I reach up and rest my hands against his soft, clean-shaven face. His shoulders instantly relax and his expression softens. The hand he had squeezed around my arm releases and slowly drifts to my back so that we are standing chest to chest. And our proximity isn’t that uncommon. We have hugged and sat close to each other before, but now things feel...different—now that we have expressed our feelings.
“What are you doing?” he asks, and honestly, I don’t know. I thought by just touching him, I could rekindle whatever we had lost, but now it just feels more charged than ever.
“I just want us to be us,” I whisper.
His other hand runs along my back, pulling me closer. “We are us.”
If someone were to walk in right now, this would look very inappropriate, but they don’t know us. They don’t know the bond we share, so they couldn't possibly understand that I can stand this close to him and touch him, and breathe the same air as him, without crossing any lines.
Just then a high-pitched gasp escapes my lips as I feel something unmistakable prod my stomach. His eyes widen, but neither of us move.
I know what that is. I may be a virgin, but I’m not an idiot.
Father Roman is hard for me. Was it because I held his body close to mine or was it my touch? Do men get hard-ons from having their cheeks touched?
I’ve been on dates and made out with boys in cars, and I have seen the stiffness in their pants, but I have never, ever felt it.
Not until now.
It’s harder than I expected. Like a steel rod in his pants.
Before I can examine it anymore, he shifts away so he’s no longer pressed against me.
“I’m—I, I’m sorry. Please forgive—” He fumbles through an apology, but I’m still desperate to know that we are still us.
Although now I’m also wondering what his stiff erection looks like and how long it is.
Before I started my training, I watched a few dirty videos on my phone, but it always felt like too much. I remember wanting to love sex, but watching those made me hate it and fear it, so I didn’t watch them anymore. My fantasies about sex had more passion and love, but I decided if that was what realistic sex looked like, I wouldn’t have a problem giving it up.
“It’s okay,” I whisper. I can’t seem to move away from him.
“No, it’s not, Cora.” His hands grasp my wrists gently as he carefully pulls them down. “It’s inappropriate and a sin.”
There is a tightness in my belly, no—lower, and it aches for his touch again. I should feel shame for this, for all of this—wanting him to press his erection against me again, for giving him that erection in the first place, but I don’t. It doesn’t feel wrong. It feels the same as when I’m in prayer, all-consuming and euphoric. My body doesn’t seem to know the difference between God and Father Roman. It worships them both with the same intensity.
As I step away from him, I realize what I have to do. It’s the only thing I know that will make this all better.
“Father, I need to confess my sins.”
“But you’ve already told me—”
“I mean a real confession.”
He looks weary as he lets out a heavy sigh and nods his head.
“I was afraid of that.”
Chapter 5
Father Roman
* * *
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been three days since my last confession.”
My hands are clenched in tight knots in my lap as her delicate voice echoes around the wood chamber of the confessional. Through the lattice window, I can see the sweet slope of her nose and the soft pink pucker of her lips.
And it’s driving me wild. I feel almost sick, feverish, from this new effect Cora has on me. It all started with her admitting she has a crush on me, and now I feel a sense of hopelessness. She’s found the cord holding me together, and with one small tug, she has unraveled me.
My mother wanted more for me. I feel like a disappointment because the angel sent to me in my first year as a priest is now my greatest sin.
“Confess your sins, Cora,” I mumble with a slight quiver in my voice. I’m not myself. I shouldn’t even be doing this. I could send her to the neighboring church in our parish, where Father Neil could listen to her confessions, but that wouldn’t feel right. No, I need to listen to this. She won’t say it otherwise. What she needs only I can give her.
Dammit, that sounded wrong.
After a moment, I realize she’s silent.
“I’m listening,” I whisper.
“I can’t say it.”
“Don’t you attend the confessionals regularly at the convent?”
“Yes, Father, but...those sins were different.”
“How were they different?”
“Because this is about you,” she replies meekly.
“Cora, if you have truly sinned, then simply confess and accept your penance.”
“You don’t understand,” she interrupts me.
“What is it then?”
“I don’t feel...bad about this, and I think I should.”
I’m reminded just how young and naive Cora is. She still has so much to understand about life and love and sex, and a big part of me wishes she hadn’t gone down this path of confessing things to me.
And another part feels entirely too angry, thinking about her experiencing these things with someone else.
“I told you, Cora. These feelings are normal—”
“I felt your arousal.” Her sudden words cut me off. It’s suddenly very hot in this tiny box.
“I should refer you to another priest.”
“No. I couldn’t possibly say this to anyone else.”
“This is beyond inappropriate. The convent trusts me with you while you are here, and if anyone knew about what’s happened today... It’s best that we both do our fair share of confessing and praying, begging for forgiveness before this goes too far.”
She sits up a little higher. “I don’t want to,” she says, and I gulp.
“What do you mean you don’t want to?”
“For the first time in my life, I think I’ve experienced real arousal, Father Roman. Now, I don’t think I can go through with my vows because what I felt today… I want more. I just wanted to be near you, but it seems the more I’m near you, the closer I want to get. And I know this would be breaking my vows, and lust is a sin, but it doesn’t feel like a sin. For that one moment when I felt you touch me, it was like a new beautiful world had been opened up for me, a place where I could have everything I’ve ever wanted, but how can something so beautiful be a sin? How could that be wrong?”
My heart pounds in my chest as she goes on.
“I keep thinking about what I felt in your pants, how it would feel in my hand, and how beautiful the pleasure on your face would be. I can’t stop thinking about the terrible, lustful, dirty things that could happen if you and I could do that, and I’m ashamed of how bad I want that.”
“Cora,” I whisper, feeling completely wrung out. My mouth is so dry now I can barely swallow, and a sheen of sweat clings to the skin of my neck against my collar. And there is definitely a wet spot in my boxers where I know a small amount of cum leaked out during her little speech about my cock.