But despite all the pondering he’d done since coming to terms with what he wanted, Edmond had no clue what a romantic relationship with his friend – another man – might look like. All he knew was he’d never feel as strongly for any woman. He was in fact keenly aware that Sam was the life partner he desired.
“There’s something I’ve wanted to ask you for a while,” he began with slow deliberation. When Sam merely tilted his head, he pressed, “You are my dearest friend, so I hope you won’t take offense to my frankness, but…well… in all the years we’ve known each other, I’ve never seen you flirt with a woman, to have a mistress, or even to admire a beautiful lady’s appearance. You’ve never spoken of courtship or marriage or–”
“Neither have you,” Sam whispered, staring into his glass.
“No, but I have kept two mistresses during the course of our friendship.” He’d tired of both since neither offered more than brief physical satisfaction. When it came to engaging his mind, Sam was the only person who interested him. With time, he’d realized this was of greater importance than any brief moments of pleasure he found in bed with these women. It hadn’t been easy. Indeed, he still struggled to accept the path he now intended to follow. Especially given the risk.
But if Sam could love him in return – if such a thing were possible – then they could share such intimate moments together. It could, he’d decided, be a beautiful experience.
He swallowed, clutched his glass a bit tighter. “I’m curious to know if perhaps your interest in that department might lean toward men instead.”
Silence filled only by the crackling fire stretched until it became unbearable. Edmond glanced at Sam, who stared back at him with wide eyes. “I…”
“Forgive me.” Edmond downed the remainder of his drink. What the hell had he been thinking to ask such a personal question? He knew there were men who lived together as he’d thought to do, but he also knew that it was a hanging offense. He forced a smile. “Forget I asked.”
“That won’t be easy,” Sam muttered, to which Edmond winced. “I suppose your curiosity is natural, but the truth is, there’s no simple answer.”
“What does that mean?”
Sam stared back at him. Despite the dim lighting, the sudden blush tingeing his cheeks was unmistakable. Gone was the confidence he always put on display, replaced by a combination of vulnerability and bashfulness that produced all sorts of strong emotions within Edmond’s chest. Most prominent, was a strange new desire to pull Sam into his arms and kiss him, to reassure him he wasn’t alone with whatever troubling thoughts filled his mind. That he was free to confide his deepest secrets in him without censure.
“The truth is I’ve never met a woman for whom I felt desire. As for men…”
“Yes?”
A sigh of defeat filled the room. When Sam spoke next, his words were muffled. “Your deductions are not inaccurate, though I cannot claim to have any experience since I’ve never actually acted upon my desires.”
Never before had Edmond seen anyone fight their way through such a difficult revelation with greater valiance. His admiration for Sam soared, along with his fondness. “You’re an innocent.”
The blush in Sam’s cheeks deepened. “Yes.”
Edmond’s heart pounded. He set his glass aside and reached out to his friend. Hesitantly, as if unsure of what to expect, Sam placed his hand in Edmond’s. A jolt of electric awareness shot up his arm, easing the path he’d been so hesitant about taking. This felt right and if the answering need in Sam’s eyes was anything to go by, he wasn’t the only one who wanted to explore the possibility of a closer relationship.
Bolstered by this and by the realization that Sam might be equally wary of risking their friendship by asking for more, Edmond curled his fingers around Sam’s and asked, “So am I when it comes to having relations with men. But I’d like to give it a try, if you’ll let me.”
“What?” Sam’s lips parted, drawing Edmond’s attention to the perfection of his full lips.
“Sam…” Having said his piece, he allowed himself to accept his desire. It suddenly burned within him so intensely he had no choice but to add, “I desperately want to kiss you.”
Sam gasped in response to Edmond’s confession. The courage it must have taken to speak those words, to risk their friendship and face potential scrutiny, was admirable to say the least. But is also led to confusion, because if there was one thing Sam was certain of, it was of Edmond’s sexual leanings. He liked women – had always done so – and yet he was now voicing an interest in changing his nature.
It defied comprehension.
But it also forced Sam to be equally honest. “I cannot deny my attraction toward you. It’s been there right from the start, but…”
“But?” Edmond leaned in, eyes filled with a shocking degree of yearning.
Sam pulled away and stood, adding distance. “We cannot proceed without complete transparency, Edmond. It wouldn’t be right.”
The very idea of divulging everything to him was terrifying, but if he’d been willing to risk his reputation, perhaps even face the death penalty, then surely he could be trusted with the greatest deception of all. Of course, doing so would involve revealing to him that their friendship had been built upon lies.
It was a risk, but to kiss him without saying anything would be much worse.
This was Edmond and given the declaration he’d just made, he deserved nothing less than the unvarnished truth.
With this in mind, Sam faced him on trembling legs and took a deep breath. “I’m not what you think.”
Edmond frowned. “I don’t follow.”
“Edmond I’m not…” The apprehension in his gaze was unmistakable. Sam paused, drew a quivering breath. It was time to be honest even if that meant the end of their friendship. “It’s important for you to remember that practicing medicine was always of the utmost importance to me. Please understand that the secret I’ve kept does not imply a lack of trust in you but rather a deep fear within myself.”
His features tightened with apparent concern. “Whatever it is, I’ll not judge you for it. Hell, I know what it means to take a big risk. Telling you how I feel about you and suggesting we form an attachment of the most scandalous sort wasn’t easy. But given the fact that I love you, I think it’s important to try.”
“I love you too.” The whispered words drifted through the air like butterflies caught by a warm summer breeze. “That’s what makes this so incredibly hard. I’m afraid my confession will make you resent me for not confiding the truth in you sooner. I worry I’ll lose you and that…that is the most unbearable notion of all.”
“Nothing you say will push me away,” Edmond said. He was suddenly there, his strong arms drawing Sam into his warm embrace. “Although I cannot pretend to understand the desire I feel toward you, given the fact that I’ve not been attracted to other men in the past, this is real. I feel it in my bones, in the quickening of my pulse when you are near.”
His lips grazed Sam’s forehead, cheekbone, jawline and lips.