Dread filled me, and I nodded. “I’ll try to help as much as I can.”
He gave me a small smile. “I don’t know if there’s anything we can do, but maybe we’ll try. Sorry for keeping you guys up,” he said as he looked at the others. “It’s been a long night, and I’m finally a little hungry, but whiskey sounds better.”
“We saved you some food,” Mackenzie said as she stood up. “It’s warming in the oven.”
“Maybe I’ll eat. I don’t know. It’s just been a shitty night, you know?”
I looked at him and then at the others. Mackenzie gestured towards the kitchen. I cleared my throat. “Come on, let’s go get something to eat. Little bean and I are hungry, too.”
He straightened then. “You’re right. I’m sorry. You’ve got to be starving.”
“I wasn’t hungry until just now, so it’s not a big deal.”
“We’ll give you guys some space,” Elise said as she looked at the rest of the roommates. “We’re here if you need us.” She was looking at Tanner, but I knew she was speaking to both of us. We hadn’t been in this situation before, and I just had to hope that Tanner wouldn’t pull away completely. He needed us, even if he didn’t think so. I wanted him to understand that.
Tanner led me to the kitchen, but he still didn’t touch me. I hated feeling so far away from him, but I wasn’t sure what to do.
“Dinner looks good,” he said, pointing to the enchiladas. “Looks like Dillon’s recipe.”
“I thought you had an enchilada recipe, too,” I said.
“We do. And it’s fun to have competing dinner nights sometimes. But I’m glad the food’s here. Sit down. I’ll feed you.”
“I should be feeding you. You’ve been through a tough night.”
He frowned at me. “Not really. Just a normal one.”
“Tanner, stop.”
“I’m a bad bet, Natalie. You know that.”
I frowned, even as ice slid over my body. “Don’t say that. Jared has nothing to do with you.”
“You saw where I came from. I was in fucking jail tonight, Natalie. Jared wants me to owe him something, and that’s why he let me out.”
“If he hadn’t, I would have charged him.”
“Because he fucking touched you,” he growled.
“Yes, he did. He didn’t hurt me because you were there. You’re always there.”
“Not enough,” he whispered.
“Tanner.”
“I need some time to think, Natalie. Let’s get you fed, and then I’m going to bed. The girls can take care of you tonight.”
I knew he was hurting. I knew the shame overwhelmed him. But pain sliced through me anyway, followed quickly by anger.
“You know what? I think I’m going to just eat at the house.”
“Good. Give us both some time to think.”
“No, I’m giving you time to breathe and to eat. And then we’re going to talk tomorrow. This isn’t over.”
“Natalie,” he began, but I cut him off.
“No. Be with the guys tonight. Do what you need to do. And then tomorrow? We’re going to talk.”
“Okay.”
“What happened to you isn’t fair. It’s not fair what’s going on. But you’re not alone. You got me?”
“Sure.”
I knew he didn’t understand. I knew he wanted to keep pushing me away, but I wouldn’t let him. I would give him tonight because he needed it. He needed to talk things out with the guys, and I understood that.
Tomorrow? We would figure it out.
There wasn’t any other choice.
Nineteen
Natalie
I used to think I was a sensible person. That I spoke my mind, even when things were difficult. Apparently, I was wrong. Here I was, going through my final paper from one of my classes, sitting next to Tanner in my living room, and not talking about the fact that he had practically kicked me out of his home after the arrest.
It didn’t matter that his mom and Jared didn’t press charges, or that the Montgomerys and everyone else we talked to didn’t care about what had happened because they understood that it wasn’t his fault. None of that mattered because Tanner felt as if he wasn’t good enough for me.
I wasn’t sure how to fix that. I couldn’t prove to him that I needed him. That I wanted him. It wasn’t something tangible.
And it was clear he was looking for the next excuse to walk away.
I didn’t want to be the one to give him that excuse.
I wasn’t sure what to do, but for now, we were just sitting and working. Tanner sat next to me, frowning at his laptop, an open baby book next to him.
We were trying. Although I knew things were rocky. And I really didn’t know how to fix it.
I just wished I knew how to help him.
“I’m trying to figure out this stupid problem, but at the same time, I keep looking at page ninety-seven.”
I blinked and looked up at him. “What do you mean?”
“You remember page ninety-seven.” He shuddered.
“Ah, yes. The infamous ninety-seven. Where it provides all the details of why you’re never going to sleep with me again,” I said dryly.
He frowned, took my chin, and brushed his lips against mine. “No, you’re not going to want to touch me again after page ninety-seven.”
“Oh, great. Now I’m never going to get that image out of my mind. Childbirth is beautiful.”
“Whoever said that hasn’t been there.”
“We haven’t been there.” I put my hand over my stomach. “Little bean is getting bigger.”
“Little bean has their checkup coming up.”
“The doctor already knows the baby’s sex. Are we going to find out?” I asked.
He met my gaze, and I so badly wanted to tell him that I loved him. I just wanted to lean forward and tell him that everything would be okay. But I knew telling him right now wouldn’t be enough. It wouldn’t be right. He was scared, and he needed to come to me of his own accord. I couldn’t trap him with my words or my belly or the baby growing in my womb.
He needed space, and I was trying my best to give it to him.
“I think I’m up for whatever you want.”
“That’s a cop-out.”
“We’re decorating the baby’s room at the house in bumblebees. That’s yellow. Does it matter?”
I grinned. “Not really. We’ll have multiple names picked out because we don’t want to choose one until we meet the baby. So, that’s one unknown. Everything else…we can get written lists and color-coordinate it all.”
“That sounds like a plan,” he whispered before kissing me again. I moaned, needing him. I had thirsted for him since I had woken up that morning. Now, I wanted him more than ever. I didn’t know if I could blame the hormones just then or the fact that he was Tanner.
It was hard to focus when he was around.
He leaned over me, sliding my laptop away, and I moaned again.
“The girls out?”