They made it through dinner with less loaded subjects, and he drove her back to her hotel. He sat looking at her for a long time when they got there.
“When are you leaving, Maddie?” he asked her.
“Tomorrow morning.” She had decided during dinner. She was glad she had come, but didn’t want to stay. Any further contact with him would be messy, and she didn’t want that. Their old memories were enough for her.
“Could you stay a little longer?” She knew what he had in mind, it was easy to guess. A little comfort for old times’ sake before she left.
“I think it would be a mistake, for both of us,” she said gently. “You don’t need any more complications in your life, and neither do I. I think we had our shot at it a long time ago. And you probably did the right things for you. You would never have been happy without the career you have now. I couldn’t have given you that.”
“I’m not happy now,” he said and she believed him.
“It’s tough to be happy if you’re living a lie. Maybe you should take the bull by the horns and get divorced.”
“And then what? Start all over again with someone else? Give up half of everything I have? Her father would destroy me. He’s still powerful, more so than ever. We have a pretty fantastic life, and an incredible house, a yacht, and a jet. That’s hard to walk away from.”
“I guess it is,” she said, feeling sorry for him, not for his bad marriage, but the bad decisions he had made. She wouldn’t have wanted his life, even with all the expensive toys, for anything in the world. He was in a prison of his own making. And she felt sorry for his wife.
Bob tried to kiss her then, and she gently turned her head to avoid it, and kissed his cheek. “Take care of yourself. I’m glad I got to see you. Thank you for dinner.” She smiled and got out of the car as he watched her.
“I love you as much as I did twenty-six years ago, Maddie, the day we left each other. It never stopped.” She wanted to tell him to give it to Elizabeth, but she knew it was way too late for that.
She waved from the sidewalk as he drove away. She hadn’t answered when he said he loved her. She didn’t know what to say. The poor man didn’t know the meaning of the word.
Chapter 5
Maddie had a text from Bob when she woke up the next morning, asking her again to stay. He’d written it the night before when she was sleeping. She answered him quickly and simply. She didn’t want to encourage him. “I have plans in Chicago. Have to leave. Thank you for dinner. Take good care. Maddie.” His life had turned out so badly, though all his own fault, and all for a lot of fancy toys and a big career. It made her sad to think about, but she was glad she had seen it at close range. It left no doubt in her mind about the wisdom of her decision to move on twenty-six years before. She had sensed even then that they wanted different things in life. She wanted people and real relationships, he wanted money and power, and was fiercely ambitious and materialistic.
She checked out of the hotel very early and, just for the fun of it, she decided to visit the Harvard campus in Cambridge. She got there an hour after the sun came up on a beautiful day. She had seen it before, and it always impressed and moved her, thinking of the great minds that had been educated there. She took a few pictures with her phone, with the sunlight washing over the campus, and put them on Instagram. She walked around for a while, thinking how lucky the students were to go to school at such an extraordinary institution, and then she got in her car and followed the GPS directions to head for Chicago. She had a long trip ahead of her and wanted to drive straight through.
She called Penny once she was on the highway, to check in, as soon as Penny got to work.
“How’s everything at home?” She had only left the day before, but it already felt as though she had been gone for longer.
“Quiet, except for Deanna. She called to talk to you yesterday. She didn’t believe that I don’t know where you are.”
“What did she want? Same thing?”
“Of course, to badger you for her benefit.”
“She’ll get tired of it.” Maddie had noticed missed calls from her too, and didn’t intend to respond. She knew why she was calling. “Anything else?”
“No. How are you? I just saw your photo of Harvard on Instagram. How long are you staying in Boston?”
“I’ve already left. I did what I came here to do. I saw an old friend. Now I’m heading west.”
“All the way west?”
“Maybe. I’ll see. I haven’t decided yet.”
“Thanks for checking in. I worry about you,” Penny said gently.
“You don’t need to. I’m fine. I’ll call you in a few days.” She was looking forward to Chicago, she had always liked the city, although she didn’t know it well. She felt a little strange being on this journey, to see the men she had once loved. She wasn’t hoping to start anything with them, she just wanted to spend a little time with each of them to validate her own earlier decisions. In Bob’s case, one dinner had been enough to tell her what she needed to know. She had done the right thing. And if she hadn’t? She had no idea what she would have done then. This was a form of free fall for her. She felt as though she had leapt out of a plane and was floating slowly toward the earth, blown by the wind. She had no idea where she would land. She just knew she needed to do this.
She hung up after a few minutes on the phone with Penny and enjoyed the driving. It was relaxing, and she didn’t mind that she had a long way to go. She needed the time to think.
* * *
—
It was noon in New York when Deanna called her brother, and nine in the morning in California. A busy time of day for him. She’d been with fit models all morning for the new collection, and had a break. Ben took the call immediately, afraid that something had happened to their mother, another fall or something worse. Deanna had put him on edge with her text message about the broken ankle, and he wasn’t sure what to expect next.
“Did you see Mom’s pic on Instagram this morning?” were her opening words.
“No, I didn’t. I was at the gym, and then I came to work. What did she post on it?” He didn’t follow it regularly, but he had it in order to keep current when he was in the mood. Laura followed several people diligently, but she hadn’t said anything to him. Though she didn’t usually follow his mother. She followed movie stars and socialites.
“I’ve been trying to reach her since yesterday, and Penny is being mysterious. She claims she doesn’t know where she is.”