“She thinks you’re pushing me out and she’s taking my place.”
He scoffs dismissively.
“Okay. Good for her. You ready?”
That’s really not the response I was hoping for.
“Um. I’m meeting up with Margot for a bit. I’ll just see you at home?” Damn, I suck at this.
“Sure. I didn’t realize you had plans, or I wouldn’t have waited around.”
“Sorry. I should have said something sooner. It slipped my mind.” I hate lying to him. I hate it so damn much.
He stands, rounding his desk. He’s still in his scrubs, his dark hair messy like he was either running his hands through it or he ripped a scrub cap off in frustration. His arms wrap around my waist, and he pulls me into his office, shutting the door behind me so no one can see us.
His mouth drops to my neck and for a moment, he just breathes me in.
Like I’m his air.
I cannot explain the sensations that flow through me at that.
My eyes close and I succumb to the feel of him holding me. It’s beyond glorious and yet pragmatically alarming. Carter has become something I’m starting to believe I don’t want to live without. And that terrifies me. I had put so much of myself into my relationship with Tony. Held so much of myself back out of fear he’d stop loving me. I blame my parents for most of that. Myself too. It was a lack of confidence or sense of self-worth in so many ways.
I watched as my parents’ love for me dwindled until it died out completely, shifting everything they ever gave me entirely onto my brother. He became their focus, and I was just the girl with the embarrassing disorder. I carried the pain and trepidation of that with me because I knew how afraid Tony was of that side of me.
The unpredictable side. The sick side.
Then he went and cheated on me in the most gruesome, self-esteem destroying ways, and it was like… I was right.
Forever the only person I knew I could unequivocally rely on was Oliver.
Then Carter came along.
Saw me at my worst.
And not only is he still here with me, but he’s stealing my heart. Something I’ve been so reluctant to give him. Knowing there must be a breaking point for a man like him—one I won’t be able to handle when it comes. Why else has he stayed single this long? Why else did he not make a move with that woman he claimed to love?
I’ve been trying to have faith. In him. In us. Sometimes that’s easier than others.
“Maybe I’ll go out and grab a beer or two with Kaplan and Luca or something,” he muses, pulling back and grabbing his phone off his desk, likely texting them. “I haven’t been out in so long.”
No, because you’ve been home babysitting me. “That’s my fault.”
“I like being with you any chance I can get. But it might be fun to see what trouble we can get ourselves into.”
“I can only imagine,” I deadpan with a wry grin on my face. I don’t want to think about it. There will be women all over them—throwing themselves at them. Photographs taken and published on the internet.
“Have you seen Janet? I want to make sure she’s good for the night before I take off.”
Jealousy flares through me. Has he really been pushing me out in favor of working with her because he views me as a liability? No. That doesn’t even make sense. Carter wouldn’t. I need to get my head on straight with him. He’s just worried about me.
Then why is he only working with her and not you?
“Right before I came in here. That’s when she me told you’re pushing me out in favor of her.”
He chuckles derisively, and again, not what I was fully hoping for. It’s almost as if he’s dodging this completely, refusing to meet my eyes when he never does that.
“Is something going on with you and Janet?” I ask point blank.
Another chuckle. But still no direct answer. And still not meeting my eyes.
“Have fun with Margot and I’ll see you later.” I get a chaste kiss on the cheek, but his mind is already elsewhere, and I’m hit with a pinch of not only guilt, but of resentment and nerves.
Thanks, Tony, for instilling trust issues and doubt. Thanks, Janet, for striking the perfect nerve at the perfect moment. Ugh.
Five minutes later, I’m walking through the back part of the emergency department, searching for Margot. A hand grabs my arm out of nowhere and suddenly I’m being hauled in the direction of the exam room I woke up in after my seizure.
“I told Drew I had menstrual cramps and needed a few minutes, but I think he’s on to me since he went down on me earlier today and knows I don’t have my period.”
“Then I’ll cut right to the chase before he discovers our clandestine meeting. I’ve had three episodes of dizziness in the last couple of days. The last one the worst and it came with a wave of nausea.”
Fluorescent lights flicker on as she slides the plexiglass door closed and pulls the curtain, giving us total privacy. “Was it a focal aware seizure?”
I shake my head. Then I shrug. “I don’t think so. I’ve never had one that way before.”
“And this just started today?”
“Yesterday.”
“Do I need to ask all the routine questions?”
“I’ve been getting plenty of sleep, eating regular meals, no new medications, no upper respiratory infection symptoms. I’m vaccinated against Hep A. Could be food poisoning, but legit, I’ve been living off of PB and Fluff because it’s all I’ve wanted to eat, so I doubt it.”
“When was your last period?”
“I don’t get them. I’ve been on Depo for over a decade to help with my seizures that were hormonally induced.”
“So, you want me to what? Just check some blood work? Your blood sugar? Vitals? We can do an EE—” She freezes mid-word. “Wait. You’re on Depo?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Do you and Carter use condoms?”
“Um. No. We don’t. We never did. We’re both clean and again I’m on Depo.”
Her face goes ashen, and she takes a step back until she smacks into the wall, covering her mouth with her hand. “Fuddruckers.”
“What?”
“We gave you Dilantin when you had your seizure.”
I shake my head. “No. You gave me Diazepam.”
“Grace, we gave you both. I gave you an IV push of Dilantin and then we had you on a drip.”
I fall into a chair, my forearms to my parted thighs, my face hanging between them. “I didn’t see that. I didn’t notice it. You don’t think…”
“That you’re pregnant? You could be.”
Because some anticonvulsants interfere with hormonal contraception, rendering them ineffective. Dilantin being one of them.
“But… did Carter know you gave me Dilantin? He knows I’m on Depo.”
She shrugs. “He might not have thought about it. You were actively seizing and then postictal and he had just come clean to Oliver about your relationship. The man had other things on his mind and likely didn’t think about it after.”
“Fuck.”
My face hits my hands, my body trembling. I can’t be pregnant. That’s not what this is. No way. This has to be… something else.