I consoled myself that at least I’d never declared my feelings for him. If I’d told him that I loved him, which I assured myself I didn’t, then I wouldn’t even have enough dignity left to save face. As it was, I had just a sliver of my self respect remaining, barely enough to snuggle up with at night. Cold comfort, I know.
Bri was dressed in a similar gown of lavender silk trimmed with silver lace. The wardrobe department had also sent along a couple of hairpieces which appeared to be gobs of feathers fastened to hair clips—my hair was not having it and Bri had to use several hair pins to anchor the festive feather clump onto the back of my head.
“Are you all right?” Bri asked. We walked down the hallway toward the stairs. “You seem surly.”
“I’m not surly,” I growled. Bri shook her head, clearly not buying it. “All right, maybe I’m a little grumpy.”
“You’re going to miss Jamie.” She had listened to me go on and on after the humiliating library debacle where he offered me a job and her conclusion was that I loved him, which I vehemently denied.
“No, I’m not.”
“Are you sure it’s not your pride and prejudice getting in the way of your sense and sensibility?” she asked.
“I see what you did there,” I said. “And there is no persuasion that will make me give Jamie another chance. He’s not who I thought he was and I can’t forgive that. We’ll end as friends, or colleagues if that’s all we can mange, and I think that’s for the best.”
We stepped onto the landing and there were Jamie and Tristan waiting for us. From the tight expression on Jamie’s face, I knew he had heard us. Well, damn.
“Ms. Cho, Ms. Graham.” Tristan spoke but they both greeted us with a formal bow.
“Lord Insley, Mr. Somers,” Bri and I said together, and we did a little bob. Somehow the costumes made it feel almost natural.
Tristan held his arm out to Bri, leaving me to take Jamie’s. This was unlike the camaraderie we’d shared at the ruins and the pub and felt awkward.
“I’m sorry you heard that,” I said.
“It’s nothing you haven’t said to me before.” Jamie paused and turned to look at me. The starched collar of his period clothes framed his face as his hair flopped over his forehead. He really had the whole Fitzwilliam Darcy thing happening. Le sigh.
I tried to think of non romantic things to keep him from inadvertently wooing me. Moldy cheese, subway body odor, vomit—none of it was working.
He cupped my cheek with his hand. It was a familiar gesture, reminding me of our time on top of the Empire State Building. His gaze was warm. “I know I’ve made a hash of it all, but I need you to understand that the time I spent with you in New York, not as Jamie the viscount and future earl, but just as Al, a regular person, was the most significant of my life. You’re the first woman who loved me just for me—”
I opened my mouth to protest, but he talked over me. He took my hands in his, lacing our fingers together.
“No, don’t deny it,” he said. His eyes glistened and he cleared his throat. “Even if you never felt that way, let me have the memory of believing that for at least a little while you, Molly Graham, loved me just for me.” He took a breath to steady himself. I felt tears well up in my own eyes. “I’ve never had that before.” He lifted my hands to his lips and kissed the back of my fingers. “I will never forget a single moment that I spent with you, Molly.”
I could tell that he was taking this moment to finally let us go. This was what I’d wanted. I’d rejected him on every level. I should have been ecstatic. I’d declared I could never be with him, so I should be happy. I wasn’t happy.
Before I could respond, Jamie let go of my hands and bent his elbow for me to take his arm. I did so with trembling fingers. He led me down the stairs, through the manor to the ballroom entrance where Bri and Tristan waited to be announced. The enormous room was decorated with towers of tulips, lit by chandeliers, and full of guests dressed in period clothing. There was no denying it resembled something out of a fairy tale.
“Wow,” Bri said. She looked enthralled. I was right there with her.
“Mr. Tristan Somers and Ms. Briana Cho.” Daniels announced them, and Tristan led Bri into the room.
“Lord Insley and Ms. Molly Graham,” Daniels said.
I could feel every eye in the room upon us. Normally, I would have run and hid behind a fern or a pillar, but I didn’t. I forced my chin up and strolled beside Jamie as if I belonged there. I refused to embarrass myself or him. He deserved that from me at the very least.
Jamie led me right to Tristan and Bri. I let go of his arm and he gave me a small smile. I don’t think I imagined the pride I saw shining in his eyes. It made me flush with pleasure to know that Jamie—a viscount!—was proud to be seen with me.
“If you’ll excuse me, I’d better see to my grandfather and our guests,” he said.
“Of course,” I answered. I felt a pang of panic in my chest at the thought of him leaving my side. I was braver with Jamie near. I pushed the feelings aside. I’d made my choice.
After a clipped bow, Jamie departed. I watched him go, realizing that I would never take his arm again, never be at a ball with him, and never have him gaze down at me with the love and affection I’d enjoyed over the past few days. Suddenly, I felt bereft as if I’d lost my favorite person in the world.
“Molly,” Bri said. She only said my name, but I could hear the reproach in her tone. “Why won’t you give Jamie another chance?”
“I think I’ll go get us some beverages,” Tristan said. He hurried away, clearly not wanting to bear witness to the lecture that was coming my way.
“We’ve been over this,” I said. “He lied to me just like my ex and I promised myself I would never put up with that again. I can’t love a man who willfully lied to me.”
Bri shook her head, then looped her arm through mine and tugged me into a dark corner. Ah, yes, this was where I, a lowly wallflower, belonged.
“I’m your best friend,” she said.
“You are.”
“So, I’m hoping you can forgive me when I tell you that you are being a complete and total dumbass.”
“Ah!” I gasped. “I’m feeling a bit attacked.”
“No,” she said. “What you’re feeling is being called to account. Jamie is nothing like your ex. He gave you a fake name. So what? Look at his life. Wouldn’t you want to be someone else for a while if you had to deal with all of this?”
She gestured to the crowded room. I could see Jamie standing in the center of it, beside his grandfather greeting the guests. It seemed everyone wanted his attention and he responded with unfailing courtesy to each person who approached. It looked exhausting.
“But he never told me—”
“The truth?” she interrupted. “When exactly was he supposed to do that? He knew how you felt about your ex lying to you.”
I blinked is surprise. “Been chatting with him about the situation, have you?”
“Of course, I have. I’m your best friend. I always have your back, even when you are your own worst enemy.” Her face was stern. She was not giving an inch. I didn’t want to listen to her. I was afraid to hear her words.