I press my hand deeper into the window frame, praying it holds up upright when I feel like I’m about to pass out.
“Dilantin? Um. I don’t know. I mean, maybe I remember hearing them say something about that, but…” Realization smashes into me with the force of a sledgehammer. “You’re on Depo. They gave you Dilantin.”
And I didn’t think about it because why the fuck would I think about it? Grace was having a seizure and my heart was splintering inside my chest watching it happen. I didn’t care what they gave her as long as they made it stop.
Fury pounds through me. I should have known. I should have thought about it. Anticonvulsants interfere with birth control. That’s second year of med school. That’s my job. To know what to prescribe to my patients and what to warn them about taking.
That’s why she was watching Juno when I came home.
That’s why she was eating the entire kitchen’s worth of food.
That’s why she was crying and that’s why I woke up alone.
I don’t know how to respond to this. As a doctor, we learn to temper our reactions when informing someone they’re pregnant. That news is not always a happy one and I can’t tell where she lands with it.
I feel like I let her down. “I let you down.”
“No. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. It was a mistake. We both made a mistake.”
A mistake.
No.
Pain flares in my chest and my thoughts stutter to a halt. A mistake? Fuck that. Nothing we create could ever be a mistake.
“We should have caught the Dilantin and we didn’t,” she continues, and I blow out a relieved breath. That’s what she meant was a mistake. Not catching the Dilantin. Not the baby. Right?
It suddenly hits me that I’m elated.
Grace is pregnant with my baby. Unexpected as hell? Absolutely. A little scary? No doubt. But I love her, and I want her, and the idea of her growing something we made together inside of her is just…
“Did you do an ultrasound?”
She falls exhaustedly against the window. “Just blood work. So, you know, that might come out differently than the sticks. Those aren’t always accurate. Especially with the medications I take.”
It’s insane. This feeling in my chest right now. It’s insane.
“But it could be,” I say, taking a step because I have to be closer. I have to touch her, and I do, taking her hand in mine and knotting our fingers together. “It could come back showing we’re having a baby.”
A tear hits her cheek, and she licks her lips. “I think it will.” Her watery gaze meets mine, but in a flash, her expression grows resolute before my eyes. “I don’t want you to think that I expect anything from you. I’m prepared to do whatever I have to do, but I’m not trying to trap you or force you into anything you don’t want or aren’t ready for. Just because I’m likely pregnant doesn’t mean that you have to be involved or we have to be involved or—”
“I’m going to assume you’re saying this bullshit because you’re still processing this,” I interrupt, irritated that she’s even doing it in the first place. “You don’t have to try to let me off the hook. I am the father of this baby. That means I’m as involved as a father can be. End of story. As for the you and I being involved, well, I think I’ve made it pretty damn clear that’s what I want. What I’ve wanted all along, regardless of you carrying our child.”
She blows out a breath, her features crumpling. She nods, mumbling, “How can you say it like that? So casually?”
I laugh. “Shock, maybe? I don’t know. But I’m not freaking out about this the way maybe I should be. I was more upset over thinking you believed the baby was a mistake.”
“Mistake? No. Unplanned? Most definitely.”
“Not all surprises are bad. Maybe because it’s you and it’s me and it’s us.”
“Carter, I’ve completely dismantled your world since I stepped foot inside this condo.”
“No truer words have ever been spoken.” And I wouldn’t change any of it.
“But that’s what I mean. I don’t want you to do this with me out of—”
I shut her up with a kiss. First on her lips then on her neck because it’s right here and it smells good. Her pulse is thrumming a mile a minute. “Be quiet. Stop arguing with me. Turn off that crazy brain of yours that has a penchant for overthinking and sending your thoughts in the wrong direction.”
A tired laugh escapes her lips. “It’s a chronic problem with me.”
“I know. So listen and listen close. I want to be part of this with you. I will tell you that every damn day until you believe me, but it’s true.”
Her forehead meets my chest and I clutch the back of her head, holding her to me. My lips meet the top of her head, resting there.
“I want that too,” she whispers, sighs. “Okay. After the blood work comes back, I need to make an appointment with my neurologist. Find a doctor or midwife. Christ, there is so much to think about. So much to consider.”
“Do we have a lot to figure out? Yes. Are we going to do that together? Also yes. I want you to have an ultrasound. I want to see what your blood work shows. I want you to start taking prenatal vitamins and—”
“And you are not my doctor or this baby’s,” she smarts, righting herself, arching an eyebrow at me like she’s not about to take any of my shit. Only she’s too fucking stubborn to listen. She already hid her dizziness from me, what else will she hide in the coming months?
“No, but I am your attending. Once we know for sure you’re pregnant and things are going the way they should, we’re going to have to discuss your schedule. You’ll likely have to cut back some hours or some surgeries so that we know you’re taking care of yourself the way you should.”
With that, she shoves at my chest, forcing me back a step. “Don’t you dare fuck with my career, Carter Fritz. I have worked too hard for too long to allow you to do that. You’ve already cut me back after the seizure, pushed me onto another attending while you took on Janet as your number fucking one. I know you’ll only try harder to push me out now that I’m pregnant. Do you have any idea what that could do to me? To my career? How weak and inferior that will make me look? Do you not have a clue how much I love what I do?”
I can only stare at her, eyes squinting.
My silence incenses her further. “If you so much as attempt it, I will fight back with everything I am to the highest authority possible. I am a resident with two years left in my residency. It’s the most crucial part of my education. Being pregnant and having a baby will not detract from that. I won’t let you do it.”
And then she’s gone. Flying out of the room and out of the apartment with a slam of the front door. Shit. I seriously fucked up.
31
Sprinting down the hall, I throw on the first clothes I come across, grab my keys and phone, and I’m racing out the door after her.
What the hell did I just do?
I told a scared, vulnerable Grace, who just found out last night that she’s accidentally pregnant, that I was going to cut back her work. Her. Work. The one thing she loves above all else. The one constant in her life. The one thing she’s worked tirelessly for.