“Prez, before we start, I got something I need to say.” Badger’s words filter through my head as I glance between the two men, seeing Twister nod his head. I swear, these men seem to be able to communicate without words with the way they do the stare and nod so much.
“Want us to step out of the room?” Dragon asks from where he and Gadget are sitting on the couch on the other side of the room. I almost forgot there were more than just the three of us in the room.
“Nah, you’re good,” Badger mutters as he begins to pace. Pulling out a pack of cigarettes, he lights one up and inhales. I didn’t even realize he smoked.
Maybe it’s something he does when stressed.
“Fuck, here it goes. Jordan, you remember last night when I said the closet was your safe area too? I asked that because it was the only spot I had when I needed to hide from my own demons.” Furrowing my brows, I think back to when he found me huddled in the closet crying. Thinking back to the pain in his voice, it matched my own. Yet I didn’t understand how this headstrong man could know such pain.
Nodding my head, I don’t say anything, figuring it’d be best not to. Whatever he needs to say, I need to stay quiet and let him say it.
Sucking in a breath, Badger looks away from all of us as he takes several puffs of his cigarette, finishing it. Twister holds an ashtray for him to put the butt in.
Badger paces the room a few more minutes in silence as he runs his hands through his hair. The way he seems to be distraught, I begin to open my mouth to say something only to catch my brothers’ features as they both shake their heads ‘no’ at me. Clamping my mouth shut, I patiently wait for him to release what is weighing on his chest.
With each second that passes, my mind begins to go toward the darkness that it always seems to travel to. Did I do something to upset him? I mean, I know what we shared this morning was spur of the moment. Does he regret what we did? Maybe it wasn’t good for him and he wants out. I don’t even know how my brother even pulled it off, but after this morning with Badger, I’m not sure I want anything else.
“How do you say something you’ve never even admitted completely to yourself?” Muttering, Badger grips his hair as he’s internally battling with himself.
“Brother . . . ” Twister says quietly, though Badger doesn’t even glance in his direction. Instead, he looks directly at me before moving to kneel right in front of me.
“The reason my closet was my safe area was because my mom sexually abused me,” he blurts out.
Holy shit. Did he just say . . .
“My first memory of it happening, I think I might have been five or so. She called it ‘exercise’ and said we had to keep it a secret. I didn’t know any different, so I never said anything to anyone. I didn’t know it was wrong until one day I was at school and some old ladies came to school to teach the class about stranger danger shit and talked about what you do if someone touches you inappropriately.” At this point, he stands back up.
“After that, I started avoiding her when I could. It became harder with time. She figured out what was going on and by the time I was eight, she began shoving pills down my throat to make me get a hard-on. At that age, you’re not supposed to, but she forced it on me. I learned, though, if I hid under the toys and clothes stacked in my closest, I could escape her for a little while.” With each of his words, my heart begins to pound ever harder.
“The worst of it was my eleventh birthday. She decided to have a couple friends over for a party. A party that involved me naked with a hard-on for them to enjoy. It was the last time I saw my mom thanks to Stoney and the club. See, my dad was in jail because of her. He took the blame for something she did and had to spend some time behind bars. I knew he didn’t do it, but in my mind, I didn’t think anyone would listen to me.” Shaking his head, he seemed defeated.
“Who would have believed a boy was being sexually abused on a daily basis? No one would have. They would have taken my mother’s side because she’s a fuckin’ chick who knows how to charm anyone she wants to. Stoney and Bear, however, saw through her shit. That day, they came and they found her straddling me while a man held me down and another woman was behind my mom licking my balls.” I want nothing more than to puke as he finishes talking, though I swallow it back.
“So, babe, I know exactly what it’s like to deal with the horrors of abuse. I have to admit, this is the first time I’ve ever spoken those words aloud. I swore I’d carry those memories with me to the grave. But see, yesterday was my birthday and the memories were too much for me. That’s why I was an ass toward you yesterday. I took off, leaving you alone, thinking I couldn’t handle your shit on top of mine. I rode out, ending up where I always do. Outside my old house. You wanna know what happened?” He glances at me on the last part.
“What?” I whisper.
“Stoney and Bear showed up along with my brothers here. They all didn’t know the story. In fact, until now, the only ones who knew the whole truth were me, Stoney, and Bear. But still, they came and helped me light that fuckin’ house on fire. I burned the house down and it helped. Maybe that’s why I feel I can share some of this right now. Because the horrors that took place in that house can’t happen to me anymore. Knowing that it’s not standing anymore, I can finally move forward. And I want to do that with you,” he murmurs as he squats down in front of me. “It’s time for us to move forward together, Honey.”
Beyond speechless, I close my eyes as he cups my cheek. He says, ‘move forward’ as if it were that simple. I signed my death warrant by lying last night.
“How do I do that?” I ask quietly as I open my eyes to stare directly into the intensity of his own. I never noticed before the way his eyes have both green and blue in them. Like a sea switching from a deep ocean green to blue.
“You start at the beginning, when you’re done, we will take it from there,” he says just as quietly.
Nodding my head, I tell them everything, even going back over what I said last night. I spoke of the men who hung around the house with my dad. Of Kayne and the contract between his family and mine. I told them everything, leaving nothing out. If Badger could speak of the horrendous past he endured, I can release the demons that haunt me.
The more I talk, the more I realize just how perfect Badger and I are for each other. Seems fitting two broken, damaged souls would find each other.
Maybe with them being broken, they could be mended together to become one beautiful soul.
There’s a saying I read somewhere— we all have a past, whether it’s beautiful or dark. Or if it taints your heart, it’s yours to hold, cherish, or throw away.
I don’t want to throw it away. I'd prefer to work at cherishing a future that came from a disastrous past. One that led me to this man.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Badger
When you share a story like mine, you expect to see pity on the faces of those you tell it to. At least, that’s what I figured. However, I stand corrected. My brothers’ fists are clenched and their jaws set. Jordan, though tears stream down her cheeks, her expression is anything but pity. No, her eyes showed understanding.