As I move toward the pool tables, I can’t help but wonder what did I just get myself into?
Chapter Fourteen
Badger
No matter the memory, whether it’s good or bad, you can’t let it define who you are. Whoever said that shit can kiss my ass. The worst memory will always come before the best. A memory defines a person’s actions.
For example, when my mother was on trial, she ended up getting no time in prison for what she did to me. Instead, she had to spend a year in the psych ward before being released out into the world to do it all again. Didn’t matter the evidence. It all came down to memories. Her lawyer used them as her defense, stating due to her having been abused herself, she thought it was okay.
So, excuse me if I don’t believe memories don’t define you, because they do. It’s just a matter of which way you let them sway you. For me, I refuse to allow myself to do something like that to a child. Therefore, I refuse to allow the bad memories to control what I do physically. However, when it comes to mentally, the past is constantly fuckin’ with me.
Maybe that’s why I rode for so long today and ended up parked outside my childhood home.
As I sit here looking at the run-down house, I can’t stop the memories from playing on a revolving loop. Though the difference is instead of me lying on the floor, it’s Jordan.
The thought of her taking the same abuse I did kills me. I still don’t know all she dealt with as she doesn’t know any of the shit I’ve been through.
Granted, I didn’t expect her to want to talk about it right after getting out of the hospital. She needed time to heal. But with it being the day that it is, I couldn’t be around her. Not with my shit and then hers on top of that. It was too much.
I’m sure I could probably open up to her. Explain. Though that’s the thing, how do you look the woman who you want to be with in the eye and say the words? Shit, to this day I can’t even say the words in my head. I can barely even say the word ‘abuse.’
Running a hand over my face, I sigh. “What the hell am I doing?” I mutter to myself.
“You know, I was wondering the same damn thing.” Turning my head at the voice, I should have known he and the man next to him would show up. He always does when I need him. Stoney and Bear.
“What are you doing here, son?” Bear asks.
“Same as every year,” I say, slanting my eyes in embarrassment.
“You know, if I were to call your ol’ man, he would want to kick your ass for doing this to yourself every year,” Stoney states, his voice firm. I know he keeps this away from my dad. After all the shit with my mom, when he was released, Stoney got him a job in Colorado with the DRMC charter out there. He wanted me to move with him, have a fresh start, but that wasn’t for me.
My dad understood, but I know he thinks he failed me. I don’t see it that way. If the signs aren’t directly visible, how can you see the difference between the angel and devil? It’s the same as trying to figure out if the person sitting next to you is a murderer or not. It’s not easy, and I’ll never hold it against the man for not seeing it. Shit, he went to jail for the woman and did so blindly until he was in there.
“I know, but I also know you’re not gonna tell him,” I mutter.
“No, I’m not. This shit has to stop, though. You can’t keep letting this shit control you. It’s keeping you from living. Fuck, son, it’s your birthday and instead of celebrating with your brothers, or better yet the woman you claimed as yours, you’re here staring at a house full of demons,” Stoney says.
“What do you want me to say? Those memories are constantly haunting me. And you both know the extent of it all. I mean, you walked in on it.” The words leave my mouth harsher than should be allowed when talking to the President of the National charter.
“Then you need to get rid of those that are haunting you. Wanna know how to do that?” Stoney asked the last part as if I should already know the answer. But instead of giving him one, I shake my head.
“Bear, go grab the can,” Stoney orders.
Bear nods his head and takes off toward the truck they’d come in only to return carrying a gas can.
“Spread the fuel, let it wash away all the bad. It’s time this becomes what it’s supposed to be— the past. Nothing but a horrible memory that you overcame. Which son, you don’t see it, but you have. You made something of yourself. Now start fucking living,” Bear says, handing me the can.
Speechless, I take the red jug and turn toward the house again. Taking a deep breath, I step forward to the house they saved me from fourteen years ago. Tilting the lid, I begin to splash the gasoline along the edge of the house. With each step I take, the memories of this place blur together. The ones where I’m hiding under all my clothes and toys in the closet. The ones of my mother gripping my jaw to shove pills down my throat.
As they blend together, I begin to jerk the can faster, anger filling me. I should have been safe within the walls of this house. Not scared to walk through those doors.
When the can is empty, I throw it against the side of the house and scream out. Letting the anger, pain, and hurt finally loose. I didn’t even realize I’d been holding it all in as I have. By the time I finish screaming out I’m on my knees clenching my hair in my hands.
I don’t glance up when a hand lands on my shoulder. “Let it out. It’s past time you did this,” Stoney says.
“We’re here for you, Badger.” Standing up, I whip my head around, shocked at Twister’s voice. “You’re our brother and we don’t let each other down,” he says, moving toward me. Behind him, all my brothers step forward as well.
“We ride through hell to get to the other side. And we do this shit together,” Stoney and Twister say together.
“Let’s light this bitch up,” Burner says, holding a little white box with a bow my way.
“You’re not proposing to me are ya?” I ask in an attempt at a joke, feeling slightly lighter.
“Fuck you, just take your present,” he smirks at me as he shoves it into my chest.
Opening it, I find a zippo with the DRMC symbol shining brightly at me.
“Thanks, man,” I murmur, lifting the lighter out of the box.
“Nothing to thank me for. Now, light the candles and blow this bitch up. I’m ready to get fucked up.” Clasping a hand on my shoulder, Burner lifts his other hand, holding a big ass candle.
Chuckling, I take the candle, flick the Zippo open, and light it. Once it’s lit, I close the lighter and stare at the flame on the candle.
“Make a wish, brother. It’s time to start living,” Twister says.
Stepping toward the house, I close my eyes and mutter “Fuck you” at the house and throw the candle into the fuel. It’s followed by more candles as each of my brothers do the same.
I don’t move as I watch my past go up in flames. It might not be the woman herself, but damn if it doesn’t feel freeing to see the place where it all happened burn.
“Come on, brother, let’s get you home. You’ve got a woman waiting on you,” Horse says, clasping my shoulder.
“Yeah, I do, don’t I?” I say, grinning.