He stiffens for a moment before finally pressing one hand to my back to squeeze me just a little bit closer. I’d say we’re toeing the line, but there was never a line with Father Roman to begin with, because there was never any idea that we would or could cross it. He’s my mentor, my friend, and in some ways, my guardian. Even though I’m twenty now, he was there to protect and care for me during the most vulnerable years of my life. When I was most at risk of making life-altering decisions, Father Roman kept me on the right path.
So, no. There is nothing between us that threatens to be...inappropriate.
And yet...I can’t help but notice the hard surface of his chest against my breasts. And the delicious scent of his cologne. And how our stomachs are basically touching, which means our...other parts are nearly touching, and that thought alone should disturb me—but it doesn’t.
It excites me.
There’s an uncomfortable mixture of shame and disgust brewing in my belly at the thought. It’s wrong of me to feel this way, and I know that. Wrong to even think about it, but my mind goes there anyway. The sin perseveres against my strong will, and it’s unfair.
Should I tell him? I could confess, and I know he would give me the guidance I need. He always has. There wasn’t a problem I encountered since I met him that he hasn’t helped me through. But this...these feelings for him would be strange to confess.
When we finally pull apart, I have to hide my face because I’m afraid he’ll see the remorse burning through the flush of my cheeks.
He clears his throat, averting his eyes as he backs away. “Come on. We have a lot of work to do.”
Chapter 2
Father Roman
* * *
What is wrong with me? I held her in that hug for far too long. But I have to admit, it’s so nice having her back. It would have been strange if we hadn’t hugged. For five years, she visited me here almost daily, and then she was just gone for six months.
Not even God could fault me for wanting to be near Cora.
The sight of her in that habit is strange. She looks so different, but the look suits her. Like she was made for it, but a part of me dislikes it.
For one, I can’t help but feel a little...guilty. I was the one who paved this path for her. She’s here, devoting her life and future to God because of me. I should take pride in that, and I don’t understand why I’m not.
And two...her being in that habit means that she belongs to Him now. When for so long, it was like she was mine—
What am I saying?
I need to snap out of it.
Cora and I make small talk as we prepare for the evening service. There are others working around the church, and being around others makes my thoughts feel even more sinful. I am supposed to be someone she can trust, not someone who hugs her too long and wants her to himself. It would be manipulative of me to use my position of power against her, but I’ve already requested her here, so aren’t I doing that already?
We join a few others in the kitchen as they put together the care packages that will go with the hot meals for the homeless we will deliver tomorrow.
“It’s good to see you again, Cora,” one of the women says.
Cora answers with a smile and her eyes trained on me. “It’s good to be back.”
I’ll bet you’re glad to be back with Father Roman again,” the woman adds.
“I’m not with him,” Cora replies quickly and averts her eyes. “The convent sent me.” It’s a quick recovery, but I catch the way the woman looks regretful, biting her lip and turning away.
When we’re alone, I watch Cora’s expression. “Is everything okay?”
She takes a heavy breath, her shoulders falling as if they are full of lead. “Of course. Everything is great. I’m so glad to be back.”
Her smile is forced and even as she tries to turn away from me, I catch her by the elbow.
“Cora, I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re being honest—and when you’re not.”
When her eyes find mine, they are wide, gazing up at me through thick lashes. She looks as though she wants to say something, but the moment slips by wordlessly.
“You know you can tell me anything. As your priest...and your friend.”
Still those wide blue eyes stare up at me. “I don’t know if I can tell you this,” she whispers, and a chill runs up my spine.
I assumed it was something to do with the way the nuns are treating her or maybe regret about joining the novitiate, but something in those words has me on alert. Cora has a secret—a secret she can’t tell me.
We’ve never had secrets before.
My fingers squeeze gently around her forearm. “Cora, you can tell me anything. You know that.”
I can see her waging a war in her mind. With her lower lip between her teeth, it’s obvious she can’t decide if she should tell me.
“It’s me,” I say, encouraging her to open up. If someone is hurting her again, I swear—
“That’s the thing. It’s about you.”
My brow furrows as the words slip past her lips. “About me?”
Suddenly, a group of ladies barges into the storage room where Cora and I are talking and let out a huff of frustration. “Father Roman, we need to know where we are setting up the food for the event.”
Tearing my eyes away from Cora, I nod to the women. “Of course. I’ll be right there.”
* * *
Much of the day goes by without any opportunity to be alone with Cora again. The church is full of people, packing meals and preparing for the afternoon service. It’s not until the last fifteen minutes before Mass begins when she and I have a quiet moment in the chapel while I prepare my homily.
She steps into the room, bringing me water as I sit at my desk.
“Please tell me what’s on your mind.”
I hate this feeling, that everything between us has changed. She’s taking on her duties to God and she’s no longer mine. This is my last attempt at understanding what’s bothering her, in hopes she will come back to me in some form.
She freezes, her back to me. We wait in silence before she finally turns toward me.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” she asks quickly.
“Of course.” Setting down my pen, I give her my full attention.
“Have you ever been in love?”
I stare at her for a moment, feeling very thrown off by this question. Before I can answer, she goes on.
“What I mean is… Don’t you ever wish you could… No, I don’t mean that. I mean—ugh, I shouldn’t have asked. This is inappropriate. I should go.”
I’m out of my chair so fast, it clatters against the wall. Before she can disappear out of my sight, I snatch her by the arm and swing her back toward me. She flies into my body, so we are standing chest-to-chest again.
“What on earth has you so worked up?” I ask.
I’m feeling frantic. Does Cora have feelings for someone? Jealousy courses through my veins as I try to push away the thought.
“I have a crush on you, okay? I always have.”
The words fly out of her mouth so fast, she slaps her fingers over her lips then buries her face in her hands to avoid my gaze.