Just putting it out there, if you need to talk to anyone, I’m here. It was punctuated with poop emojis, so I doubted the veracity of his claim, but my brothers were weird, and my embarrassment levels were high, and everything was mixed up today.
I sent back my own poop emoji and ignored him.
Then everything was quiet again, and abruptly, I had too much time to think about Kai and that freaking card.
What possible reason did Kai have for taking someone else’s wish and keeping it in his pocket all these years? And if he had a valid reason, why didn’t he tell me. What was he trying to say? Was he laughing at me? Hey! Look at Angel and his stupid ass wish for love.
He was too late anyway. I’d had my first love already. Well, not love, but at least a kiss, not that it had been a special kiss at that—I’d been eighteen, still holding a torch for Kai even though he’d put me in the friend zone. Ben was a life model, twenty-one, a student home from college, a casual friend of one of my brothers, and when he’d kissed me, it had been… okay, I guess. It wasn’t fireworks; I hadn’t seen stars, nor had I felt the kiss right to the bones of me. Ben was too short, and he smelled as if he used a can of body spray every day. He’d gone in for what I assumed was a well-rehearsed move to kiss me. I’d been curious. I’d let it happen, but it felt like nothing. After he’d sloppily licked into my mouth, and we were done, I backed away. He joked about a dare, and to this day, I don’t know if that was why he’d kissed the quiet, withdrawn art student that was me.
My second kiss had been better, but it was just that, a kiss. One date, one kiss, and then nothing. Geoff had taken me to dinner, all fancy, a proper date after we’d met when he’d come to my jewelry stall last Christmas. He’d said I was perfect for him; I wasn’t impressed, and the kiss was nothing extraordinary. I didn’t date; I didn’t want to, because there was nothing in any man that interested me.
Aside from Kai.
It had taken me years to understand that I was demiromantic, that there was only one man I had a strong emotional connection to. I’d tried a few more dates, but I thought the one person I would ever love was Kai. There was clearly something wrong with me that I could only think about Kai, and I couldn’t get off without my silken fantasies with Kai front and center, and I couldn’t even get the right kind of kiss from anyone. I reached into my pocket and caressed the silk. I was twenty-five, and in real life, I’d never gotten that perfect kiss that made my toes curl, or love that mattered, but my dreams were another thing altogether. In those, I had kisses that tasted of need and want, but it was always Kai who kissed me. He didn’t shove at me, or lick me, or say that I was a dare—he cradled me with care, and the fire between us was intense.
Until, of course, I stood in front of a mirror and imagined he was in the room with me.
I groaned in embarrassment, but I didn’t lose myself in the heat of memories this time because Boots mewed plaintively again. I picked him up and tucked him under my chin.
“Why are you even home? Did the pet store throw you out?” I asked him, and realizing my head space for designing was lost, I trudged upstairs. I had a ton of work on Christmas designs to do; plus, I needed to update my website with stock, so maybe admin time was the way to go. My summers were spent working like a madman on creating most of the stock I needed for the Christmas market stall, and I was nearly finished with it all, but there were always things to do, and it meant I wouldn’t have any time to think about the card.
Boots leaped out of my arms as soon as we walked into the kitchen, and headed straight for the sofa, jumping up on his blanket and curling into a ball. I made more coffee, wiped down surfaces, and attempted to stop thinking about Kai and the card.
Only it was burning a hole in my pocket, and I had to bring it out, staring down at it and thinking back to all those years ago. My handwriting hadn’t changed much, and there was so much teenage angst in that single line, but Kai had been the center of my world back then. He would come to the house, and all I could do was stare, tongue-tied, lost in a hopeless attraction, and love. I’d watched him talk and skate, heard him make jokes, and once, I even saw him cry, although he’d pretended not to.
To be fair, Marley and Me was an emotional movie, and Lucas had left the room, pretending to get a drink after the DVD ended, when I knew from his watery voice that he, too, was about to cry. Me? I leaned back on Kai’s leg and sobbed as he ruffled my hair. In fact, that day I saw him cry was the day I started to fall in love, or lust, or whatever a person feels when they’re thirteen. I knew my affection for Kai solidified all the thoughts that had been spinning in my head for the longest time, but then I spent a long time angsting that maybe I wasn’t gay—maybe I was nothing at all, because I didn’t like girls, or other boys. Maybe it was hero worship. After all, he was a cool hockey player, with a bright and exciting future ahead of him, whereas I was the little Haynes brother who wasn’t a jock.
I couldn’t go round in circles like this. I had to get outside for some air, however frigid it was, because all the memories were crowding me, and I felt as if the walls were closing in. I’d never felt like that in my small place, loving that it was all mine and that I was free to be completely me. I’d kill two birds with one stone, get some air and check on the light trail that headed all around town, not that it needed checking, but thinking I had a purpose made heading out into a freezing day worth it.
Bundled up, I headed through the workshop and locked the door behind me. Then, concerned I might meet Kai somewhere, I took a long circuitous route down past the building shared by fire and police, then behind the community center, and finally ended up at the skating pond, choosing a bench a long way from the mess of tourists who were laughing, shouting, and falling over, enjoying their slice of Vermont Christmas. A lot of them would be here for High Peak skiing, coming down into Wishing Tree to hang a wish on the old oak, visit the gift stores—the largest of which, The Gift Emporium, was run by my parents—and have food at the Biscuit In The Basket diner—run by Kai’s dad, the shrine to all things Kai Buchanan and his hockey career.
I didn’t resent the tourists descending on town—after all, it was the prime sales period for my jewelry stock in the family store, and of course, this weekend the artists’ market would start. Three weeks of me in a stall, creating stock and being watched doing it, and selling. I equally loved and hated the time. The money that sustained my career and independence was always good, and the smiles when people commented on my designs kept me fueled for months, but to be on show and having to talk to strangers? That bit was scary as fuck.
My cell vibrated with a private message that a new group called Bailey and Kai talking had been created, with just me and Kai as members and only one message.
Kai ~ I’m truly sorry for keeping the card. And for the summer. Please don’t hate me x
This was either a cruel game, or I’d landed in an episode of The Twilight Zone. I closed it down before I did something stupid, like answer.
“Penny for your thoughts?” To my surprise it was Callum who settled next to me on the bench, then nudged my elbow.
“Not worth that much,” I smiled.
“Seemed like you were doing an awful lot of thinking about whatever was on your phone.”