Chapter Twelve
Badger
How do people do this? Be with someone. This shit is fuckin’ harder than I thought it would be, but damn if she’s not worth it. It’s been three weeks since Jordan was released from the hospital. Three weeks of her being in my house. A house I’d bought to be my solace when I needed peace from the club. From the whores wanting to touch me.
Some days, it seems like it was a good idea to bring her to my house. Then there are days like today when it’s the worst thing I could have done.
It’s my birthday today. A day I can’t stand to think of. All it does is bring back the past for me, memories of what she did. Of all the whispered words about our little secret only to have her be hateful at the same time. Of the constant trepidation of what to expect next.
You know when you’re no more than a child, that’s when the most damage can be done. Because as a child, you don’t know the difference between right and wrong until shown. That’s what parents are for— to teach you which way to go in life.
What my mom did was make it out to be something I needed to do. That is was normal for her to do those things. To call it exercise.
Then you go to school and learn that your life isn’t at all like it should be. Where the mom gives hugs and kisses, not gropes and groans. Where the mom bakes cookies for their children instead of shoving blue pills down their throats.
From the time my dad went to jail until I was eleven, my life was a living hell. Even before he went, it wasn’t great. She’d wait until he went to work to do unthinkable things to me. At the time, I didn’t know it was wrong, though, so of course, I listened to my mom because I thought she loved me.
Love me, ha yeah, if that’s what parenting is, then she sure as fuck deserves mother of the year.
“Hey, are you okay?” Blinking at the question, I turn my head to focus on Jordan, who I didn’t even realize had come into the kitchen where I’d been sitting, hovering on the brink of darkness. Her hair is still damp from the shower.
Another thought I don’t need in my head right now. Just the thought of her standing naked under the spray of the shower, soaking in the heat of the water as her nipples become little spikes as she runs her hands over her body . . .
Fuck, I need to stop right there.
Clearing my throat, I turn away from her to adjust my dick in my pants without her seeing. That’s the last thing she needs to see right now— me with a hard-on for her when she’s still trying to overcome the trauma her douchebag of a father put her through all these years.
I have to say though, we’re two peas in pod, that’s for sure. Our pasts might be down two different forms of abuse, but they’re all the same in the long run. They leave their marks no matter what.
People have told me not to let her win. Not to let what she did consume me, to linger over me. I never quite understood what they meant. Until now.
I see what Jordan has gone through, how the shadow of her dad lingers and the way she flinches at any movement around her. She’s constantly on eggshells around anyone who comes near her. Except for me. I’m the only one who can get close enough to her without so much as a flinch and I don’t even think she realizes it.
“Badger, are you ignoring me?” she asks softly and I can hear the hint of hurt in her voice.
“Naw, sorry, I just have shit on my mind right now,” I tell her, lifting my coffee cup to down the rest. I need to get out of here before I do or say something stupid. She doesn’t need to be around the darkness swirling within me.
Acting like I’m checking the time, I pull my phone out of my pocket to look at it. “I gotta get going. I’ll probably be late, so don’t wait up. If you need anything, just shoot a text,” I say, moving toward the sink.
“Oh okay, well, I guess I’ll see you later,” Jordan murmurs.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the sadness in her expression as she casts her gaze to the floor.
“Yeah, I’ll see ya later,” I mutter as I walk out of the kitchen. I gotta get out of here now.
My heart tells me to go back to her and take her in my arms, but the rest of me is saying fuck everything. I know she’s not anything like my mom, but I can’t take the emotional shit today. I know I’m an asshole.
Slamming the door behind me without meaning to, I stride toward my bike. This is what I need. Just me and my bike. The freedom from touch and the nightmares that haunt my dreams. From the memories of the past clashing with the life I’m trying to have now.
I want nothing more than to give Jordan the life she deserves, however, part of me doesn’t think she’ll be able to handle the darkness that is my life.
Straddling my bike, I turn the key, letting the roar of the engine run through me. Before taking off, I turn back toward the house once more and my chest tightens. Jordan’s standing there at the door, a frown on her face instead of a smile.
I’ll make it up to her later. Maybe tomorrow or the next, I don’t know. Just depends how long the darkness takes hold of me this time. Every time is different. Up until recently, it had gotten somewhat easier. But today it all feels way too damn raw inside. I need away from it all.
Away from all the pain this world causes.
Chapter Thirteen
Jordan
What the hell? Why did Badger just storm off the way he did? Did I do something wrong? I get that I’ve invaded his space, but I’ve tried to stay out of his way and help do things around here as much as I could.
When I walked into the kitchen after taking a shower, Badger looked as if he’d been staring into space. Not wanting to spook him, I called out his name from the entrance to the kitchen. It took a good five times before he finally realized I’d been standing there.
I’m sure whatever he was thinking about has to do with his mood. Maybe I should talk to my brothers about looking at places to rent. I need to give Badger his space back. It’s not fair to him that I’m here.
I get that he said I was his, but I knew he didn’t mean any of that. If he did, wouldn't he treat me the way he did in the hospital?
I’m so confused over the way he switched from sweet and caring to distant and cold.
The more I think about it, the more it becomes frustrating. With the way Badger couldn’t get away from me fast enough, I know I’m not wanted here. That I know for sure.
Putting my elbows on the table, I cup the mug in between my hands, contemplating all my options.
I haven’t been back to work since getting out of the hospital three weeks ago. With not being able to dance at the club anymore, I need to figure something out for a second job. Or maybe I should just look into moving somewhere completely different and starting over. Be a completely different person.
But what would I do? I know I could always get a job at another hospital, but I must admit, I like my job at the clinic working with Connors. Not only does she respect those who work around her, she cares about her patients.
Shaking my head, I move from the table. I’m not going to be able to figure it all out right now. My head is all over the place. I need to just get out of here and get some fresh air. Yeah, air would be good right now.