"Or ten thousand," the Spidae continues.
"Ten…thousand?" I choke out, horrified. "And my body?"
"It will wither. The life force that keeps it vibrant will fade, and the elements will tear away at a body that cannot repair itself." He shrugs. "But you will live on, as you are, until your thread snaps on its own, and Kassam will be trapped in the mortal realm with you until then."
The thought tastes sour in my mouth. I've seen how Kassam hungrily eyes the forests. The guilt in his gaze when he looks at the conmac, who we left on the far side of the mountains. I know he wants to go home desperately. He's been away from his realm for a thousand years, and every day more must eat away at him.
And here I'm selfishly hoping for another ten years of this because it suits me. I slump with the realization that it can't happen. "I see."
"They sing his praises in Chandrilhar," Neska says in a soft voice. "Even now, those that flee Hrit Svala spread the word of the wild god, who did not take lives, who sought only to find his enemy. The peoples of the eastern mountains speak of the arrival of Kassam, and how he marched through their lands with a parade of animals to announce his return. For a thousand years, there has been no word of him, and now he is on the lips of every trader in every city, every farmer who yokes his cattle, every hunter who hopes to bring down food to feed his family. Do not take this from him."
I'd cry, but I don't think there's any tears left in my body. I just feel raw. Raw and aching for my lovely, wonderful Kassam, who deserves to have people praying to him again. I ache for the people of this world, too, who deserve to have a laughing, gentle god answer their prayers instead of dicks like Seth or Riekki. "He needs to return."
The Spidae gives me a look of approval. "You have worked well with him, you know. He is a different sort than he was when he last walked this realm." He pauses and then adds, "The High Father is learning that mortals from your realm do an excellent job of teaching our gods humanity, because you both must learn this world together. It changes the bond, makes it stronger. He is very pleased with the results."
He makes it sound like we're lab rats. "Great. Glad he's thrilled."
"You should be. It will be a very, very long time before Kassam must go through another Anticipation, and it is all because of you." He tilts his head in that insect-like way, studying me. "It is one reason why I give you this choice. Do you choose to stay on in the mortal realm, or shall I snap your thread now and set him free?"
I blanch. I'm not ready, but maybe I'll never be ready. "I…don't I get to say goodbye?"
The Spidae arches one thick, colorless eyebrow. "You think he will let you go? He will do his best to get you to stay, because he made a vow to you. He feels duty-bound to keep you at his side, even if it's not what he wants."
For some reason, that hurts. I understand duty, but I thought Kassam wanted me with him because he loved me, not because of our stupid wedding vow. "I guess I should…"
I trail off, because I can't make my throat form the words. It doesn't seem right to just vanish on Kassam, after all we've been through. Haven't I said that I wanted to see this through to the bitter end? For once in my life, to finish something? It feels wrong to skate away in the eleventh hour just because it's easier. Nothing about this has been easy.
"Decide quickly," the Spidae hisses at me.
"You're rushing me," I hiss back, suddenly angry. "This is a big fucking deal and—"
"No," snarls a new voice. "Whatever you think you are about to do, the answer is no."
Kassam.
54
I turn as my husband, the god of the wild, strides into the chamber. I devour the sight of him with my eyes, because this might be the last time I look at him. His thick, loose hair is as tangled as ever, a few strands caught on his branching horns. One is broken a few inches from his scalp, a remnant of the battle at Hrit Svala, but it only makes me love the sight of him more. He's naked, a few vines curling around his hips and one arm, and his expression is fiercely determined as he storms through the room toward me, his silver eyes flashing with anger.
The colorful, singing threads part as he heads toward me, his hooves smacking on the stones with so much intensity that I flinch. The moment he reaches my side, he touches my cheek, searching my face as if to reassure himself that I'm well, and then he positions himself in front of me, like he always does when he's feeling protective. "Leave her alone."
"I merely seek to do my job," the Spidae answers in a cool voice.
"You seek to manipulate us to serve your own ends," Kassam retorts, even as his hand reaches for mine behind his back. "You think I don't know the games you play?"
Neska makes a sound that is pure exasperation, his expression annoyed. He crosses his arms over his chest, staring down his nose at us. "This is no game. I seek to help you return to your realm, just as you do—"
"At the expense of my wife." His fingers clasp mine tightly. "I made a vow to Carly to keep her safe. She's my wife, and her life is not on the bargaining table. If you will not help us, we will leave this place and seek assistance elsewhere."
"Keep her safe?" Neska's tone is mocking. "Did you keep her safe when you broke her back at Hrit Svala? You have fractured and pulled upon her thread so much that even Death cannot take her."
Kassam stiffens and whirls about to look at me. His gaze searches mine. "Is this true?"
I give him a guilty smile. "I wanted to see it through to the end, Kassam. You needed my help, so I gave it."
"Oh, Carly," he murmurs, cupping my head in his big hands. His handsome face is stricken as he looks down at me. "You have given too much. I would never ask that of you."
"You didn't. It was freely given."
"You should have said something."
I cover his hands with mine. They feel so warm and comforting that I close my eyes, leaning into his touch. "Like I said, it was freely given, and you had enough to worry about. I don't regret my choices. They helped you."
"Helped me burn a city and put Seth on Riekki's throne?" His voice is bitter, even as his touch is so, so gentle. "It is not worth it, Carly. It is not worth your life. I promised—"
"It's okay," I say softly, and press a kiss to his palm. "Really."
But the look in his eyes is inconsolable. Kassam stares at my face, no doubt at the circles under my eyes, my cracked lips, my wan skin. He breathes deep and then presses his brow to mine. "I am not ready to lose you." His voice is ragged. "You are more than my anchor, my Carly. You are my wife—my friend. My partner. I can't do this."
I choke back a sob, my eyes burning but still dry. "I don't want to leave you either, okay? I love you. I want forever with you…but I can't ruin your plans—"
"Fuck my plans," he says raggedly. "Fuck them all."
"No." I shake my head. "You're going to return to your realm, and you're going to be a kick-ass wild god, and you're going to free the conmac, and everything will be back to normal."