Carol laughed. “I’m glad you’re being realistic. I don’t think he’ll tell you to fuck off, but you need to be prepared for him to be angry.”
I wrapped my arms around my body when a sudden chill caused me to shiver. “I know.”
“Can you ask your folks if he’s with someone?”
The back of my eyes stung with the unshed tears I forced away. “I think I should know what I’m walking back into. I don’t expect that he sat around and waited. Especially since I made the biggest mistake of my life when I divorced him.”
Carol turned from where she’d been making lasagna. She grabbed a towel and dried off her hands. Oh Lord, she was about to put on her therapist hat. “Tell me, Abby—if he is with someone, what will you do?”
I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?” she asked. “By your own admission, leaving him was a mistake, the divorce was a mistake, and you still love him. You want to tell him why you left.”
I turned and faced the water again. Bringing my hand up to my mouth, I stared out over the bay. “Yesterday was our anniversary. I almost called him, Carol.”
“What stopped you?”
I shook my head and wiped my tears away. “What if…someone else answered? What if he’s happy? It’s been almost two years, and I can’t expect him to be waiting for me. I’ve dated. I’ve seen him with someone. I don’t blame him for moving on. I’m just not sure I’m ready to accept it, even though I’m trying to tell myself I have to.”
“I’m putting on my therapist hat.”
I glanced back at her over my shoulder and let out a half sob, half laugh. “I thought it was already on.”
She shook her head. “Yes, you’ve gone out on a few dates. It’s never amounted to anything. Has there even been one guy you’ve gone on a second date with?”
“No.”
“Slept with?”
“No, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Though I almost did with Jason.”
“Oh yeah, he was cute!” She waggled her brows. “I was really hoping you slept with him.”
My mouth fell open as I stared at her. She waved me off and went on.
“You’ll need to brace yourself for what you’re going to find when you go back to Boggy Creek, if you choose not to call him ahead of time. To not call anyone.”
I felt a tear slip free, and I quickly wiped it away.
“Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that he’s moved on from the anger phase,” Carol said. “He’s a man, and his pride must have kicked in. I’m going to guess that’s the reason he stopped communicating with you. Even if he’s past that phase, the moment he sees you—if he even has a shred of feelings for you—he’ll react.”
“How?”
Carol shrugged. “I don’t know, sweetie. I’d hazard a guess that his instinct will be to try and hurt you like you hurt him.”
I felt my chest grow tight. “That’s fair enough. I deserve it.”
“Maybe, maybe not. You had a lot of emotional baggage when I met you, Abby. You only just started talking about the loss of the baby eight months ago. You’ve got to learn to stop shouldering the blame. You messed up, you tried to reach out to him, and he pushed you away. I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he might try to do it again. He’ll be pissed, he may say something hurtful, and if he does, you’ll need to work through it by either calling me or going to see the therapist I told you about in Boggy Creek.”
I nodded. “I’ve already called and made an appointment to meet with her.”
Carol smiled. “Good. That makes me happy to hear. She’s really going to be able to help you cope with the loss a lot better than I’ve been able to.”
Walking over to her, I took her hands in mine. “You’ve been such a blessing to me. The moment I told you about the baby…it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.”
She pulled me into her arms and we hugged.
“I hurt him so badly, Carol. And if I could…” My voice trailed off as a sob ripped from my chest. “If I could just tell him how sorry I am. How blind I had been by thinking I was doing the right thing by leaving.”
Carol ran her hand gently up and down my back, then patted it a few times. It reminded me of what my mother used to do whenever I got hurt. It was her way of comforting me. “That’s why you need to go back, Abby. Hiding here in Boston is slowly tearing you apart. You have to tell him why you left. Even if your reasons now seem silly to you, at the time, they weren’t. He deserves to know, and you deserve to be able to move on.”
“Then what?” I whispered. “After I tell him...if he lets me tell him?”
She took in a long breath and slowly let it out. “Then you leave it in the hands of fate. He’s either going to forgive you or he’s not. But you’re never going to be able to escape the past unless you’re able to forgive yourself and tell him the truth. Tell him you still love him. Tell him the divorce was a mistake. Tell him you want him back.”
I dragged in a shaky breath. “I’ve been such a coward.”
“One step at a time, Abby. Take care of things here. Go back home. Get things settled with your folks, then talk to Bishop. If you can’t talk to him first, then talk to your friends. Arabella and Greer…right?”
I nodded. “I, um, I already put in my notice at the nursery, and it wasn’t hard to find someone to sublet my place for the next few months.”
“I bet the nursery will be sad to see you go.”
With a half shrug, I replied, “Maybe. I know they want me to be happy. The owners have been so good to me.”
The day I filed for divorce from Bishop, I’d left the lawyer’s office and had walked blindly around Boston. I’d eventually stumbled into a floral nursery. Pam had immediately noticed that I’d been crying. When I started to talk about the flowers, she began asking me questions. How did I know so much about flowers? Was I from Boston? When I told her I had just filed for a divorce, she asked if I wanted a job. I never looked back. I’d been working at Bakerton Nursery for nearly a year and a half, as well as part time at a local floral shop.
“I want you to be happy too,” Carol said, “and I think this is long overdue. You know I’ve never held back with you, Abby.”
Giving her a look that said no shit, I replied, “No, you have not.”
“Listen, I counsel couples all the time and see what they put each other through, thinking they’re saving each other from hurt. When you love someone so much, you want to protect them. You were afraid you’d hurt Bishop, and in your mind, the best thing you could do for him was to leave. Tell him that.”
All I could do was nod. Then the tears came again. “I just left him, Carol. I left him all alone to deal with the loss of our child. All because I was too afraid to be honest with him. To talk to him. To let him in and grieve with me. Too afraid to tell him I was terrified of trying for another baby. If I had only just been able to be honest… I wouldn’t be surprised if he closes the door in my face.”
She reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Give him time, Abby. Expect the anger, like I said. Let him be angry. Then, when he calms down, tell him everything you told me. He might get angry again, he might tell you it’s a little too late, or…he might forgive you. You’ll never know until you go to him.”