Why would a stranger look so scared for me? I didn’t matter. Someone should’ve told him that. Someone should’ve informed him that I didn’t matter. His concern was being wasted on someone who didn’t deserve it.
“Go away,” I muttered, swaying back and forth.
“I can’t! Come on, get down,” he said. “I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t bother. Not worth it,” I shot back.
My head was blurry, and I felt drunk. And sad. And sadly drunk.
“It is worth it. You’re worth it.”
“Fuck off,” I mumbled.
“I will. Once you get down. Look at me, man. Just for a second,” he begged. Even though I wanted to let go. I wanted to dive off the edge and never remember any of the things that had hurt me before. I turned to him. He placed his hands against his chest. “I get it. The world is fucked up. I’m only twenty-five years old, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing with my life. I moved here from the south to try to find myself, and I realize it’s harder than it seems. How old are you, man?”
“Doesn’t matter to anyone.”
“It matters to me.”
I released a weighted chuckle. Then I met his stare again. It was almost as if he really met it. “Sixteen,” I muttered.
“Sixteen. Still a kid.”
“Fuck you, I’ve been through more shit than you could imagine!” I shouted, feeling anger, which was better than feeling numb, maybe. Who knew? I didn’t. Fuck, I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t want to meet people just to lose them again.
“I’m sure that’s true. I have no doubt that you’ve been through it, but it can get better, man. Just a few weeks ago, I met someone during a time when I thought my life was going one way. We spent one night together that changed my outlook on everything. And yeah, it sounds corny as shit, but she changed my life. And now, here I am, on this rooftop, being given an opportunity to pay it forward, but I can’t do that if you don’t get down. So please, dude. Get down.”
Tears streamed down my face as I shook my head. “Everyone leaves. No one would even know if I died today.”
He moved closer to me. “I would. I would know. And it would break my fucking heart, so come on, man.” He held his hand out toward me. “Get down, and I’ll give you my word that I’ll help you figure your shit out. I’ll give you my word that I’ll stay.”
I snickered, unconvinced. “What the hell does your word even mean?”
“Everything,” he said, certain. “It means everything.”
I didn’t know why, but I took his hand. He pulled me off the ledge and then pulled me into a hug that I didn’t even know I needed. I fell apart in his shoulder, trembling as he held on tight as if I was more than a stranger. As if I was important. As if I mattered.
“I got you, man. I got you,” he swore. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“You don’t know that.” I cried into him. I fell apart in a stranger’s arms as he soothed my troubled heart.
“I know, but I’m going to do everything possible to make sure it is for you,” he said. “What’s your name, buddy?”
“Damian,” I muttered.
“Damian. Nice to meet you. I’m Connor, and I’m going to be your new friend, okay? I’m going to have your back when you need it. Whenever you feel close to the edge, come find me.”
39
Stella
Present Day
* * *
My mind was overtaking me. I thought after finding out Grams was going to be okay, my anxiety would go away. I thought the panic attacks would disappear, but they didn’t. They only increased in intensity as each week passed by.
I had nightmares about losing the baby. I’d wake up in pools of sweat, covered in chills. Some nights, I’d dream about Grams losing her life and me not finding her in time. Then I’d dream about Damian. Dying. Disappearing. Leaving.
Everyone left at the end of the day.
No matter how much a person wanted them to stay.
Mama was gone. Kevin was gone. I was breaking, breaking, breaking…
“A break?” Damian asked, stunned as he stood in front of me. “What do you mean?”
“Well, we just completed the six months of the will. Everything has happened so fast within those six months, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve had a chance to catch up with the craze of it all.”
His brows knitted as he lowered his stare to the floor of the bedroom, and then he looked up at me. “So, you want a break from me? From us?”
I hated this. I hated how I was hurting him, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was so consumed by the idea of loss that I feared holding on.
“I mean, the marriage wasn’t really real to begin with, you know? We were forced into proximity with one another. Plus, you never really had a chance to live the life you wanted over the past six months. You deserve more than me. Besides, I can’t truly expect you to be okay raising another man’s child.”
“You can expect that because I will, and I will love them as my own.”
He said it so confidently that I almost backed out from saying what I felt needed to be said. I wanted him. I wanted him so much that my heart ached thinking about the idea of him leaving, but I’d rather let go now than someday in the future when the love was so deep that the idea of losing him would make me lose myself.
Like how when Kevin lost my mother.
I wasn’t certain I’d ever recover from that kind of break.
“I’m…” I took a breath and looked away from him. I could not stare at those ocean eyes as I let go. “I’m sorry I can’t do this right now, Damian. Not with everything going on. I feel as if I just need to focus on me and keep the baby healthy and keep myself healthy. I can’t focus myself anywhere else at this time.”
He stepped backward, and I saw it. The walls crumbling around him. He cleared his throat and nodded. “You’re scared. I get it. I made a promise to myself that I’d never beg for someone to keep me after so many times of being misplaced, but that’s what’s happening here. You’re letting me go because you’re scared that something will happen down the line. I thought I feared being left behind, but I can tell that that fear is much deeper within you.”
“Damian…”
“It’s okay, Stella,” he swore, stepping closer to me. He took his hands into mine and kissed my palms gently. “If you need me to go, I will go. But just know that I am not truly going anywhere. I’ll be right there around the corner when you’re ready to let me back in, okay?”
“Damian—”
“I’m not afraid of waiting, Stella. I have waited my whole life to find a home, and I found it within you. You taught me to feel again after so many years of feeling nothing.” He lay his lips against my forehead and whispered, “Stella?”
“Yes?”
“Stay with me.”
I didn’t know how to do it, though. I didn’t know how to stay and not fear the idea of losing him somewhere down the line.