“For real,” I snicker. “Not the wedding thing.”
I want to remark that there will be no wedding, but there is no point. This room is obviously team Carter-Grace and there is no dissuading them. Despite their teasing and speculation, no one knows what’s actually going on with us. That we’re a couple. Having crazy hot sex. Living together. Whatever. He likes me and I like him. There has been no mention of the L-word and certainly nothing about marriage.
It’s only been a couple of months and we’re taking it slow and steady for now.
Even if things are going well, that doesn’t mean they always will. I know that firsthand.
I’d say shows like Grey’s Anatomy are purely based in fantasy, but gossip is the eternal driving force of this place. Patients and gossip. It’s what we do. Especially about others’ love lives. So arguing is futile and will only provide more fodder for their gossip mill.
By the time we get out of the OR, and I’m officially scrubbed out—a brilliantly done job, if I do say so myself—it’s more than an hour later and I know Carter isn’t going to be happy with me. My shift ended twenty minutes ago. His too.
But just as I turn the corner for his office, a fresh wave of dizziness hits me so hard I have to stop and grab on to the wall for fear that I’m going to either fall over or pass out. Nausea comes along for the carnival ride and for a few moments, I just stand here, pressed against the wall, eyes closed and breathing slowly.
What the fuck is going on?
This is not how my seizures feel. I don’t typically get dizziness or nausea with them, but I do know that’s not uncommon for a FAS depending on where it originates. Only, I don’t feel like I’m having a seizure. Maybe I needed to eat more lunch? Take more breaks? Drink more fluids?
The dizziness and nausea pass after a few minutes, but the confusion and questions don’t.
Before I can think twice about it, I pull out my phone and text Margot.
Me: Hey, you on?
Thankfully she responds right away. Margot: Just got on. Night shift. What’s up?
Me: I’m coming down for a quick exam. Keep it between us unless we need Drew.
Margot: Done. I’ll be waiting.
I’ll have her run some blood work under a fake name. Check my vitals. Maybe another EEG. First, I have to blow off Carter.
“You look like shit,” Janet hisses, startling me away from the wall. She’s standing in the middle of the hall, staring at me like she’s one of the twin girls from The Shining. Scary and creepy as all hell. “I heard you not only have to sneak in surgeries with other attendings but got called out for it in the middle of your surgery. That has to be so embarrassing. Especially after you had a seizure in the middle of the floor in front of everyone.”
“You mean embarrassing like nearly blacking out and breaking your wrist after your patient practically bleeds out because you have no clue what you’re doing?”
Ugh. I likely shouldn’t have gone there. Why, oh why, can’t she just go away? In fact… “Go away.”
“I’m back now. My PT is going great, and Carter is beyond impressed with my work. He tells me so all the time. Or haven’t you noticed the board and how my name is always with his. Yours, sadly, is hardly anywhere to be found.”
“Honestly, I haven’t noticed,” I lie and it’s not even a good lie at that. Obviously, I’ve noticed. It’s what I was just bitching about in the OR.
She reads this flawlessly. A self-satisfied gleam covering her face, her chin lifting arrogantly as she proudly folds her arms. Such a damn peacock. “I overheard him say he’s removed you from surgeries because he thinks you’ll seize during one and kill either the patient or yourself.”
No he didn’t. He’d never say that. Would he?
“Now you have to beg other attendings to take you on. So sad. So pathetic.”
Uneasiness grips my chest along with a healthy dose of insecurity. Something I don’t wear all that well.
Steadying my features, I meet her dark eyes head-on. “Janet, I don’t know what your play is, but we both know that when you were here before your injury, you did nothing. Your residents knew nothing. You’re a hoax. A hologram of a doctor. So how about we stop playing games and maybe I can help you.”
She scoffs shrilly, squaring her shoulders above her slight frame while pushing her hair back and trying for imposing, falling so short it’s almost comical. “I don’t need your help. I’ve got Carter all over me. You’re nothing. Some poor joke of a woman who thinks if she puts out for her attending, she’ll get ahead. Clearly, that didn’t work out so well for you. I mean, seizing like that in front of the whole floor? No wonder he doesn’t want to teach you anymore. You’re a liability if ever there was one. A point he’s proving by taking me under his wing while casting you out.”
She stares at me, waiting, hoping I’ll crack at that. I’m kind of tempted, though I keep that to myself. She’s the cat and I’m the ball of yarn. She pinpointed my greatest fear and is playing it against me perfectly.
“You’re a liar.”
She grins so smugly I can’t help but jolt with her certainty. “You’re ancient history, Grace. You’ll be done in this hospital in no time. As it is, you’re no longer number one, and we both know it.”
I shake my head. I can’t deal with this, with her, right now. “Maybe. But you’re still a miserable, hateful bitch.” I leave her behind, my mind spinning, sick, my heart tumbling like an empty dryer. Her words tonight have a particular lash to them. A knowledge almost. Tentacles of doubt wrap around my most tender, vulnerable parts, squeezing them until they nearly burst.
She can’t be telling the truth, can she? But if she’s not, then why is Carter working so closely with her while pushing me out? Another surge of dizziness consumes me just as I reach Carter’s office. Luckily, this time, no one is around to see me fold against his door, my forehead pressing into it as I breathe. I need to figure this out first. Everything else can wait.
I rap my knuckles on his door as he grumbles out a, “Come in.”
“Hey,” I say with a smile I don’t feel.
He sighs. “I hate that you snuck that surgery.”
I shrug unapologetically. “Then you need to give me more OR time. Or, you know, work with me.” Instead of always being with Janet.
He stares at me for a very long moment and I’m trying so hard to read him, but I get nothing more than the usual Carter in return.
“Okay,” he finally relents. “You’re right,” he agrees, running a hand over his head. “I’ve been scared of pushing you too hard, but you know your body and you know what you’re doing.”
I nearly collapse in relief. “Thank you. That means so much to me. What happened is not your fault, Carter. I’ve told you this a thousand times, but I don’t think you believe me.”
He smiles cheekily. “That’s because I don’t. Are you ready to go?”
I shift my weight in the doorway, watching him as I say, “Janet has been working very closely with you since she returned.”
“I know. She’s on tonight.” He tilts his head curiously, like he’s waiting for me to follow that up.