“I don’t think he needs to be forced into caring about you,” Elise whispered. “I see the way he looks at you.”
“And I’m afraid to look back.” I let out a shaky breath. Thankfully, the girls changed the subject, but I knew they were right. I needed to tell Tanner that I loved him. Needed to have a secure future when it came to him. Because it would be the best thing for the baby. Our child needed a secure future. I needed to make sure that we, as parents, made sure they knew we loved them, as well as each other. A relationship couldn’t be based solely on what-ifs and a pregnancy out of the blue.
That’s what I told myself, at least. And yet the fear of what would happen when everything changed still hurt.
I couldn’t help but ask what-if?
What if he didn’t love me? What if he cared, but not enough?
What would happen when I broke?
And what would happen when one or both of us had to walk away?
Seventeen
Tanner
Natalie frowned, putting her hand over her stomach.
I looked up from my computer and narrowed my eyes. “What’s wrong? Is it the baby?”
She shook her head, then shrugged. “Just a kick. Actual kicks.”
I lifted my arm as if to touch her stomach, then stopped. We were in this odd space where we both knew we weren’t talking to one another about the important things—or at least those regarding the two of us—and I could feel the tension every time I took a breath.
I just felt as if we had fallen into this so quickly. It was almost as if we weren’t the ones in charge of this, and I wanted to give her options. I didn’t want to force her into anything. I wouldn’t push. But, damn it, that wasn’t like me. I didn’t realize how much I had changed in the past year, but here I was, not able to go back.
She tilted her head and looked at me. “Do you want to feel?”
I swallowed hard and looked at my hand. “It’s not hurting you?”
“Not right now. I mean, sometimes I feel a little flutter like it’s going to be a bigger kick soon. Eventually, if they get your athletic skills, they may kick my bladder into submission, but I don’t know if I really should be talking about my bladder with you.”
I swallowed hard again as I leaned forward and set my hand on her stomach. I didn’t feel anything, just her warmth. She gently tugged on my wrist and moved me to another part of her belly. I jolted as something touched me, and I pulled away, my eyes wide. “That was…that was a baby.”
She smiled, her eyes filling with tears. “It’s really real.”
It had been real since that first test, but this just made it more so. She had been to numerous doctor’s appointments, but I had only been to the first couple. I’d had exams, my thesis advisor meeting, and a presentation for what seemed like every other class. We had done our best to try and move everything around, but with our insurance and her busy schedule, I hadn’t been in the room to hear the heartbeat or anything from the doctor other than secondhand. Natalie had even recorded the meetings for me and had brought in questions, but I’d still felt disconnected. As if I weren’t part of this. Only, I was. We were moving in together. We were having a baby.
And I needed to tell her that I loved her.
“Wow,” I said at another kick.
“Just wait till I hit the third trimester. It won’t just be these little flutters anymore. They’ll be full-blown kicks. You can even see the baby moving under your skin.” She shuddered. “I know I’m supposed to be okay with that, but it kind of creeps me out.”
“I’m so glad you said that. Because it’s always creeped me out, too.” We met each other’s gazes, then burst out laughing.
“Okay, then. So it’s not going to freak you out too much being in the delivery room? Elise said she would be my coach for it if you don’t want to be in there. You know I’d like you to be in there. As a co-parenting thing.”
Every time she said co-parenting, my heart died a little. I knew she was protecting herself by saying it, by wanting to include me in the baby’s life while not forcing me into it, and yet we just kept circling each other. I leaned forward and kissed her softly. “I want to be in the room. And I’m going to be in the room for the next appointment.”
“Good. And then you can take the birthing classes with me and watch videos of babies being born, and probably never touch me again afterward.”
“It’s natural, right?”
“Yes, but we’re going to see things. You’re going to see things. And now maybe I want Elise to be in there. I can scar her for life and not you.”
I snorted. “Husbands or, you know…partners are in the room all the time. It won’t be that bad.”
I had accidentally said the word husband, but it wasn’t like I was about to propose. I didn’t even have the balls to say that I loved her. Why would I say more?
“I promise, I’m still going to want you even after you birth a kid. It may scar us forever, but I’m sure you’ll eventually forget it. Doesn’t your body just give you hormones or something so you forget it?”
“The pain of childbirth. So you want a second one. That’s what I read, or at least that’s what people joke about. I don’t think there’s one for the dad, though.”
“Dad,” I repeated, shaking my head, a small smile playing on my face.
“It still feels like we’re playing house sometimes, doesn’t it?” she asked, her voice soft.
I nodded. “But we’re figuring it out.
“We are.”
I opened my mouth to say something, to tell her how I felt, but then my phone chirped with my mother’s tone, and I cringed. “Sorry, that’s my mom.”
“Get it. I hope she’s okay.” Natalie frowned, rubbing her stomach, and I picked up my phone, answering the call.
“Mom? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Can’t I call you to see how you’re doing?”
“Of course,” I said, although she hadn’t called me at all or answered my texts other than a quick one that said she was fine since the incident in the parking lot.
“What’s going on? I asked.
“I was wondering if you’d like to come to dinner at the house. Bring Natalie. I’d love to get to know your girlfriend. Or, you know, the mother of your child. Cody will be there. And me.”
She hadn’t mentioned Jared, and I sighed. “Is Jared out of town?
“He’s going fishing with his friends, so he won’t be here. You won’t have to worry about him.”
“Mom...” I began.
“I don’t have time, Tanner. You just don’t know him as I do.”
Or I didn’t let him control me as she did. And I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t do anything. I could only send money and hope to hell that she got a clue. And that Cody would be okay.
“What day are you thinking?”
“Does tomorrow work? He’ll be gone for three days, and tomorrow will be a nice day for it. Unless it’s too late notice.”
I looked up at Natalie. “What do you think?” I asked since my mom’s voice had carried.