I hear Deacon yell, “What tha fuck?”
I cringe a little because he does not hold back, and I’m worried there might be children around. Also, it’s almost impossible trying not to laugh at this point.
I glance back at them. Deacon makes a show of slamming his briefcase down on the ground, and both of them start walking toward us.
Dexter is barely holding it together when I turn around.
I sigh, doing my best Sam Jackson, and say, “Aww shit.”
Dexter starts talking fast. “Listen to me, this is serious lawyer business.”
I pretend to be interested. “Okay.”
“Someone you know went to work earlier. Do you remember?”
“Yeah.” I nod, grinning. “I heard about it.”
“He set off a bomb. And look, the same asshole who did that, said I gotta come here and do this, or he’s going to blow up something else.” He looks over my shoulder at his brothers who must be still approaching. “Look, I have a law degree.”
I do my best to improvise the dialogue. “They have two law degrees.”
“You should get across the street, ma’am.”
I try my best to keep a straight face and plead with him. “Look, start acting crazy.”
“What?”
“Start acting crazy. You know like Looney Tunes, like Bellevue.”
About that time Decker and Deacon walk up.
Decker says, “Hey, Karli, this a friend of yours?”
“He look like a friend of mine? I think he just escaped from some hospital. You know, like Bellevue?”
Dexter’s eyes dance around, and he says nervously, “I am the voice of my own God.”
I snort because I can’t hold it back, but then quickly school my features.
Deacon and Decker both glare right at Dex the whole time he speaks.
Deacon then pulls out a knife from his pocket that looks like it’s made of plastic. He tosses it underhanded right at Dexter’s chest, but it doesn’t stick in the sandwich board, just hits it and falls down to the street.
They all kind of look at each other for a second like shit, but then snap back into character.
Dexter starts rambling. “She didn’t believe me, but I have a headache. I have a very bad headache!”
Decker walks up and pretends to punch Dex in the face, but clearly misses him by like six inches, then grabs him by the mouth and says through his teeth, “Yo shut the…” He glances around, like he’s watching for children, and lowers his voice. “Fuck up.”
Deacon looks at Decker. “This guy here hates lawyers. Now, what the hell are we gonna do about that?”
Decker goes to, I don’t know what he does, to be honest. It looks like he’s pretending to beat him up, and I grab the plastic knife that feels even more fake when I pick it up, and I wave it at them.
They both jump back.
“Back! Back it up!” I’m laughing so hard my stomach hurts as I do it.
I grab Dex by the arm and we both take off running down the sidewalk while I wave the fake knife behind me. “Get back!”
Once we’re down the street, he holds a hand out to me. “Dexter Collins, I owe you one.”
“Damn right you owe me one!” I glance around, wondering what’s next.
Dexter’s phone rings and he answers it and puts it on speaker phone. My heart speeds up because clearly the game isn’t over. I haven’t had this much fun in a long time, and I know Matthew’s behind this. It’s such a welcome distraction from my grueling work and study schedule.
A voice comes over the speaker, and it’s the worst accent I’ve ever heard in my life, worse than at the Christmas party last year with Dex and Deacon. Clearly it’s not Decker, because that guy has accents down to an art form.
They talk so fast trying to say a riddle I can’t even make it out, then they say, “Is the good Samaritan there now?”
“Yeah, I’m here.” I manage to say without laughing.
“You interfered with a well-laid plan.”
“Yeah, well you can stick your well-laid plan up your well-laid ass.”
Dexter’s eyes widen, then he snickers when the phone suddenly goes dead.
He quickly narrows his gaze. “That was not smart. There are lives at stake here. You better hope he calls back.”
“Oh, he will.”
The phone quickly rings again.
Dexter fumbles over himself trying to answer it again. He says, “Simon, sorry about that. She wasn’t speaking for all of us.”
The voice on the phone says, “That was unpleasant. Don’t let it happen again.”
Unable to hold back my excitement, I blurt out, “Just give us the damn clue!”