It felt stupid, but truthfully, Ms. Kelp was the only consistent thing in my life throughout the years. It became pathetic when the closest person in your life was just there because it was her job. Ms. Kelp told me it was different with us, though. That we had a connection.
I didn’t really believe in connections much anymore after being disconnected from others a handful of times. After my last placement, I didn’t get chosen to stay with any other families. It wasn’t a shock. The older you get in the foster system, the fewer chances there were to be picked up. You get too old. You’re not as cute. And your trauma? It’s loud and clear.
“Go take that from him,” Kyle instructed one of his followers to bother me. I glanced over to them and grimaced. Already annoyed. It was a pain in the ass that they thought it was okay to gang up on me. I didn’t bother a soul. I didn’t even speak. They truly went out of their way to make my life hell.
I started gathering up my photographs and camera. I knew the moment they made it up in their minds to bother me that some of my photos would be messed up. So, I was going to go hide in a back room or closet until they got over it all.
I picked up my stuff and hurried off, but they started chasing me right away. I ran into the closest closet and slammed the door shut before they could get me. They all shouted to let them in, and I pulled on the door handle as tight as I could. I couldn’t let them near my pictures. Ms. Kelp was coming later today to give me more photographs she went to develop last time.
Soon enough, the guys said screw it and headed off. I waited a while before I thought I was in the clear. I pushed against the door, and it wouldn’t open. Something was blocking it. I pushed again, and nothing.
My heart began to race in my chest as panic started forming in me. I began slamming my body against the door.
I kept throwing my body against it, but nothing budged. Somehow, the dark closet was becoming darker and darker with each moment that passed. I hated the dark. I hated it so much. I sat in the corner of the space and pulled my knees into my chest. My fingernails began digging into my wrists as I clawed at my skin. I rocked back and forth, unable to get out of my own head.
What if they didn’t let me out? What if they didn’t come back? What if no one noticed I was missing?
Over two hours passed, and I wasn’t let out.
When the door finally opened, Ms. Kelp was standing there, staring at me with concerned eyes. “Damian, what are you doing in here?”
I looked up at her with widened eyes. My heart was still racing as my nails were dug deep into my wrists. They were bleeding from the back and forth scratching I’d done.
Ms. Kelp looked down at my arms. “Oh, sweetheart.” She walked me out of the closet with my camera and my photos and sat me back at the table. “Who did this to you?”
I didn’t answer. It didn’t matter. If I told on them, they’d bully me more when she left. She was the only safety net I had, anyway. Without her, I’d have nothing.
I slouched in my chair as Ms. Kelp got a first aid kit and taped up my wrists.
“You got to tell us who’s bullying you, Damian. Otherwise, we can’t help,” Ms. Kelp said.
I huffed and muttered under my breath.
Telling on bullies only made them bully me worse.
She sighed. “I got your pictures developed. Want to see them?”
I nodded, still slouching in the chair. She handed me the package of photos, and I began flipping through them. Seeing my pictures made me feel a little bit better.
“You’re extremely talented, Damian. I think you’re going to do so much good in this world,” she told me. Ms. Kelp was good at that—showering me with compliments that I probably didn’t deserve.
I showed her one of the photographs. My favorite one.
She smiled. “It’s my favorite, too,” she said. “I might have looked at them before coming over. You’re gifted, Damian.”
I shrugged.
It didn’t feel like I had any gifts.
I stared at my photos for a while longer, and when I looked up to Ms. Kelp, she looked as if she was about to cry. I raised an eyebrow, confused.
“I got some news today, Damian.” She shifted in her seat. “You remember how I told you my father lives in Detroit?”
I nodded.
“Well.” Ms. Kelp frowned. “He had a fall the other day, and he’s not doing too well. I had to go out to check on him the past weekend. After doing some thinking, which was hard and a long process, I decided he needed more help. So, I am moving back to Detroit to help with his care.”
“What?” I gasped, sitting up straighter. Tears instantly hit my eyes. “You’re leaving?”
Ms. Kelp began crying, too, because whenever I was sad, she got sad, too. “Yes, sweetheart. I am. I wish there was another option, but I have to go take care of my father.”
“But what about me?” I whispered. It was selfish, and needy, and rude, but…
What about me?
I didn’t talk often, except for when words were truly needed.
Ms. Kelp took my hands into hers. “You’re going to be okay, Damian,” she swore, but it felt like a lie.
“Take me with you.”
Her hand landed against her heart. “I’m sorry, Damian. That’s not a possibility.”
“But you’re…you’re…”
You’re all I have.
She kept talking, but I went mute again. It was clear she wasn’t going to take me with her. It was clear that at the end of the day, I was just a job to her, something she could quit whenever she needed to. I thought she was my friend. I thought she was my family. I thought we’d never have to really say goodbye.
When she left, the house felt colder. I felt alone. So alone.
The bullies came back, and they mocked me.
“Well, will you look at that. Even Ms. Kelp didn’t want your weird ass,” Kyle said, shoving me.
I didn’t have the strength to run. I didn’t have the power to lock myself away. I just let it happen. They shoved me. They messed up my photographs. They then smashed my camera. I didn’t care. I didn’t feel anything.
They even pushed and shoved me. Hit me. Fought me. I didn’t fight back.
When everyone went to bed, I left the house. I walked for hours with no real direction. I found a bottle of whiskey that I snatched from a store. I drank it all.
I had no one.
Not even Ms. Kelp.
She was going back to her real family. I made the mistake of thinking that was me, but I wasn’t her family. I was just a temporary thing in her life.
Everything was temporary.
Everything ended.
Everything—
“Hey! Hey! What are you doing?” a voice called out toward me.
I found myself on top of a building where I took my last photographs. You could see all of the Eastern lights from up there. You could see how everyone was out in the world living their lives. Probably with families. Probably with dreams coming true. Probably with happiness. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair, and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.
“Get down, buddy,” the voice said again.
I stood on the edge of the building. I had to be at least thirty floors up. The cold wind blew against my face, but I felt numb.
I glanced back at the guy, and he looked at me with eyes wide and packed with fear.