“Are you pregnant?” Lilly gasps, her hand flying to her throat.
“No!” I shake my head vigorously. “Oh my God, no, that’s not it. It’s about what I do during the day…for a living…sort of.”
Kate’s eyes widen. “Are you a sex worker?”
“No!”
“If you are, it’s fine,” she says. “Sex work is work.”
“No, no!” I have to laugh. “Let me finish!”
“Okay. Sorry.” She sits back.
“I’m a busker.”
They all blink.
“I sing and play guitar in subway stations.”
“Whoa.” Lilly’s mouth falls open. Then she closes it.
“That’s…well, you’re a great singer,” Kate says, looking a bit like I just told her I sing opera.
“Thanks.” I bite my lip. “I know it’s weird, but I like it. I make good money, but up till now I gave most of it away, since I didn’t need it.”
They’re all gazing at me like they don’t know what to say.
“I’ve never seen you there,” Kate says.
“Well, you might not recognize me. I wear a wig and dress differently.”
“I interviewed a busker for my podcast,” Sara says. “Elijah Thomas. Really cool guy.”
“I know him.” I smile. “He’s a great guy.”
“I was surprised to learn that a lot of buskers do it because they like it,” she goes on. “Not always because they can’t find other work.”
“That’s true. It’s been great for me. Other than the time I got robbed. And once I got punched in the head.”
They all gasp.
“It’s all good.” I wave a hand.
“Do you want a different job?” Lilly asks. “I mean a different music career.”
“I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Busking worked for me because I could still spend a lot of time with Cat. But now…I have more time. I’m not sure what I want.”
“You could be a famous rock star!“ Lilly says.
“I’m not a rock star.” I shake my head.
“A Broadway star!” Kate says.
“No. I don’t have a Broadway voice. I’m not sure I want to be a star of any kind.” I bite my lip. That anxiety in my belly intensifies again. “I just want to sing.”
“You have an amazing voice,” Sara says. “You should definitely sing. However you want.”
“Thank you.” I take a deep breath. My stomach is hard as a rock now, and I’m sweating again. “I appreciate that. I felt like my family was taken away from me when Vince locked me out. He wasn’t the best stepfather, but at least he was there. And Cat.” I swallow painfully.
“You still have her,” Sara says softly.
“Yes. She’s just growing up. The thing is, I never really felt like I belonged in Vince’s home, even though I tried. I acted out when I was a teenager, desperate for attention. But then I realized I needed to focus on Cat. I guess that made me feel like I had purpose in my life. Vince locking me out, and then Owen shutting me out at his place triggered all those feelings again. And him ending things made that even worse.” So how do I do that? How do I belong somewhere? “I’m afraid,” I whisper to the other women.
Lilly’s eyebrows slope down. “Of what, hon?”
“I don’t know.” I press a hand to my stomach which has been hurting all day. “I guess a lot of things.”
“Oh man. We all have fears,” Sara says.
“Some people are afraid of mascots,” Kate says.
“I’m afraid of spiders,” Lilly puts in.
“I mean big fears,” Sara says.
“I’m afraid of being alone,” I choke out. “I’ve always been afraid of being alone. Afraid that no one will love me. Losing Cat…well, not losing her, but leaving her…was so hard.” I swallow. “And then…Owen.” I stop because I’m going to cry, and I don’t want to cry in front of these amazing ladies. I take a sip of wine, then another.
“I guess that’s why I was so focused on Cat,” I finally continue.
They purse their lips, nod, murmur understanding.
“But maybe this is exactly what I need,” I say, lifting my chin. “To be alone. To be responsible for just myself, looking after me. And being happy with me.”
“That could be,” Sara says slowly.
“I’ve been afraid of success. Or I guess it’s actually a fear of failing. I’ve been happy busking and singing the songs I want to sing, and if I’m lucky, a few people will like it enough to throw some money in my guitar case. I’ve been afraid to go any further than that with my music. Because…” I choke out the words. “What if I can’t?”
They all make sympathetic sounds, gazing at me.
“I think we’re all afraid of that,” Kate says. “I sure was when I started out as an agent. Could I really do it? A woman in a man’s world. And at first, I got told a lot that I couldn’t.” She shrugs. “I proved them wrong.”
“That’s very true,” Sara agrees. “But Em, you don’t have to go any further if you don’t want to. You need to do what makes you happy.”
I let that sink in. “Right. You’re right.” Then I blurt out, “I’m going to do an open mic night.”
They all grin.
“That’s awesome!” Kate says.
“You convinced me.” I exhale sharply.
“We’ll come and cheer you on!”
“No!”
Their faces fall.
“I mean… oh boy. Really?”
“Of course! It’ll be amazing!”
“I’m so grateful to have you as friends.”
They all make noises of agreement. “We’re here for you, Em.”
The game has started again, and we haven’t been paying attention. The blare of the goal horn alerts us to this, and we realize that Pittsburgh just scored to take the lead.
“Damn,” I say. I smile at the others. “Thank you for being so supportive.”
“Just know…you belong with us.” Lilly meets my eyes. “Whatever happens with Owen…we’re your friends now.”
Whatever happens? It already happened. It’s over. But I smile at her with sincere gratitude and affection. “Thank you.”
33
Owen
I get back from Sarnia feeling a lot different than I did when I left. I’m on a mission. But it’s a different mission than before.
Emerie was right. Talking to my parents was what I needed to do. And I’ve had a lot of time to think.
I text Millsy. You home?
While I wait for his reply, I text Hellsy and Morrie as well.
Millsy and Hellsy are both home, so I tell them to get up to my place. I have beer.
I’m not above a bribe.
Morrie’s shopping for new sneakers but says he can come by in about half an hour.
Millsy arrives first, with Otis of course. The little dude bounces in and makes himself at home on my couch.